New, for all your home cleaning needs, Urs-Tek (manufacturerers of fine toys) brings to you:

      Flaming Foamy Cleaner!!!!

      As seen from this clip of the internationally acclaimed television program La Femme Nikita, just spray on Flaming Foamy Cleaner, ignite with a small mercury switch*, and Flaming Foamy Cleaner cuts through the toughest grime! Great for tough rust and hard-water stains, perfect for that clearer-than-clear glass! Just look how easily that dirt melts away! No fuss! No muss! No toxic fumes!**

      Safe for use on all surfaces!***

      Order today! Only $9.99**** for a bottle containing hundreds of applications!

      Call 1-888-Urs-Tek-1!!!

      Another fine product from Urs-Tek!

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      * Mercury Switch sold separately

      ** Not all laboratory tests have been completed; based on preliminary testing in India only.

      ***Not safe for human skin, plastic, glass, formica, wood, cloth, or fiberglass.

      ****Shipping & handling extra. May require special licensing fees to transport across state lines.

      Disclaimer: Do not use Flaming Foamy Cleaner in enclosed areas. Do not use Flaming Foamy Cleaner near an open flame or in an area in which sparks occur or which may contain any flamable material. Do not ingest Flaming Foamy Cleaner. Do not use Flaming Foamy Cleaner with proper licensing from the United States College of Chemists.

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      Ranma=>: Ursula! -- LOL -- Sounds like some nasty stuff. Does it come with it's own Mikey applicator???       Urs-Tek Marketing would like to add that a Michael dispenser (a la Pez) awill soon be available in a supermarket near you

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      Pam: LMAO.....more products please....A Wigged Out Ops Mop....guaranteed to do the job or return for "cancellation"...

      kiwi: hey there are somethings missing in this advertisement. Where's the cheesy infomercial host, the oooing and aaahing audience and of course the "BUT WAIT, BE THE FIRST 50 CALLERS AND GET..."???

      BUT WAIT!!!! Be among the first 50 callers and you'll receive our patented Belize Blowtorch attachment, which shoots Flaming Foamy Cleaner into all those hard-to-reach places! Available in a portable hand-held size, these butane fueled gadgets produce a 2 inch flame! By simply spraying Flaming Foamy Cleaner over the special heat source, the cleaner melts away all your most difficult cleaning problems. Available now for $14.99, plus $7.95 shipping and handling.

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Dear Complaint Department:

Friday, 30-Apr-99 18:31:45      To whom it may concern,

     I would like to repectfully submit a complaint against the Urs-Tek Flaming Foaming Cleaner. In accordance with the specifications and subsequent warnings, I proceeded to use said cleaner after our last mission.

     After applying it to a AK47 and newly fabricated dvd templates upon the recommendation of the Urs-Tek sales personnel, I recieved 3rd degree burns as the metal turned moltenly acidic and burned through my 15 layered biohazard protection suit. Needless to say, my once dreamed about sexlife with Sugar will now be waylaid until the bandages are removed. Scar tissue might prohibit full use of said appendage, but only time will tell what the full extent of the injuries will be.

     As much as I would like to condemn and proceed with action towards Urs-Tek, its distributors and Section's suppliers, I have been warned to take no such action. The torment I was caused by the instability of said product has been negated by the discovery of a new and unique form of torture. Our chief inquisitor is looking forward to testing a new implimentation.

     This is a request for 15 more cases of said product. Bill our account, and please have them shipped to the following address:

     Section One

     Covert...well not too covert...agency

     500 feet down

     Just ignore the screams

     Don't piss off the Silver Fox

     proceed to the white room and see a heartless bitch named Madeline

     Yours in Pain

     Walter      Chief Flammable Expert      Weapon's Specialist      Newly designated Eunich

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     Dear Mr. Walter Eunich:

     Thank you so much for the additional order of our product, Flaming Foamy Cleaner. Because of your purchase of such a large quantity of Flaming Foamy Cleaner despite the inconvenience to you which you say were caused by our environmentally friendly, non-toxic product, we are forwarding to you a sample of our newest product: Venus Dust.

     Finally, modern science has brought us what romantics throughout the years have sought: a true love potion!

     Just sprinkle a bit of Venus Dust wherever your unresponsive lover might touch it, allow it to be quickly and painlessly absorbed through the skin, and (as our Michael would say) Voila! Soon your beloved will be seeing you everywhere, whether in the face of a newly-bloomed rose, a pillowy cloud, or in the adoring gaze of your darling Schnauzer.*

     Mr. Eunich, we hope this preview of what will certainly be the break-out product of the 21st century helps you remain a satisfied Urs-Tek customer.

     Sincerely,

     Your Friends At Urs-Tek

     *Caution: Under certain test conditions, users of Venus Dust have been known to inexplicably attack and damage non-representational art. Please keep all non-representational art items out of reach of Venus Dust users.

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     Real Disclaimer: I didn't write the first letter and I don't know who did. It came up on the LFN Writer's Alternative Board and I thought it was too funny not to share over here. Whoever wrote this, you are a genius!

     Ursula

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     Dear Urs-Tek Representative:

     Friday, 30-Apr-99 18:41:05          To whom it may concern,       I am in receipt of your generous offering of Venus Dust. I look forward to using said product once my uncomfortable ..hmm.. disability has healed.       Your new product does seem to be along the lines of another product that we Alpha tested for you a while back. If this achieves the same caliber of results, I'm sure the entire staff of Section One will want to express their...**cough** gratitude to you personally.

     As for now, I'm afraid that the field test of your non toxic, art destroying psychotropic drug will have to wait until I can fully reap the benefits of the results.

     We want to make sure all control factors are "UP" for the challenge.

     Sincerely

     Walter      Psychotropic Drug Expert      Mass Grower of THC      Still newly designated Eunuch.

     PS I have included the medical reports of my accident for your review. As you can see, severe and painful damage has occurred. Symptoms included redness, shrinking and uncontrollable spasms. Yes you read that write...shrinking. So you see the damage to such an important piece of equipment is something we here at Section One do not take lightly.

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