Dear "La Femme Nikita" Fans:

We here at Urs-Tek are considering launching a line of La Femme Nikita action figures. Below is a description of our proto-types for the initial line of toys. Please feel free to offer any input to our marketing department via this story board.

Thank you,

Ursula

The Action Figures

Whining Nikita--touch her once and she repeats "Miiiichael, when will we be togeeeether?" over and over until her long-life battery runs out. Comes with multiple pairs of sunglasses. Floppy hat not included, not available.

Hong Kong Michael--cool hair, shades, stubbly beard. Includes leather jacket and an assortment of firearms. Ideal for girls of all ages.

Post-"Approaching Zero" Jurgen--some assembly required.

Butt-kicking Madeline--complete with Gucci purse, actual Lancome lipstick, and a nickel-plated .45. Ideal for teaching young ladies to be assertive, yet feminine.

"New Regime" Operations--features a gaping chest wound. Frightened doctor figure sold separately.

Birkoff--includes laptop, Oreos, and realistic carpal tunnel symptoms.

Walter--cool, aging-hippy retro clothes, plus your own mini bomb-making kit for hours of realistic anti-terrorist play!

Available Accessories

Hong Kong Michael's Harley--Tricked out to the max. Need we say more?

Hot Action Non-descript Gray Van with Hot Action Birkoff--complete with two dead operative figures for realistic mission play. Birkoff figure not removable from van.

Walter's Workshop--includes hundreds of tiny tools, plus real C-4!!!

Madeline's Torture Room/Beauty Salon--whether questioning scum or preparing for a gala night out, Madeline has the right equipment. (Scum and Torture Twins sold separately, not yet available)

Replies:

Question: T'nT: Yes, Ursula-The question on All our minds---Will Hong Kong Michael be offered in an anatomically correct model for girls OVER a certain age??

Answer: Urs-Tek is committed to education, whether it be chemistry (Walter's Workshop), technology (the firearms), or biology. We at Urs-Tek are committed to putting out products which will fulfill all of our customer's educational and play-time needs.

Question: Norma: Oh GOODY!!! does it come with batteries? *grin*

Answer: Hong Kong Michael never needs batteries. He is powered by a patented new power source and only needs to be filled with coffee once per day. (However, for high performance we recommend espresso, or for a more "long-life" approach, a good mocha cappaccino. Whipped cream and sprinkles are optional, but may enhance your recreational use of the Michael action figure .

************ Question: pbj: wondering whether a "Love Boat Michael" will be available? Life size? I'll take a case. LOL

Question: T'nT: Good point pbj-maybe a blow-up lifesize doll?...NO, don't go there...

Answer: Love Boat Michael is tentatively scheduled for our second release of action figures, along with Racoon-Fighting Birkoff and "New Regime" Nikita, complete with evil-woman red lipstick and slinky skirt.

Question: pbj: do you take Visa or American Express?

Answer: pbj: A scientist, especially one with experience cloning Michael, might be an excellent addition to our staff. We can make you a very sweet deal on stock options and patent royalties, plus you would of course get to keep the prototype of anything you develop . . .

Comment: pbj to Ursula: Hot damn! I'm on my way home to pack! I'll be there in the morning! You don't even need to pay me, I'm sure the fringe benefits will be sufficient!! ************

Question: Betsy: Wonderfully funny! How can I order - and is Urs-Tek a publicly held company so I can invest? Uh, are you sure it's not some RE-assembly required on Jurgen?

Answer: Excellent point Betsy, you are just the type we need writing those pesky legal disclaimers (I'm told by Legal we have to put them on, especially the Walter line of toys.)

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Announcement: Good News! R & D has just advised me that a new model "Story Board Fantasy Michael" will be added to our premier line as a special bonus for our Internet customers. He features his signature long, luxurious hair (it's brushable!), long black coat, and cool shades. Comes with detachable, "Lap-Sitting ZZooMama" with her own Uzi, "Bunny-Slipper Lorraine" wearing her flannel leopard-pattern nighty and bunny slippers; Jello-wrestling T'nt, wearing her ripped coverall and carrying two packs of Black Cherry Jello; Video-Cam Hopposai, ready to film whatever action takes place; and Radical Ranma, complete with Pepe DePew slippers and Midnight kitten figurine. Other Story Board Figures will be available soon!

Question: Ranma: Whooo Whooo, fame at Last! My own action figure!!!!! Of course, you won't be able to do Midnight justice but I'd like to pre-order a complete set of Story Board figures please!! p.s. does this also come with an optional writer's block?

Answer: Ranma: Just so sweet little Midnight won't be done an injustice, Urs-Tek has hired a team from Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum to do the sculpture work, and we are currently running a cost analysis on having him have an actual (synthetic) fur coat. We also are attempting to adapt the special Michael coffee-power mechanism to run on cream.

Question(?): Video-Cam Hopposai: Snicker, snicker, hee-hee, snicker, hee....rewind....snicker, snicker, rewind, snicker snicker, ha ha, rewind, haa haa, snicker, gawf, hee-hee, rewind, hee-hee, PAUSE, frame advance, frame advance, frame advance....hee heee hoo hoo, haa haa, frame advance, frame advance....jello....hoo hoo, ha ha. rewind............

Answer (?): Okay, Video-Cam Hopposai, you're enjoying this way too much. Don't make me put in a double-pack with "Depressed, Angry Michael with Ninja Kicking Action". He's the one who breaks all the new recruit action figures. Ursula (Or maybe I'd pair you with "Demerol-Addicted Madeline", who sends you, her video-cam lacky out after her drugs and forces him to inject her. Hhhmmmm.)

Question (?): Hopposai: In all honesty, I thought enjoyment was the key to action figure sales... Though I truly don't believe that this will be too much of a hassle due to the fact that Video-Cam Hopposai has made a very lucrative deal with Birky, being as he is tired of purchasing all his computer supplies from Radio Shack (thanks to past budget cuts...hee hee), to mass produce and sell all forthcoming volumes of Michael and his Bevy of Beauties video tapes...those with and without the jello scenes....Oh, and BTW don't even think about contacting Walter being as he has ordered the first 47 volumes.

Answer (?): Forty-Seven VOLUMES!!! I can see we'll have to start production on "Weasel Boy Birkoff" and maybe, if you're very nice, "Nikita's Sexy Neighbor Hopposai With Whom She is Having a Torrid Affair and The Whole Thing With Michael Is Just a Front". Maybe, huh? Wink, wink? Deal?

Question (?): Hopposai: Weeellllll......No. Sorry, but we've decided to be exclusive in this "business" relationship and that there are just too many problems in getting involved with Menage a Trois..... Besides, Ursula and Michail's Neon Uzi, which we thought would have only minimal sales, is completely sold out and now in its second printing..... Why split millions three ways, when you can split it two and have that much more..... ha ha hee hee.

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Question: 'chelle: one question ... does the Maddy doll come with her own defibulator kit and heart monitor?

Answer: 'chelle, you are a genius. I think those would be excellent accessories to the new "Heart-Stopping Madeline" action figure (which comes in a slinky blue nightgown). Also, "Heart-Stopping Madeline" has scratch-n-sniff hair in three wonderful scents: Classic Chanel, Herbal Ecstasy, and Wild Strawberry.

Manufacturer's Note: The three scratch-n-sniff Madeline hair scents have been changed for legal reasons. They are now: Classic Chanel, Classic Gunsmoke, and Fresh Napalm in the Morning (Operation's favorite!).

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Question: Cygnet: Whooohoo!! Quite possibly the funniest one ever!! (challenges, anyone?) Don't you think somone should mail this one - and all the replies -- to TPTB??

Answer: Good Lord, No! They'd cancel the show is a heartbeat as an attractive nuisance to psychotics and send us all to the rubber room. Wouldn't that be a heck of a mental ward? "No, he's my Michael!" "No, he's My Michael, you bitch!" "Quit saying bad things about Madeline or I'll have the nurse electroshock you." Sometimes imagination is a scary thing. Ursula

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Question: pbj: Look at all these new action figure candidates...Mikey mowing the lawn, Mikey in Khaki's, Mikey in a jeep, Mikey with barbecue implements!! Can you say fixation? LOL

Comment: Caro: Don't forget to put him in M&N's suburban dream house...

Answer: Yes! Perfecto! "Lawn Mowing Michael" complete with his own riding John Deere lawn tractor, rake which turns into a rocket launcher, and shirt that comes off for those after-mowing, lemonade-sipping moments with "Suburban Housewife Nikita", which comes with his and hers guest towels (which the Michael figure is NOT allowed to use!) , shopping bags from such mall favorites as The Gap and Victoria's Secret, and a brochure for community college art courses. Also, "Barbecue Chef Michael" (just because I, as CEO, like the idea of Michael in a chef's hat), complete with (surprise!) chef's hat, "Kiss the Cook" apron, and spatula/bad guy decapitator. See what you've started again? LOL

Question: taichi:...Who's taking orders....I would like 3 BBQ Mikey"s.... does he come with a supply of "I'm too sexy for my sunglasses" sunglasses!!!!!! yum!!!!!

Comment: To pbj: When you're right, you're right. Silea is a genius! I like the grass clippings on the sweaty chest, too! How about it, Silea? Want to come work for Urs-Tek in Product Design? It seems you have a real eye for the kind of thing we like! (Also, what's Nikita going to do with her "secret" shopping bag contents? Nothing to cause all the husbands in the cul-de-sac to get into trouble, I hope!) LOL

Reply: Silea to Ursula: I would be honored! How about 4th of July Pool Party Bathing Suit Mikey (to Speedo, or not to Speedo, that is the question, not to mention the fireworks) and as for the shopping bag, well, if Victoria's Secret was dangerous...

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Question: Caro: Ursula... will you make a shirtless wood-chopping Mikey doll complete with sculpted abs?

Answer: Caro, for you we will create a special edition shirtless wood-chopping Mikey doll. I've already called and put the ab sculptors on overtime. But the Accessory Division wants to know if you want a double-headed or logger's two-man ax.

Question: Caro: I think Mikey should be able to accessorize, don't you? While you're at it, throw in an atomizer so we can make him sweat...heh heh...

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Comment: Okay, both Caro and Norma have jobs if they want them, but they will have to put in long, long hours field testing each new model. We wouldn't want any shoddy Michaels on the market, would we? LOL

Reply: Norma: actually I hadn't got as high as the abs, but I'd be willing to give it a shot *veg*

Reply: Caro gratefully accepts your offer of employment... my day job was boring me anyway... Bring on the field test!!!

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Question: Ursula: Is it okay if We all just be play in the marvelous M/N Suburban Dreamhouse until you get back? Especially if we promise not to break anything (like Mikey or his lawn mower) or write on the walls or have a hellacious pool party? (Okay, if we agree to clean up after the hellacious pool party.)? Please?

Question: 'chelle: Did someone say Pool Party? Did you know that my inflatable Mikey doll also doubles as a foatation device? Count me in! Should I bring chips or dip or anything?

Reply: Of course not! Christopher, the Section steward, sees that every dreamhouse has a fully stocked pantry! You don't have to bring anything, not even a swimsuit, if you don't want!

Comment: to zm: "Pool Boy Mikey" is on his way. He just has to stop off at the regional IRS building to take care of a little business. It makes him unhappy when one of his favorite writers has to take time out from the board for mundane concerns like taxes.

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