"Suddenly something has happened to me
as I was having my cup of tea
Suddenly I was feeling depressed
I was utterly and totally stressed
Do you know you made me cry?
Do you know you made me die?"

"You know it can't be casual between you and me. I can't do that."

I said it to him a very long time ago, and I meant it. I still do. That's the way it has to be between us. All or nothing, no middle ground.

I've been thinking a lot about it lately, Michael and I. Contemplating our relationship, looking over what we've been through in the past five or so years. Has it really been that long? Sometimes, I look into those impenetrable green eyes of his and I feel like it's the first time. Like I'm still the young recruit on the floor of the White Room and he's my enigmatic trainer, pinning me to the floor, giving me my first lesson in hand-to-hand combat. He often makes me feel like that, like I have the wind knocked out of me. And he is the reason. He is always the reason.

We've been through a lot. I'm not the defiant recruit anymore and he is no longer my trainer. Though I'll always seek his advice, always look up to him.

I still remember my first years here, with him, very clearly. I was very easy to manipulate then, I was naive, thinking that one could defy Section and stay alive. They had used my naivete back then, often choosing Michael as their tool to manipulate me. All it took was a look, a touch and I was captivated, I was willing to do anything for him. Michael has this effect on people. He can bend anyone to his will, using his considerable charms and Section's training. Sometimes I cringe to think about it.

"And the thing that gets to me
is you'll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
is I'll always be in doubt..."

Michael is not an easy man to understand. At first, I thought I meant nothing to him. Just another one who fell to his feet to a look from his beautiful eyes. But now I know. I know I am different, I know that there is something between us. I don't know how to explain it, really. Ever since the first time I saw him, really looked at him, above me in the White Room, I felt it. Our bond, this strange connection between us. It was like an electric current coursing through my body. I remember his hands on my arms, holding me still, burning into me forever. I knew since then that Michael Samuelle was not the machine he pretends to be. He is a man, in the full sense of the word. And he has the animal in him, a passion, that scared and thrilled me at once.

Ever since then I tried to bring that out in him, to make him lose control, to slip. Usually, I failed, until... until our night on the boat. When he threw me down on the bed I saw it in his eyes again. The animal, the passion, and something more that bonds us together forever. That was when I realized that I love him. Real love, not a teenage crush. Our love has always been fierce- almost violent. Our love is not hearts and flowers. It's blood, fire and passion. It's life and death.

"It's such a lovely thing that we have
It's such a lovely thing that we
It's such a lovely thing, the animal
the animal instinct..."

It's not all, though. It is frightening sometimes, what we have between us. Sometimes I think that if our bond was a tiny bit stronger, I would be able to read his mind, feel the blood flowing in his veins. This is beyond mentor-recruit relationship, beyond friendship, even beyond love. He affects me like no one else does and he can hurt me harder than anyone. But it goes both ways. I can feel him every time he's in pain, I can feel his suffering, and I know he can feel me, too. That's why all his manipulations of me had been so hard on him, he felt my pain. This is something I neglected to understand for years.

But there was something that was always there. His protection of me. Like an animal protecting its mate- he always stood in harm's way for me, risking everything to keep me safe. And I do that for him, I always will.

"So take my hands and come with me
we will change reality
So take my hands and we will pray
they won't take you away
They will never make me cry, no
They will never make me die..."

And we are strong together. Me and Michael united, we're invincible, nothing can stand in our way. Not the people around us, not the terrorists we fight, and not even our superiors. It took me a very long time to realize it, that they can't hurt me as long as I have Michael. What can they do to me, really?

Michael once told me, "You're the only one of us who still has a soul." What I didn't know then, what we both didn't know, was that he is my soul. As I am his. It took me a while to convince him that he hadn't lost his soul. And he won't lose it either, not as long I'm alive. This is why we can't be harmed by anyone but ourselves. I know that, for as long as I live, I'll have his undying loyalty and protection. And what is love if not that?

So the only one who can hurt me is Michael, and I know he'll never do that on purpose. So I'm not afraid of them. They can't hurt me, not even if they kill him. Don't get me wrong here, I don't want him to die, I'd give my life for him. The thing is- if he dies, I will follow him. There simply isn't any other way for me, for us. I know Michael feels the same about me.

This is the essence of our connection. We will stay together no matter what. Not even death can do us part.

"The animal, the animal,
the animal instinct in me
It's the animal, the animal,
the animal instinct in me..."

~ The End ~

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