Can you keep a secret?

I'm lying here in my empty bed thinking about him. I feel it inside me; the emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling that something is missing. I've been feeling this way ever since Operations and Madeline forced us to end our relationship.

At first, we defied them, we stayed together in spite of everything they said. But when they hurt Michael by removing him from his position, I couldn't continue. I saw in his eyes how much it hurt him, even though he never said anything, and I couldn't, wouldn't be the cause of that. So I told him that for his sake and mine we should end everything between us, "preserve our friendship," I said. Stupid. I could never be just his friend. So I'm lying here, trying not to cry.

Yesterday, I saw him while walking through the halls in Section. He looked just as perfect as ever, so beautiful, so strong. My Michael. His beauty has always made my heart skip a bit when I laid eyes on him. He didn't even look at me, only walked by my without acknowledging me at all. "You said it's not over," my mind screamed, "you said you'll find a way for us to be together again." But I didn't utter a word, just swallowed hard and walked past him without a word or a look. We have to be careful, I know it, but how can I keep doing this when my whole body craves his touch, when my heart cries every time I see him, when I wake up in the middle of the night, imagining he's with me only to find an empty bed beside me?

I've regretted my stupid decision a thousand times over. I sometimes wish I could turn back time and take back my foolish words. I want to come home with him when he'll say "Let's go home", I want to ignore everything in the cruel, cold world around us except for him. How could I think that I can give him up?

But then I remember the look in his eyes, the humiliation that he had to suffer when his status was taken from him, and I know that I made the right decision.

Yet, there's still a glimmer of hope. He told me, he promised me that it's not over, and I hope with all my heart that he meant what he'd said. The thought brings a smile to my face. Michael is not a man to back down from a challenge. When Michael wants something, he'll walk through fire and storms to get it. And this is the only thing that prevents me from losing hope completely.

But when, my Michael? How long will we have to wait? Please hurry, my love, I miss you.

My heart in pounding against my chest, like a crazy bird trying to get out. Earlier today, I went to Walter's desk, just to chat like I always do. He gave me a few details about the upcoming mission and I started telling him about Mick's visit this morning. Mick and his crap, he always appears in my apartment with the most odd requests. Once he begged me for condoms and I almost kicked him on his rear when he made a comment about me and Michael. This time he wanted me to pose as his wife for the sake of his mother. Crazy Mick.

Suddenly, as I was busy describing Mick's new problem to Walter, Michael appeared there. "Do you have a moment?" he asked me. His incredibly sexy voice was a little cold and totally professional. I swallowed a lump in my throat, "Of course."

We stepped away from Walter and walked casually down the hall. I felt Michael press something into my palm. A disk, small one. "Read it and give it to Walter once you're done," he said, never stopping his stride. I nodded and we parted. I walked towards my computer and sat down heavily in front of it.

I turned the computer on and inserted the disk into the rack. My heart skipped several beats and my breath caught in my throat. In the disk was a message from Michael. It said that there will be a message in my panel during the upcoming mission with a rendezvous time and place. God, how I hoped we could pull it off. Finally, finally he found a way for us. No matter how risky it is, we will finally be together. I didn't care anymore and I knew that he feels the same. All I wanted was some time with him, careless of the consequences.

Exactly two minutes afterwards, I took the disk out and gave it to Walter. He took it and discreetly moved a magnet over it and tossed it to the garbage. I smiled in thanks and left. Time for briefing.

I could hardly concentrate in the briefing. All I could think of was Michael and that soon I'll be able to touch him again, to be wrapped in his strong embrace and have him kiss me senseless. With a great effort, I managed to completely ignore him during the briefing.

Walter handed us the equipment for the mission. As I picked up a panel, Walter took it from my hand and handed me another one. "No, not that one," he said hurriedly, "this one's yours."

"Thanks," I murmured and turned to leave.

"It's a pleasure," he said and called behind me, "take care of yourself." I turned and looked at him, warning him with my eyes to shut up.

I sat in the dark mission van, glancing at his shadowed face. He wasn't looking at me, not even for a second, well, that was pretty obvious considering he was driving. I caught Davenport looking at him, at me, too. Watching us like a hawk, like we were about to open a window and flee. Maybe it was just my wild imagination, but I think he was suspecting something. But how? How did he know? It was probably Madeline's doing, planting him there to watch over us. He wasn't even supposed to be on this mission. No matter, I'm sure Michael will find a way to run around this.

The van stopped. The mission had begun.

"Nikita," I heard Michael's quiet voice through my com unit, "move to your first position." I ran, on top of the building towards my position.

"Got it," I murmured after I entered the building and retrieved the detonation chips.

"Nikita has possession." I heard Birkoff say through the com unit.

I take a deep breath and clicked a few buttons on my panel. Show time.

I raised my gun and fired. "Retrieval?" Birkoff said.

"Birkoff, I'm surrounded," I said, my voice was steady and calm despite my nervousness, "I need immediate egress."

Birkoff informed Michael that I'm under fire. I took my com unit out of my ear and smashed it to the floor, taking the remnants with me. I ran out of the building into the clod night. My heart was pounding like crazy, I thought it would burst right out of my chest. I killed two guards in the back of the building and took one of their motorcycles. I got on it, held the handlebars with shaky hands and drove away, towards Michael's and mine rendezvous point.

After a few minutes I arrived there. It was a boat. My heart fluttered in my chest. Just like our first time, on the boat in Lyons. It was an incredible night, full of passion and tinged with desperateness. We didn't know if we would ever see each other again that night, and our lovemaking was passionate and so wonderful. I think it was that night that I realized that I couldn't live without him.

I entered the boat and sat inside, waiting for him. Only a few minutes passed and I heard the noise of a motorcycle outside. The door opened and he entered., his lean figure illuminated only by the soft moonlight. He stepped in front of me and I looked into his beautiful eyes. His look was of sorrow and tenderness. I also so longing in his gaze. He wanted me and missed me just like I wanted and missed him.

"We have one hour," he whispered, his voice soft.

His hand caressed my face and my heart leapt. I closed my eyes and felt his soft, sweet lips touch mine. It was a soft kiss, a kiss meant to be a beginning, an invitation to discover the deep passion underneath the surface. I kissed him back. Hard. I eagerly sucked his lower lip into my mouth and bit it gently.

Suddenly, his hands were on my arms, pushing me away roughly. I opened my eyes to look into his, that were clouded with hunger and desire. I leaned forward quickly and kissed him. He pushed me back again. I felt the heat that was emanating from his hands, like an electric current coursing through my already aroused body. His hands moved to my jacket and pushed it off of my shoulders. I helped him remove it and proceeded to help him remove his own clothing. A few short moments later, we were standing naked in front of each other. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up against his hard body. I wrapped my legs around his quickly and shivered with desire as out bodies met. He carried me to the small bed and we landed on it, kissing hungrily.

It was wonderful. In the beginning, out lovemaking was wild, intense. He kissed every inch of my body franticly as if he was starving and I cried out as he entered me, wrapping my legs with a bruising force around him. After our immediate passion was spent, he became gentle and worshiping. He kissed me softly, murmuring sweet endearments in my ear. I almost wept with joy at the tenderness and completeness of our union.

Afterwards, we lay there entwined. I curled in his arms and pressed my lips to his neck. He hugged me tightly and kissed my temple and I felt tears in my eyes. I didn't want to leave. Not now, not ever.

A few minutes of sated bliss in his arms and then he whispered, "We have to go. They will get suspicious if we don't come back soon." I nodded and he climbed slowly out of the bed. My arms felt so empty all of a sudden.

He picked up his clothes and started dressing up. I did the same. After we were both dressed, he took out a small vial and a syringe from his pocket.

"We have to make them believe you've really been kidnapped and that they attempted to interrogate you." I understood. He took my arm gently and injected me with the drug. After a few seconds, I felt dizzy. He wrapped a strong arm around my waist and we both went out of the boat. He climbed on the motorcycle and seated me behind him. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and rested my head on his warm back. We went back to Section.

I was taken to MedLab and a medic injected me with something to contradict the effect of the drug. Everything was ok until Birkoff picked up my panel. Walter worried response when I told him that made me even more worried than I have been until now.

I went looking for Michael. I found him walking towards his office.

"We need to talk," I whispered, walking casually beside him. He glanced at me and returned, "Level 4. Be there in five minutes."

When he arrived there, I was already waiting for him.

"Have you spoken to Walter?" I asked. I was worried, really worried. What if our actions will get Walter hurt eventually?

"Yes." He answered, his voice whisper soft.

"What are we going to do?" I questioned.

"Nothing."

"And if Birkoff tells Madeline?"

"Deny everything."

I sighed sadly. "Michael, we're playing with fire."

He stepped closer to me and took my hand in his. I felt goosebumps appear on my skin when his warm lips touched my knuckles gently with a kiss.

"I know," he answered, his eyes looking deeply into mine. I couldn't resist anymore, I stood up and wrapped my arms around him. Our lips met in a feverish kiss. I broke the kiss eventually and opened my eyes. Our foreheads were touching, his eyes were still shut tightly, his breathing erratic and his body shuddering with each breath. His eyes opened and his palm grasped my chin tenderly.

"We have to leave," he whispered, tracing my moist lips with his thumb. I nodded and reluctantly stepped away from his arms. I walked away down the hall, looking back one more time to see his forlorn figure still standing there, looking at me with longing and sorrow in his eyes. I know because I felt the same.

I went back home, sad and missing him like hell. I sat in my livingroom, nursing a glass of wine and clicked the radio on. The melodic sounds of a song drifted into the air and I closed my eyes.

"These walls keep a secret that only we know,
but how long can they keep it, 'cos we're two lovers who lose control,
We're two shadows, chasing rainbows,
Behind closed windows, behind closed doors..."

My eyes flew open. The song matched my feelings so. Michael and I are lovers who are out of control, lost in our passion to be together. And in the shadow world we live, we have to hide behind closed doors and windows.

"Two people making memories, just too good to tell,
and these arms are never empty, when we're lying where we fell,
We're painting pictures, making magic,
Taking chances,
Making love..."

My open eyes filled with tears. Oh, Michael, the memories we make together are too good and precious to tell. And being with you is magic, only with you I feel complete.

"If walls could talk, oh, they would say "I want you more",
They would say, "Hey, never felt like this before",
And that you will always be the one for me...
If the walls had eyes, my, they would see the love inside,
They would see, me, in your arms in ecstasy,
And with every move they'd know- I love you so..."

At this point I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. With shaky fingers, I turned the Radio off, placed the wineglass on the table and buried my head in my hands, sobbing. I'm so scared. What would happen if they find out? What would they do to us?

"Oh, Michael," I whispered through tears, "I know what we're doing is dangerous, but I can't let go, I can't stop." I wiped the tears angrily and closed my eyes again.

What I feel for him, I can't put into words. It is more than I've ever felt and it feels wonderful and frightening at once. Is it love? I never knew love could be so strong, so all-consuming.

I have a bad feeling. I know that we will be caught eventually and we'll be forced to pay for our love. But until then, I can't stop, I don't want to. I whisper into the night, "Oh, Michael, I just want to stay with you forever."

"And with every move they'd know- I love you so..."

I love you so.

The End

*** The song is Celine Dion's "If Walls Could Talk". Already from the first time I heard it, it made me think about "Playing with Fire" and I had to write this story. I hope you liked it. T.

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