I'm lying in her bed and listening to her breathing. I love her, very much, and I wish I could protect her from all the ugliness she has to face almost every day of our lives.

Earlier tonight, she came back from a mission to Sudan. I came back from the Balkans a few hours earlier, and was waiting to her in her apartment. In the minute she walked through the door, I knew something was wrong. She had a haunted look on her face, like she did something she loathed doing. Knowing her and Section's ways, I knew that this must be the case. I went to her and wrapped my arms around her. She clung to me, burying her face in my chest. I could feel her tears when they streamed down her face. I hugged her tightly, "What's wrong?" I whispered in her ear. But still, she didn't answer me, just kept crying into my chest.

I held her for a few minutes, and then released her. "Why don't you take a shower and I'll make you something to eat?" I suggested. She nodded and stepped wearily towards the bathroom. Meantime, I made us dinner. A few minutes afterwards she stepped out of the bedroom, dressed in a white tank top and pajama shorts. Her robe was wrapped loosely around her body. I want to her and led her to the table. She didn't move, just stared at the table. I fed her like you do with a little child. She ate almost without noticing what came into her mouth. It seemed that her thoughts were somewhere else.

After we finished dinner we went to the livingroom. I sat on the couch and pulled her into my arms.

"Ni-ki-ta, tell me what happened," I asked softly while stroking her back. She was silent for a few minutes, and then started to tell me about the mission. Apparently, the team was supposed to invade a factory that was the hideout of a known terrorist and grab him. But when they neared the factory, it became clear that the terrorist had backup. The Section team and the terrorists started shooting towards each other, and in the middle of the fighting, she noticed two small children. They tried to hide, but... Her voice cracked and I realized that those children are no longer alive.

Nikita always had a weakness to children. It reminded me one of her missions a very long time ago with a slimeball name Alec Chandler. She didn't know it on the beginning, but Chandler was a slave driver, who sold children like they were animals. When she found that out, she jeopardized the mission in order to save the children's life. Operations was displeased with her, but I couldn't blame her. She was right.

I rocked her gently and whispered soothing words in her ear. I know it's not much, but that's all I can give her. The entity that controls our lives wouldn't let me do more than that.

I wish I'd always be there for her. She has stood by my side so many times. When I lost my wife, Simone, for the second time, Nikita was there to comfort me. It was one of the rare occasions I exposed my feelings openly. She took me out for coffee and I told her about Simone. She listened to every word I had to say. That's the way she is. Always understanding and compassionate.

I scooped her in my arms and carried her to bed. Then I stripped off her robe and laid her in bed. I lay next to her and pulled her into my arms. She snuggled in my arms and buried her face in my neck, kissing me softly once. It made me remember our first time together.

It was six months after I set her free. She ran away from Section, never to return. For six months I've had no idea if she's alive or dead. I went crazy from not knowing. I kept sending her messages to the PDA that I gave her, but she never responded. Then, one night, when I went out to a mission to Lyons, she appeared there and saved my life. That night, she responded to my messages in the PDA and told me where she was. I went to her that night, and we ended up making love until dawn. It is one of my sweetest memories. I remember everything as if it was yesterday. I remember the sweet taste of her lips on mine in the first time, the look in her eyes, the soft moans and whimpers she uttered when our bodies joined... After I returned to Section, I had to turn away from her. I just couldn't carry on a relationship with her knowing that I'll have to go back home eventually to my wife and son. She didn't understand why I withdraw from her... but, still, she stood by my side.

So much time afterwards, when I suffered the loss of my son, she was there for me. She is the one that comforted me and encouraged me not to give up, to continue living. It was her who took me out of my misery; it was her who, once again, brought me back.

She loves me, I know she does. She told me that herself. In the moment she said that I felt the emptiness of my heart banish. She fills me so completely.

I hug her tightly and breathing in her sweet scent. There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her I love her, but it's very hard for me say. When she told me loved me, I felt the warmth of her love wrap itself around my heart. I'm afraid that if I tell her that I love her, it will sound dull, worthless. I know I'm not worthy of her love, but it's the only thing that keeps me alive.

I want her to know that she is the only light in the black hole I call my life. Her mere presence helps to ease the pain in my heart.

Every sweet smile on her lips, every one of her soft kisses, makes my heart lighter. She makes me feel truly happy, a feeling I thought I'd never feel again.

I gaze upon her sleeping face. She cried herself to sleep, her face still buried in my neck. I sigh deeply and kiss her forehead. It breaks my heart that I can no longer protect her, that she has to face things like that on her own.

"Oh, Nikita," I whisper to her, "I know I'm not giving you much, but I'm doing all I can," my voice broke, "I should've set you free, but I'm selfish, I want you near me." I take a deep breath, "I love you, Nikita."

I feel a single tear stream down my cheek and land on her soft hair. I love her so much, maybe someday I'll be able to shatter the silence and tell her that.

THE END

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