ATTENTION: Stories marked with an * may contain material which would be better appreciated by those over 18. Parental Discretion is advised. This is your responsibility, not ours. Michael sat in his office, shrouded in darkness. His leg throbbed from where Jurgen had shot him but the pain was minimal when compared to the pain in his heart. He thought about Nikita. About her questions to him. How she had questioned his jealousy of Jurgen, and his motives. How she had accused him of using her to get to Jurgen from the moment he had brought her back in to Section. Questioning if their night on the boat had meant anything to him. Michael could almost laugh at the thought. It stunned him that she would have to ask that. Hurt him as well. That night had meant more to Michael than any other moment in his life. He didn't blame Nikita for not believing him. He had never given her reason to in the past. But he had asked that she be patient, and she had not been willing to do so. Nikita was a firm believer in trust, yet she would not give him the benefit of the doubt. Not ever. Other thoughts intruded, and Michael closed his eyes. What he had said to Nikita, about missing Jurgen, had been the truth. Michael had respected Jurgen, had truly liked the man. But had known that Jurgen could not be trusted. Section was not about the individual, it was a family unit. Jurgen refused to be a part of the family, and that was not acceptable. But Nikita see that. She would never understand that being in Section was about seeing the whole picture, not just the portion, or the image, that affected her directly. Like during the War. Michael hadn't wanted to use her, or manipulate her. Never wanted to hurt her. But Nikita had seen his actions only as a betrayal to her. Hadn't even wanted to see that he did what he did to save hundreds of lives. Operative lives. But that was Nikita. She, like Jurgen, railed against becoming a number. They wanted to remain individuals. You couldn't do that in Section and survive. Michael knew that better than anyone. But he could never explain that to Nikita. She wouldn't believe him even if he was willing to try, and he wasn't. Michael propped his elbows on his desk and buried his head in his hands. He wondered if she would ever cut him any slack. Wondered if it was worth the effort. Her words echoed in his head like chaos. All the accusations blending together into a cacophony of sound. What hurt Michael the most was when she questioned their night together. He kept going back to that. He had opened himself up to her, body and soul. But he couldn't pretend that a relationship with Nikita would be white picket fences and the PTA. Section was not the Real World. It was its own universe with its own rules and regulations. Nikita refused to accept that. Michael wondered sometimes if that night meant anything to her. She had given herself over to Jurgen so easily. Hadn't taken but a few words, unspoken, to send her into the arms of the other man. And that had been hell. It was as he had told Nikita. Michael lived his life split in two. It was how he lived his life. How he survived. It was all he knew. If he allowed himself to show the e motions that he felt, Section would use them against him. Would manipulate him the way they did Nikita. Why couldn't she see that? Thoughts of Jurgen filtered in again. The man had been a friend to Michael. He had pushed him to the breaking point and beyond during training. Never once allowing Michael to give up on himself. He had been an enemy, at first. But then a friend. A mentor. Someone Michael could respect. Yet he knew better than to trust him, for some of the things he had said to Nikita about Jurgen had been true. Jurgen was a dangerous man. But now he was gone, yet his presence still lingered, a barrier between him and Nikita, of this Michael was certain. "Michael..." He glanced up to see Madeline standing in the doorway. He hadn't even heard her approach. "Yes?" Michael whispered. Madeline came in and sat down across from him. "You miss him," she said softly, meaning Jurgen. "Yes," he replied. That was all. "I'm sorry about what you had to do," Madeline said, and she was sincere. She understood Michael's feelings for Nikita, and the respect he'd had for Jurgen. What she had asked him to do had been necessary, but Madeline felt regret. Michael was loyal to them and they seemed only to find ways to hurt him. Yet he never turned on them. Not even for Nikita. Michael didn't look at Madeline. "It had to be done," he drawled. Madeline nodded. "Yes, it did. I was thinking that you might like to get away for awhile. You haven't had a vacation in far too long." "No...thank you," Michael replied. "I want to stay." "As you wish," Madeline whispered. She stood up and headed for the door. But paused. "Michael...if you want to talk, I'm willing to listen." She didn't mention Nikita. Didn't have to. Michael looked at her then. "Thank you," he told her, but they both knew he wouldn't take her up on her offer. He held Madeline's gaze for a moment, and then she was gone. Michael closed his eyes again. "Goodbye, my friend," he whispered, as the image of Jurgen flashed in his head. Then he reached for the light and clicked it on. It was time to go back to work. THE END BACK TO AUTHOR'S S-T LFN STORYBOARD ARCHIVES MAIN PAGE LFN LINKS PAGE Send suggestions or comments to Shelly