Jerry: Hello everyone. Welcome to our show. Today we're going to be talking about what has apparently become a somewhat controversial topic: seduction. We'll be speaking to some members of a group who may be considered some of the most seduction savvy people around. What makes them so good at what they do? Aside from the fact they're all very attractive, of course. Well, one theory is that it's due to the fact they all had the same teacher.

(The crowd erupts in a series of excited "woooo's" and some disapproving "ohhhh's".)

Jerry: All right, all right, let's get started. I'm going to bring out my first guest. His name is Michael...come on out!

(Michael saunters onto the set, dressed down in black. He seats himself, crossing the ankle of one leg over the knee of the other. There is some excited chatter among some women scattered around the room.)

Jerry: Hi, Michael.

Michael: Hi.

Jerry: How are you?

Michael: I'm fine. (He flashes a smile as he delivers his patented answer.) And yourself?

Jerry: Doing good, thanks. Okay now, Michael, why don't you stand up and let the audience take a look at you?

(Michael complies. He stands and turns around in a circle slowly.)

Jerry: Now, does anyone in the audience recognize this man?

(10 women raise their hands, each woman seated a significant distance from the next. Jerry walks up to one of them.)

Jerry: Yes, ma'am--how do you know Michael?

First Woman: We met before the show. Only his name's not Michael--it's Roy--and he's taking me to dinner tonight. (She laughs giddily and Michael just smiles.)

Second Woman: (From across the room.) In your dreams. His name is Richard and he's taking *me* to dinner. *And* a movie.

(In seconds, all 10 women are standing and screaming various names for and dates with Michael.)

Jerry: Well, it seems we have some confusion here. All you ladies, take a seat. Go on, take a seat and we'll sort this out. Actually, why don't you two (he motions to the first two women) go sit down on stage and join the discussion?

(The women walk down the aisles and take chairs on the opposite end of the stage from Michael.)

Jerry: (Addresses Michael, who is seated again.) Now, Michael, did you ever ask any of these women out?

Michael: All 10 of them.

Jerry: And how did you plan on keeping dates with all 10 women?

Michael: I didn't. I just needed this, remember? (From an inside coat pocket, he produces a bag of cash, jewelry, checks and credit cards.) From each woman, I collected something of monetary value which I promised to pay back or return.

Jerry: And they gave all that to you willingly?

Michael: Of course. It wasn't that hard to convince them--it never is.

(The women are fuming.)

First Woman: You bastard!

Second Woman: How could you do that, you son of a bitch?!

Jerry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there, okay? Hold it. I have a little confession to make to you ladies. Before the show, we wanted to test Michael's abilities, so we had him seduce 10 randomly chosen women from the audience out of money and jewelry and such. Pretty good, isn't he?

(The women agree quickly.)

Jerry: Don't worry, we'll return all of your belongings at the end of the show. So, tell us, Michael, why do you do what you do?

Michael: It's business. Nothing more, nothing less. I do what I have to do to get my job done.

Jerry: Okay, now that we've had our fun with the ladies in the audience, guys, we have a surprise for you! Her name is Josephine and here she is!

(Nikita walks briskly onto the stage, floppy brown hat in place over a shoulder-length black wig and sits one chair away from Michael.)

First Man: Hey, she doesn't have anything to do with my date tomorrow night, does she?

Jerry: Nope. She doesn't. *She* does. (Some photo close-ups of Nikita in 5 different wigs and outfits flash on a video screen.)

(A group of 10 men scream "Dammit!" in unison, 2 men per picture. Jerry invites the first man onto the stage. He sits next to the two women.)

Jerry: Hello, Josephine.

(Nikita blows him a kiss and proceeds to blow bubbles with her gum.)

Jerry: Well, we've heard from Michael, but why do you do it?

Nikita: (Innocently) Do what?

Jerry: Seduce unsuspecting men.

Nikita: I can do that?

Jerry: You sure seem to be able to...

Nikita: If you say so. I only truly try to seduce those men I love. The rest is only business. Noth-

Jerry: Nothing more, nothing less. I know. Is that what you guys are taught to say?

(Nikita and Michael exchange a look.)

Jerry: No, wait. I have a better idea. What do you say we ask your teacher?

(The audience screams its approval.)

Jerry: All right, let's bring her out--her name is Madeline!

(Madeline strides onto the stage, dressed in an impeccable black suit with a low-cut neckline and skirt down to her mid-thigh, and takes a seat between her operatives, demurely crossing one leg over the other. The audience has mixed, albeit loud, reactions.)

Jerry: Good afternoon, Madeline.

Madeline: Same to you. (She smiles softly.)

Jerry: Now, Madeline, what do you do for a living? In your own words.

Madeline: I'm a resident psychologist and strategist for a worldwide agency. I perform psychoanalyses and also aid in the training of our new recruits.

Jerry: Really? How so?

Madeline: Well, the first lesson I teach them is that there is no weapon more powerful than their femininity--or masculinity, whichever the case may be.

First Woman: Weapon?! You teach them to use it as a weapon?! That's the most disgraceful, crude thing I've ever heard of!

Second Woman: For real! What the [beep] were you [beep]ing thinking?! [Beep]ing with peoples' minds like that. Honestly! What a big [beep]ing load of [beep], you little bitch! Of all the [beep]ing..."

(Madeline's eyes widen slightly at the woman's language, but she shows no other signs of irritation...yet. In fact, during the screaming, she turns to Nikita and whispers "Why the wig and codename?" Nikita responds, "Oh, I'm going on Ricki Lake next week, so I figured the more confidentiality, the better.")

Second Woman: "...[beep]. Where the [beep] did you get-"

Jerry: Okay, ma'am, calm down, okay? Let's just talk this through rationally. I'm sure we can settle this.

Second Woman: Settle, my ass! Look at what the [beep]ing bitch has done! All this [beep] today is her fault!

Madeline: My what? (She chuckles sarcastically.) I don't think so. It's all business and business takes no fault.

First Man: Yeah. That kind of business is called a [beep]ing whorehouse!

(The crowd cheers wildly. Jerry looks caught halfway between amused and ashamed. He is smiling, but hanging his head and shaking it back and forth, hiding his eyes with his cards and microphone. Madeline is now most decidedly offended.)

Madeline: Business, yes. Whorehouse, no. We do business in the protection of the innocent people of this world. We've probably indirectly saved your ass a few times.

First Man: Bull[beep]. Even if you have, there's no need to do it like you do.

Madeline: Could have fooled me. Wait, no, you couldn't have. Noone can. You see, sir, the problem lies in you (she knows she has the battle won now) and the majority of the males of the species. I can tell that right now, you aren't taking me or my work seriously. It's all a big joke to you. But, let me tell you something. (She stands.) If you were willing to treat us women as equal professionals and conduct business with us as such, then maybe we wouldn't have to resort to such measures. But, due to your chauvinistic, pig-headed view of the world, we're often forced to use this.

(With the last few words, our otherwise modest Section mother unbuttons her suit jacket and yanks it open, shrugging it off her shoulders in the process. The skirt is next to go. She stands center-stage, continuing her tirade in no more than her heels, black satin bra and panties. Nikita pauses mid-bubble in a state of shock and Michael sits emotionless as ever. Jerry has perched himself on one of the aisle stairs among the roaring audience, quietly laughing to himself.)

Second Woman: That's all bull[beep]. I'm a very successful lawyer in a large corporate practice. I'm respected as a professional and certainly never had to [beep] anyone to get where I am today.

(Madeline is sitting again, though no more clothed than before.)

Madeline: Are you sure? Most people have to [beep] someone to get on the Springer show.

Second Woman: You know damn well that's not what I meant, bitch.

Madeline: Do I?

Second Woman: I meant I didn't have to [beep] for my promotions. I used my mind, which you obviously you don't have, so you were forced to use the rest of your anatomy.

Madeline: I'll just forget you ever said that about my not having a mind. It's safer for you that way. Besides, with that piece of [beep] you call a body, it wouldn't get you very far anyway and I'll be the first to say that my "rest of the anatomy" can kick the [beep]ing [beep] out of your "rest of the anatomy" any [beep]ing day of the week.

(With that, the woman pounces from her chair and dashes across the stage toward Madeline, who, in turn, stands and takes the woman head-on. Before long, the woman is in a head lock at the discretion of our Section mother.)

Madeline: Why the [beep] don't you just give it up now you [beep]ing little [beep]? If you weren't too naive to notice, seduction is only as effective as the seductee is gullible. Most men simply can't tell the difference between love and lust but then blame the women for doing what they had to do! And, to make matters worse, it's women like you who fall for the same [beep] from men that give women like me who can distinguish the fact that not every emotion is love a bad name! Just think about it. From your warped point of view, Michael was evil for seducing you, but at the same time, seduction only works on men who are just out to get laid. Therefore, it's always the man's fault.

(The woman's eyes light up in realization.)

Second Woman: Right...the man's fault. Always the man.

(Madeline releases her head and the woman attacks the man sitting on the stage who had been slandering Nikita. The first woman joins her. Nikita, meanwhile, who had been listening to Madeline's speech, jumps up and stands in front of Michael.)

Nikita: Were you listening, Michael? I hope so because you should have been taking notes. Hear that? The man's fault. Man. That would be you. Have you drawn the line, Michael? Have you? Which side am I on, I'd like to know. Love or lust, Michael? Choose.

(Jerry rises and heads off to sit on his little stool in the corner. Madeline has replaced her suit and sits again. Jerry delivers his Final Thought as stage managers try to pry the women off their victim and Nikita continues to badger a speechless Michael.)

Jerry: Well, we've had some interesting talk today. But, it all comes down to one thing in the end: seduction is a dangerous weapon, and with the right training can produce almost any desired effect. A word to the innocent public: choose your relations carefully because you never know what hidden agendas may lie behind them. Oh, and you can pick up your belongings on the way out of the studio. Until next time, goodbye.

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