I was sitting in my office one afternoon deep in thought, when I was disturbed by a knock on my door. “Who is it?” I said, assuming it was yet another undergrad dropping by to question the grading on the previous exam. In a voice I didn’t recognize came the reply, “Pbj,” (they don’t really call me that at work) “there’s someone here that wishes to speak with you.” I looked up, only then realizing it was one of my grad students, and she had an unusually large grin on her face.

*What are they up to now?* I wondered, suddenly annoyed that my grad students were having way too much fun, *mental note, tomorrow give them some more work to do*

Just then, she stepped aside revealing his identity....

“Hello,” he said in a voice that made my heart weak, “my name is...”

“Michael,” I blurted out.

“You’ve heard of me,” he said, appearing slightly embarrassed.

“Oh yes,” I said, “I’m a Reader on the Storyboard, and your reputation is quite extraordinary.” *I can’t believe I just said that!* “What can I do for you?” I managed to say, trying my best not to appear too overzealous. *Yes! It’s finally my turn! Thanks Lorraine, I owe ya*

“I need your help. You see, I’ve come up with a plan to help alleviate the cravings of all the writers and readers on the Storyboard. There’s just so many of them, and each one requires so much of me. They’re absolutely insatiable, and as hard as I try, I just can’t seem to keep all of them satisfied all the time.”

I decided to play along. “OK, what do you have in mind?” *Damn, he’s even more adorable in person! Uh oh, what did he just say? Come on, try and concentrate! This might be serious. But, just look at how those eyes sparkle, and the way his hair curls like that.....*

“.......and that’s why I need your help.”

*Uh oh* “Very interesting, but what if it doesn’t work?” I said, hoping he didn’t notice that I had no idea what his plan was. I had plenty of practice pretending I knew what people were talking about when in fact I didn’t, but he was a real pro, I was sure he recognized the bemused look on my face.

“Well, as it is now, the clones are being returned, it seems that their imperfections are far more noticeable than I had originally thought. Everyone is still demanding the ‘real thing’. That’s why I had hoped that you as a chemist could help me, to find out what’s wrong with the clones, and fix them, so that they won’t be returned anymore.”

Suddenly it was all clear to me. He wanted me to help him make the clones perfect, just as he was, so that he could have a respite from his quest to keep all the storyboard writers satisfied.

“After we’ve finished, are we going to tell them that they have a clone which has been chemically modified in your exact likeness?” I didn’t want to participate in any form of fraud, mind you, but was also more than willing to obey his every wish.

“Of course, the clones aren’t to be my replacements, they’re simply a substitute to help satisfy the needs of its owner until I get the chance to drop by in person for further, more complete gratification. Can you help me?”

*Further, more complete gratification? Concentrate now, I know you can do this!* “Yes, I think I know exactly what needs to be done. It won’t be easy, we’ll have to work day and night, months, perhaps even years.” *mental note, give the grad students a few weeks vacation, they’ve been working hard, they deserve it*

“I’m afraid we don’t have that long, I was hoping to have this resolved within a few days.”

“Well, then I guess we’d better get started. I’ll need to collect samples from you and one of the clones. And I’ll have to run a series of experiments on him, do you have one available for me to use?”

“Yes, he’s down in the car, let me call him.” He took the phone out of his pocket, dialed, and then said, “Nine-thirty-nine, come to room 524.” A pause, then, “What? A crowd has gathered? Well, do whatever you have to, just get here!” Another pause, then, “No, don’t use the gun, try the patented blank stare.” He closed the phone with a sigh, and placed it back inside his pocket.

*Uh oh, this was going to take longer than expected.*

The experiments ran very smoothly, it didn’t take long before we figured out that what the clones were missing was that aura, the true essence of what made him so irresistible to his formidable female following. We simply needed to extract a little bit of it from him, produce it in large quantities, and treat all the clones. Then they’d be as close to perfection as humanly possible.

“How can I ever repay you for helping me? I owe you so much, perhaps you’ll accept my invitation to go dancing one evening?”

“Of course, that would be very nice. But there is one more thing you could do for me,” I said. “How about letting me do some more experiments with that compound we discovered?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Well, I’m wondering what the effect of your aura would be on another guy.”

“We must be very careful. We’re treading into unchartered territory here. The consequences might be disastrous.” I so admired his humility.

“You’re right, I was just thinking that you’re being so perfect just isn’t fair to them, I was only trying to help as best I could.” He so admired my sense of duty. Thoughts of the early retirement were soon extinguished - the patent rights could have me made a bundle.

With that he left, but not after showing his true appreciation for my effort, and promised to return soon.

*mental note, sign up for tango lessons*

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