Last night I was lying in bed, snugly ensconced by my three Scoo dogs. Hey, don't laugh, at least two of them are male, and they're the best bed partners any woman could ever have! Anyway, the last thing I remember is reading a Danielle Steel "I wanna get pumped hard but I'm too delicate to say it" romance novel and then I fell asleep. Why is it that everytime I read those things I think about that public service message where they fry the egg and say "this is your brain on drugs?" (Probably because that's how my mind feels after reading those dang trashy books. )

Then suddenly, I awoke and found myself on a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. There I was, all gorgeous, tied up to the mast of the ship, long golden blonde waist length hair flowing in the breeze, bountiful bosom heaving up and down (thank God I had on my 38DD Wonder Bra, tiny waist (thank God I had on my super heavy duty Platex corset). But what is this, there are tears in my beautiful green eyes!

Then I see them - a pack of dirty, drunken, lecherous pirates circled around me like a bunch of hormonally challenged teenaged boys at a strip show.

"Oh, Lord," I cry towards the heavens, "don't let these h---- beasts gang bang me and sully my hermetically sealed, maidenly virtue."

"What? My inner voice cried out? Can it be that she's a born again virgin? Where's the exit, I think I'm in the wrong dream sequence." I tried to bang my head hard against the wall to awaken myself from this nightmare, but to no avail.

The slimy beasts started pawing at me. One of them ripped my bodice so that my heaving bosom was almost entirely exposed.

That inner voice kept bugging me, "Damn, good thing I put on a bra this morning." Oh shut up, I said, to self, let's finish this dream so I can get back to my dogs.

Then I heard a voice cry out from the galley "My name is Michael, I'm here to save your virtue, fair maiden."

My inner voice cried out, "What a sucker, if he thinks she has any virtue left, he hasn't been reading the restroom walls lately." Oh, shut up, I said to self, faking it is something I've had lots of practice at.

Suddenly, I saw this handsome young, for lack of a better word, STUD come bounding up the steps of the galley below and onto the deck. My starving eyes were feasting on his succulent flesh, the long, reddish curls, the large green eyes, and full, luscious lips.

"Holy, moly," my inner voice cried out, "just look at that GIANT metal codpiece this dude has on." Oh, shut up, I said to self, is that ALL you ever think about? Get your mind out of the gutter for a change. Let's finish this damn dream and get back to the dogs.

This god of male pulchritude pulled his sword out of it's sheath.

"And what a BIG sheath it is, too" my inner voice cried out. Shut up, I said to self, I want to get to the NC-17 part...

And then he beheaded everyone of those nasty pirates and my virtue was saved! My inner self cried out, "We'll just have to pretend big time on this one." Ok, I said to self, this one is too good to lose.

"My name is Michael," he said. I've come to ask for your hand in marriage."

"Marriage?" my inner voice cried out. "Thank you Lord, I thought I was going to die an old maid for life!" You did good honey, I said to self, it pays to wait for Mr. Right.

He bounded over to me lovingly and gave me a Big Wet One.

"Untie my ropes," I cried out, "I'll be your love slave for life."

"Let's have some fun and leave those ropes on a little longer," the Stud said, "I've got some BIG plans right NOW for you, Scoo."

Oh, damn, then I woke up. Well, at least I've got the Scoo dogs.

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