I'm never one for American Television; it can destroy the brain cells and things like that. French television is something much more liberal and more suited to my tastes. Yet, sometimes, when I finally got a good place to lay back and put up my front, I'd catch some American Television.

It had always been a treat to get some of the shows now and then when I was a child. I guess that is why, even though I never truly like the crappy shows with the track laughter, I still try to grab some now and then. I remember as a child getting to watch the Brady Bunch, not a show that I would willingly get American Television for. Then, one time, when I was staying with some loan shark years ago, I caught NYPD Blue, and couldn't believe the American censors.

They showed someone's hinny!

It was a major motivation factor for me to try to see more American Television, to see what else those Americans were getting away with now. Yet, my stay in that place was limited when the man's daughter was too hot. Her young and lanky body called to me, along with her finger as she rolled it towards her. I barely got out of there with my balls still.

Either way, I went a long time without having luck. In fact, for a while, I think I was hiding, jumping from bar to bar, glad to find a woman to go home with now and then. Well, truth be told, a new one each night, just so I didn't have to go to a shelter. The homeless always liked to touch my leather coat and that is a big no-no.

So, it was sometime before I made it to another good place in my life to catch some of the boob tube. Now that is a nickname I like. Boob tube, makes me think of Pamela Anderson, all squeezed into the orange Baywatch bathing suit and standing so they point right towards your eyes. Now THAT was a reason to watch American Television. Too bad she had to go and deflate herself. I mean, I appreciated them and I know if she knew me, she would have known that I liked every curving inch of her....

Well, I did make it back to the American Television a couple years back. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I landed in a plush hotel with anything your heart could desire and it took me some time before I needed to flick the switch onto the television. First I raided the mini-bar. I wasn't paying so I chowed down on the tiny expensive nuts and the little bottles of fine liquor.

Maybe that is what made the American Television appear really good. I normally don't like to watch for hours upon end, but I had nothing else to do. No lady folks were going to be coming in, I was sort of grounded and being watched. But, I had a nice warm bed and a fluffy pillow to lay back in.

I also had a nice terry cloth bathrobe.

So I stumbled upon some science based channel as all other stations had sports on. And I don't watch spots when I can't bet... and my situation wouldn't allow a call or two to my bookie... if you can catch my drift.

I was stuck watching this station, nothing else was on. Even the French television was disappointing and of course I couldn't get the nudie channels, so I was stuck with nature. I was just waiting to see what I saw and knew that I would probably be stuck with an eight-hour show on the mating habits of ants or something like that.

But this show came on, that didn't seem like that much educational at all. It even had a neat theme song and I was shocked. It was called MacGuyver and I had never heard of it. And they were showing it marathon style. I didn't know if that was good or bad.

Yet, I kind of liked the show. Now that I think back... that main character dude was older than the dark angle that my Nikita is crazy about, but he does remind me of this MacGuyver man. He does the impossible and he never gets the woman.

That is Michael.

It was fun watching everything that MacGuyver did. He was a smart man and I tried to do some of the things, and I just didn't get it right. I mean, the last time I was stuck in the back of the van, I started to pull at wires and all that fun stuff and nothing worked. The door didn't pop open and the door didn't explode. If anything, I was more tied up than that.

The only thing that saved me was Michael and Nikita, to my rescue. I didn't know how they knew where I was, and I could tell that neither of them were happy to be finding and saving me, but I loved them to death for that, until Nikita violently pulled the duct tape off of my mouth and made an area on my face that I didn't have to shave for weeks afterwards.

Either way, back to the show...It was interesting, even if it didn't teach me anything of practical use. And some of the people were cool. There was this one lady that I always thought that MacGuyver should have hooked up with, Penny Parker. Once, I tried to imagine Nikita in that rule, but it just didn't happen. Nikita was too smart for that airhead, but still, Nikita is a beauty that should be on television.

Penny Parker did some weird things and if anything she was like Nikita because she was always getting into trouble and MacGuyver was always pulling her out of trouble. I have serious ideas about this show now. I'm sure that someone inside of Section wrote this. I mean, only in Section does one have problems arise day in and day out like this MacGuyver did. I mean, who would ever believe that there was a real business named the Phoenix Foundation that would hire this MacGuyver just to get into trouble.

He had to have been an operative.

But the man I liked most on this show was MacGuyver's friend Jack Dalton. The man was great and I have tried to model myself like him. Of course, I'll never go and fly a plane. My feet weren't ever meant to be pulled off the ground more than what Michael could lift me up in the air when he is mad at me. Mick stays on the ground.

Jack Dalton was the best. The ultimate man of plans and he even had some ladies. I'm sure if we met I could give him hints on the ladies, but I think the man never did honest work. How I want that job! Never having to do anything is perfect for me. I don't think I could mess that up, as Nikita declares I do.

He should be a model for all men that only want to have the fine wealths of life and pleasures of women. He is a man that showed me more of who I could be and that I need friends to be there whenever a little trouble comes along.

Sometimes, when I'm running a scam or something, I think about, what would Jack Dalton do. Sometimes when I'm caught, like the time I was spending the night handcuffed in the whorehouse, I think about my friends and wonder when they are coming.

You know when you've made an impact on someone, when you suddenly realize that your life is just like Jack Dalton's life. I mean, I was sitting in that closet, very uncomfortable about what was going on and the sounds I was being forced into listening too. I mean, I guess there were worse things that I could have had to listen too. It wasn't torture or anything, but it was torture for me, the moans and groans... either way, when the door swung open and Nikita stood there in almost nothing, I think it was a teddy from Victoria Secrets, since she likes that American stuff, I thought I was in heaven. Then I knew that I had become Jack Dalton. My friends saved me and gave me the ability to scam another day.

And this show hooked me on American Television. I loved that show and loved science. Me, Mick, like science? I know, it's weird, but when you can cause explosions, you've got to love science! I mean, I'll always leave the heavy-duty stuff to the experts like Michael and maybe even Walter, but I am now a man of science and education.

Who knew that Mick would watch and entire weekend marathon of MacGuyver on the science station and learn to love and appreciate the educational systems in the United States of America. At the end, I started to hum the theme song and I cried, as MacGuyver had to leave his friends, especially Jack. He went off with his son somewhere, on motorcycles.

Still now, I get choked up on that ending. It was so sweet.

And now, I want my MTV. I want my NBC. I want my TNT. I want my A&E. I want USA.

American Television is all that I want to watch day in and day out whenever I can't have a lady or two over. It's a bad fetish to have and I have tried to break free from it. Whenever I try one of the Macguyverisms that was on the show and it doesn't work, I try to swear of American Television.

But I fail.

I start to worry about Chandler and Monica. I worry about Carol Hathaway's twins and wonder if Dr. Doug Ross will be there for their birth. I worry about if Ally McBeal will get her man. And I can't wait to see which man on NYPD Blue will be naked next.

I'm addicted to American Television and I have only one thing left to say about it.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

~~Nikita507@aol.com

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