Michael's Journal: Straddling The Fence
Spoilers for "Brainwash"
By KT
Copyright March 21, 2003

21 Mars

It has been one compromise after another since Nikita became my material. Not telling her the whole truth... does that qualify as lying? Why do I feel the need to protect her? Why do I wish I didn't have to lie to her constantly? Why does she insist on holding on to her innocence in spite of what is happening to her?

Never had to lie to both sides before. First to Operations, when he wanted to cancel her after the first two years. Then the VanVactor mission. I thought kissing her during the Bauer mission was life-changing. But watching her make her first kill... no comparison. I found it astounding that she thought me worth saving. She is always so angry with me, and makes her hate of the Section obvious to me at every opportunity.

This latest development, the acquisition of the phasing shell, and the suicide of suspect Coleman Riley, has put the Section on full alert. It appears that the Chinese premier is to be assassinated, and that the perpetrators have tried to insure their absolute success by creating more than one assassin: if one fails, the next takes his place.

Visited Nikita's apartment after her session in the shell. Why couldn't they have chosen someone else to be their lab rat? She said she was fine, but the sweat that covered her face and the fear behind her eyes and her nervous smile made it obvious to me that she has been affected. I'll have to keep an even closer watch on her. I had a bad feeling about it from the start.

Thanks to Walter, I am the only one who knows that Nikita used the phasing shell twice.

Now I've had to lie to Madeline about possible compromise of the mission. Hope I was successful. She knows me well. It was almost like truth in the sense that without actual evidence, Madeline would be more upset that her time was being wasted in speculation. Lying to Madeline is always dangerous, and failure of this mission is not an option. I am responsible.

Nikita's displays of raw emotion have endeared her to Walter and Birkoff, but have merely alternately amused and irritated Operations and Madeline. They continue to view her as disposable collateral. She could become abeyance material at any time. There is only so much I can do. Once again, Nikita's rebellious nature has put both of us at risk.

On the home front, Elena is happily preoccupied with Adam, and I am relieved to have some of the pressure taken off of me. He is beautiful. It made me sick that Elena was allowed to have this baby, but Simone had to abort hers twice. It took an emotional toll on her that she refused to admit to herself or to me. With her gone, I can do nothing except cherish what memories I have. If it weren't for Nikita, I would have buried them forever.

Why has Nikita become my one friend in the world?

Life becomes ever more disturbing.

* * * * * * * *

22 Mars

My second visit to Nikita's apartment is more disturbing than the first. She wouldn't let me in. I had to break the door down. My feelings of foreboding are even stronger than they were.

I was angry with her for getting back into the phasing shell unsupervised. Walter told me that her reaction looked like a drug addict right after shooting up. If that's true, then she is in real trouble. As I paced through her kitchen, Operations words ran through my mind a hundred times: "If she fails, you fail."

Yet what can he do to me? I am the most valuable operative he has, out-performing all others in every area. He would be cutting his own throat if he cancelled me, or even demoted me, and he knows that I know that.

I approached Nikita in anger, but when she lifted her face to me, pleading to get into the shell one more time, her tears and intense distress calmed me at once. I spoke to her gently, knowing that my anger would serve no purpose. She didn't respond immediately, continuing with her pleading, so I slapped her to bring her around. I grabbed her shoulders and told her that there could be no respite from the mission.

When she looked at me, something broke free. Wanting to undo the violence of the slap, I took her face in my hands, touching her in a personal way for the third time since I've known her... in a way that had nothing to do with a mission, or forced manipulation, or orders from the top.

Her hair was wet, but soft as I pushed it back from her face, and the moisture from her tears was like a veil on the skin of her face. She was barely breathing. Our faces were so close we could have kissed, and the warmth of her under my hands and her helplessness against the power of the shell's programming had an effect I had foreseen and feared. I knew I would continue to do whatever it took to keep her from failing...

After I released her and she left to shower and get dressed, I sat in her apartment, listening to the water running, imagining each drop as it flowed over her body, my eyes closed, breathing carefully. There is something primal between us that can never be destroyed. Then I blocked out my thoughts and returned my focus to the mission.

Nikita emerged from her bedroom ten minutes later looking completely herself, almost as if nothing had happened. I felt great relief, and escorted her out. She gave me a small smile, but her eyes were serious. Makeup hid their swollen lids. The ride back to Section was in silence, but as I parked the car, she reached her hand across the seat, and I covered it with mine for a moment of reassurance. Our eyes locked, then the moment passed.

We're on close quarters standby. The briefing is over, and we await our transport.

It's going to be a long night.

* * * * * * * *

23 Mars

Tenderness. Fear. Two emotions I thought had died in me forever. Both brought back to life by two beings in my life who cannot be ignored: Adam and Nikita, each helpless in their own way.

Holding my son, my heart fills until I think it will burst. His life depends on me. Elena... lying to her all the time makes my guilt grow steadily. Yet I come to her gently, because she herself is gentle. I fear for the day the mission ends.

Nikita... the times I've touched her freely... in Medical after the Wickes mission, as she lay beaten and bruised... kissing her after the war with Red Cell, unsconscious, her body ravaged by gunshot... both times she was rendered helpless, victim of the Section. I hoped, in a way, that my touch would only be felt through her haze of injury and medication... that she wouldn't remember it clearly, that I could somehow undo all the lies...

The Crystal Sky mission... I thanked God that I was able to prevent her from carrying out the assassination of the Chinese premier. I prayed with every step, watching the gun trembling in her hand, that she would not kill me first. Her eyes were filled with terror and confusion, and I couldn't look away as they glittered and hardened with her rough words.

When she collapsed in my arms, crying and bewildered, I could only hold her close to prevent her from falling. I took the gun from her hand and slipped it into my pocket, all the while breathing in the scent of her hair, inwardly assessing the sensation of her body against mine. As first team secured the perimeter, Nikita fainted. Her legs gave way, and I scooped her up and carried her to the van.

She drifted in and out of consciousness during our return to Section, but was able to walk by the time we arrived. She exited the van with the rest of the team, very quiet and self-contained. Madeline was waiting, and I was relieved when she excused the team from the debrief. I finished as quickly as possible, and told Madeline that Nikita was compromised and would need special attention. She agreed to let me oversee it, since Nikita is still my material.

I hurried to the test lab, but was too late. Nikita had already arrived and begun to revert, and I heard the breaking of glass. I stepped through the door just in time to see the last of her angry blows to the phasing shell, shattering it completely. She regressed quickly, totally, sobbing and shaking. I approached slowly, took her hand, and led her out of the lab to Medical. The psych spec ops team was waiting. They'll get her through this.

I remain in Section until I know when she is going to be released.

* * * * * * * *

24 Mars

It's late, but I can't sleep. Nothing new about that. My laptop stares back at me and the click of the keys seems to echo in this otherwise silent space.

Nikita was released from Medical this afternoon. I am on forty-eight hours downtime in order to follow up on her recovery period. Dr. Watkins was honest with me, reserved... somewhat guarded about Nikita's response to the debriefing procedures. He warned me that this will take an undetermined number of hours to resolve, and advised me not to leave Nikita alone.

She's heavily sedated. Section medics transported her to her apartment, and put her into bed. I am recording her vital signs every four hours, and on a suicide watch as well. The doctor's briefing emphasized that the highest risk will be within the first twenty-four-hour period. After that, as the sedatives are reduced, she'll likely continue to be distressed, but not suicidal.

I sit, alone with Nikita in her "home". I must admit to being somewhat uncomfortable.

Mystery surrounds me: the string of odd colorful sunglasses, an aquarium barely half full of water containing no living creatures, only plastic inflated miniature fish, lots of CDs but very few books, no evidence of an interest in the finer arts. I can only surmise that she has had very little exposure to such things in her past life. So very different from Simone... and Elena...

But for all her lack of formal education, Nikita is smart, quick to grasp and memorize mission profiles. She may eventually be able to provide tactical oversight. She has begun studying Italian and German, and has shown great aptitude. So much potential. I can't imagine what she might have become if she'd had the motivation. Instead of trying to move up, she seemed content to live on the streets.

She remains a paradoxical personality in my mind. She is always at war with everyone and everything. Acceptance is so difficult for her. I used to be like that. I'm trying to remember when I changed. More importantly, I need to remember why I changed.

Nikita moves me toward self-examination. I can't decide whether to be angry or thankful.

* * * * * * * *

25 Mars - early morning

A difficult night. While monitoring Nikita's vitals, she appeared to awaken, eyes wide open, staring in terror at an unseen enemy. She cried noiselessly, gasping every few seconds, tears flowing sideways, until she could no longer breathe. She was choking... had to use a syringe to clear her nasal passages and throat.

She raised her arms as if to fend off an attacker. I grasped her hands, threading my fingers through hers and held tight for several minutes. Her grip was like a vise. She screamed, then passed out. The marks are still on the backs of my hands, like brands burned into my flesh.

I took up my vigil next to her bed. Her gown and bedsheets were dampened with sweat. She started to shiver as her body cooled. Carefully I roused her just enough to attend to her needs. Her pale skin was chilled, and I removed her nightgown and wrapped her in a terrycloth robe I found in the bathroom. I changed the sheets by turning her from side to side.

As her body warmed, she began to relax and drifted in and out of sleep. At one point, she did actually wake. I heard my name as if in a dream, uttered so softly I thought I might have imagined it. She turned her head and stared into the semi-darkness, the pale blue of her eyes intent on verifying my presence. Her expression reminded me of Adam's, innocent, frightened, and trusting all at once... I laid my hand over the side of her face... Her eyelids fluttered, then slowly closed... She slept again.

My thoughts are in turmoil. If Crystal Sky could develop such a thing as the phasing shell, why couldn't Section? It would be dangerous, to say the least. Our operatives are well-trained. We motivate them with fear of cancellation, but we don't tamper with their brain waves. I've heard rumors of genetic experimentation both by the Section and our enemies, hoping to create operatives who would be superior both physically and intellectually.

The war between terrorists and anti-terrorists would become... I dread to imagine. Nikita is the perfect example of how well the technique works. She has a certain naïveté, a blind side, so to speak, the one that follows orders up until the point of death. Then her survival instincts, which are considerable, take over. The only difference between her and those we seek to destroy, is that they will carry out their mission even if it kills them. Their passion is of a different sort.

The worst part of this incident with the phasing shell is that Nikita's survival instincts were over-ridden by the programming. She would have died in order to carry out her mission. Madeline and Operations would call that the perfect operative. I call it suicide.

* * * * * * * *

26 Mars - very early morning

This watch has turned into far more than I anticipated.

I had fallen into a light sleep... awakened by Nikita's soft crying. I reduced her sedative last night, according to the doctor's instructions. I remained quiet, listening... she is like my child... always the need to protect...

She cried for an hour, then I could not ignore her distress any longer. I took her hand, thinking to comfort her with physical contact, but felt her tug, trying to pull herself up to a sitting position. She reached out with her other hand and I took it as well. Then she sat up, holding on so tightly...

Her face crumbled as our eyes met, and I gathered her up, sheet and all, and walked around the apartment. Her arms were around my neck, her head resting on my shoulder, tears soaking my shirt... I stroked her hair like a baby, until her crying settled into occasional sobs. I sat on the bed, holding her until she stopped crying altogether. Her breathing became so quiet, I thought she slept, but then she spoke, her voice rough and soft.

"What will they do to me?"

Honesty seemed best. "I don't know."

"Will they cancel me?"

"I don't think so."

"I'm not afraid to die."

"Nor am I."

She lifted her head off my shoulder and looked at me, lucid at last, realizing she was sitting in my lap. She sighed, then carefully tried to stand. I held on to her until she had her balance, and she wrapped the sheet more closely around her. I stood, facing her, feeling very grave. Our eyes engaged, and a sharp twinge rose in my gut as I steeled myself against the confrontationon I knew was coming.

"Why did you let me go on the mission?"

"We didn't know that you had been so deeply affected by the phasing shell. Birkoff discovered your being compromised after it was too late."

"But you must have suspected something. I would have killed the premier. I wanted to." Her voice broke. "But... I... I don't remember what happened after that."

"I stopped you just as you began to shoot. You fainted." I reached down and took her hands in mine. "Do you recall anything else?"

"Nothing until you found me in the test lab. Are they angry with me for destroying the shell?"

"I believe they understand that you were acting on impulses you couldn't control. That's why they won't cancel you."

She was very quiet, her hands gripping mine, eyes wide and intense. "What if I... want to be cancelled?"

I wasn't ready for that.

How can I motivate her to continue? Nothing I've tried so far has really succeeded. Any other material I would have let die on a mission. But Nikita is different. Her natural compassion is so deeply ingrained in her personality that it took something like the phasing shell to counteract it. And it came so very close to doing so!

All I could do was put my arms around her. I could feel her succumb to her fatigue as she pressed her face to my shoulder.

"Is that what you really want?"

"Sometimes, I think I do. Then other times..."

In the silence, we acknowledged the delicate thread that bound us together.

* * * * * * * *

26 Mars - afternoon

I think I understand now. Nikita is going through what every operative does during their first year out of training... contemplating self-destruction. Madeline probably already knows this. She should have informed me. It would help if I knew all the facts.

I'm not sure how I would feel if Nikita took her own life. She could easily let herself be killed on a mission. So why hasn't she done so?

Operations has wanted Nikita in abeyance since before the end of her training period. He has forced me to take up a position of defending her. This incident would be a good excuse for him to take the winning point. So why hasn't he done so?

Our orders have come. We return to Section within the hour. Nikita will be on probationary status temporarily.

There are so many questions unanswered... and the most important one: Why do I care?

* * * * * * * *

FIN for this segment