Michael's Journal - 1

By KT

Copyright September 22, 2001

(Spoilers for Mercy, Hard Landing, Spec Ops, Third Person, and Approaching Zero. Disclaimer: these characters, and events depicted are the property of the writers of LFN.)

Friday 3 August

Fear and loathing... an unbearable combination. Who am I? What am I?

When I first came to Section, I was young... angry, passionate, idealistic... I cared not whether I lived or died. It was right, it was just that I should be imprisoned. I punished myself more severely than Section ever could. I vowed I would pay for my crime, no matter what the cost. Constant danger and the edge of mortality were my partners, and I flippantly put myself in jeopardy every time I went out on a mission.

I succeeded where all others failed, with my unorthodox approach... exactly like... Nikita... the bright mirror of my former self that I am forced to look into every day. She is my constant reminder of who I was.

When she destroyed the success of her first live mission, she made me regret my rebuff of Operations when he told me to cancel her, that she "lacked discipline". I bitterly remanded her that "failure was not an option", desperate to see her stay alive, denying forcefully that she had burrowed under my skin, rejecting angrily that she had unwittingly tunneled her way into my heart.

But in the end, I am the one who has failed... failed to remain true to myself... failed to put my humanity above all else. So much arrogance... so little emotion... running on empty with an endless supply of fuel.

I did what I had to do to survive... and paid the dearest price of all: I lost my own soul.

That fathomless darkness sustained me until the day that Nikita awoke in the interrogation room. Her anger disturbed me, her raw beauty threw me off balance, her intensity engulfed me... when she attacked me and I pinned her to the floor, her eyes shooting hatred into mine, her skin sparking under my touch, the shock that went through me like an earthquake, in that instant, everything changed forever.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 2

Saturday 15 September

The years following Simone's "death" at the hands of Glass Curtain are a blur. All I know is that my inner being lay dormant, like Juliet's after she swallowed the poison, waiting for her lover to come and rescue her.

Nikita rescued me and she didn't even know she was doing it. I didn't even know she was doing it until the disastrous events of the second Glass Curtain encounter. The feeling of helplessness, the finality of knowing that Simone, of her own choosing, was trapped, was second only to the feeling of helplessness at the conclusion of the Shays mission. Not knowing for certain whether or not Nikita had escaped ranks as Number One.

Sitting in the van that night, I fought the wave of nausea rising in my gut. My guilt could be measured by the stunned look in Birkoff's eyes, and the pure disgust and knowing resignation in Walter's glare, withering my heart like wildfire as I trained my gun on him, my world exploding with the building outside and the glorious being it contained. Nikita!... My heart had never cried out so loudly and so silently. I knew living death yet again, only this time, I couldn't deny that the threads of her life had imperceptibly woven themselves into mine, tangling and tightening around my heart.

I never knew what it was like to need someone so much. I loved Simone, but I never needed her. I never loved or needed Elena, but Adam is an indisputable fact, and for him I would give my life. But living without Nikita those six months when she was on the outside... the pages of my journal remained empty, like my heart.

My recklessness returned with a vengeance, and I didn't care who I took down with me. I wasn't really surprised when Paul and Madeline put Ackerman in charge of the Bangkok mission. What did surprise me was Madeline's gentle but menacing advice: "You can't bring her back, Michael. Stop trying." There could be no mistaking the underlying meaning in her statement. I, too, was expendable.

Lyons... the word is synonymous with birth... my heart pounding with anticipation, the blood coursing through my veins, every nerve in my body tingling with feeling, the first involuntary gasp of life-giving air after leaving the womb, the pain of transition... that is what it was like to make love to Nikita after all that has happened between us...

We've run the gamut of emotions... hate, anger, resentment... we've survived the gauntlet that Section had laid out for us... trust, betrayal, trust, betrayal... we've lied to each other and ourselves again and again. It was beyond pleasure, beyond imagination, to spend twelve hours together... without any walls... without any wiles... naked as newborns, with only truth and love between us.

I knew then that there would never be any way out for either of us. We are two and we are one. For always. My heart knows no other home... nor does it want to. I haven't the strength or the desire to fight it any more.

Bringing Nikita back into Section, the most purely selfish act I have ever committed, was the only way I could save myself. Only afterward did I discern what Operations and Madeline had in mind. Bringing in Jurgen to evaluate and retrain Nikita could mean only one thing: they had decided to take him down once and for all. And they meant for me to be their instrument of destruction. Once again, Nikita was the sacrifice. And this time, so was I.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 3

Saturday 22 September

Regret... regression... resignation... the agony of this week has been... indescribable. Seeing Nikita in Medical after beating her brought me so much pain. I wanted to hold her in my arms and let our magic do the rest. At least I have some personal comfort in knowing that I told her the truth: all I have of her is my dreams. They are the only things I can have until the Vachek mission is completed.

In my dreams I tell her everything. And she understands. And accepts. And loves me. Without condition.

Half of me is the man without mental or physical restraint, the one who made love so freely and deeply (would that I could have made time stop that night we spent together!), and the other half is the man who Section has forged from the base metal of my guilt. Before I met Nikita, I only hoped that my soul would burn in Hell for my transgressions. But now that her being is a part of my every fiber, I relent, and hope that my soul can be redeemed by my love for her.

As for patience, that is something that Nikita will have to learn.

I could not have anticipated just how difficult it would be for us to return to Section. Nikita, of course, has naturally moved forward, thinking that we can have a relationship outside Section, and I, with the directive from Operations, have had to move backward. Madeline, I know, sees this as the perfect opportunity to use Nikita's capacity for compassion for those she believes to be unjustly under attack to form a connection with Jurgen.

This mission to liberate Section from under Jurgen's thumb has been designed to serve a double purpose: to solve their problem and to break Nikita's trust permanently. I believe that Madeline thinks she can manipulate her more fully, now that she and Paul are under the impression that Nikita has survived the Freedom League detention.

It's still about power... Operations, Madeline, me... Jurgen and Nikita are just bit players in the play within the play. Even Walter and Birkoff will have their parts, mere walk-ons, compared to mine.

God, I've simply got to get some sleep.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 4

Sunday 23 September

I must admit that I wish that Jurgen hadn't chosen to hold the Section hostage. He has been a good friend in the past, but this end game of his put a wedge between us that I don't think can be removed. I know that he will be able to discover the ruse of Nikita's Freedom League experience. He's smart, but not as smart as Operations or myself, or Madeline.

More immediately, I have had to keep myself distanced from my love, and she is hurt and angry. I have already suggested to her that it's too dangerous for us to see each other. I tried to soften my response to her advances by telling her that we'd have to be careful. She didn't care, and neither do I, but the possibility of her being cancelled after all that I've done to bring her in and keep her safe, could still be beyond my control. It is a chance I am unwilling to take.

* * * * * * * *

They are putting me to the test. The mission profile calls for Nikita to act, without her knowledge, as a Valentine op, with me monitoring her and her every communication with Jurgen. Before Lyons, I was able to maintain my emotional distance from Nikita. But now that will be impossible. I am to push her into a relationship with Jurgen. I'm not sure I can do it.

I feel like someone is choking me, strangling me, squeezing my heart...

Nikita's predictability makes her a pawn, and I am powerless to interfere. I've become too good at hiding my feelings. In this instance, it will save her life. She will play into the script perfectly, and there will be no going back. The mission will succeed, and our hearts will be broken... hopefully, not beyond repair. I will have to prepare myself for this.

* * * * * * * *

Even the calm and refuge of my "family" has not been able to quell my fears. When I look into Elena's eyes, I see my blank expression staring back at me. My face smiles, but my eyes do not. My touch is cold, my joy contained, my heart sick. Adam knows when I'm not myself. It is his face I dread, his imploring look trying to read the reflection of my sorrow.

This dilemma is tearing me apart. I can, I must maintain, for the sake of all concerned.

Protect, protect, protect the innocent... Nikita is right about that.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 5

Monday 24 September

I can think of only one way to save Nikita from this emotional entanglement with Jurgen. Get her out of Section. It was a mistake to bring her back in. I won't be able to go with her, but it's still better than having her lose herself to Section completely. As of now, there is still enough of her goodness and innocence left in her to allow her to try again to make a new life for herself on the outside. If she stays, she will eventually have all the fight and spark and fierce enthusiasm that she has for life beaten out of her, slowly but surely.

If they cancel her, then I don't think I will want to live without her, but there is Adam to consider now. How ironic that I would have to remain alive for him and not have Nikita by my side. I have done the best I could for him, considering how much time I spend away from "home". He deserves better, but that does not change the fact that I am his father. More guilt... such a powerful force.

Even considering suicide goes against all that Nikita has stood for and all that she has inspired in me. Another irony... I have so much strength to do all that Section asks me to do, but not the strength to spend every day of my life without being able to touch her, kiss her, make love to her, do the everyday things that lovers do...

The uncertainty of staying alive from day to day, mission to mission, has never bothered me before. Now it is constantly in my thoughts... Being the best and doing my best has kept me alive in body, but not in spirit. I never cared whether I or my teams lived or died, as long as the job got done. Now I look after the safety of my teams whenever possible. Now that my spirit has been reborn, I am reluctant to leave this Earth so long as Nikita is on it, so I will survive and fight with the new resolve that she has instilled in me.

* * * * * * * *

Tuesday 25 September

The heat is on... Nikita is in retrain and is not coming up to speed as quickly as I had hoped. Operations is in a snit because I destroyed the Freedom League computer, and very nearly killed Kudrun on the Hong Kong mission. This situation is distracting me to the point of causing carelessness and a poor p.o.s. rate for my missions. I thought I had this under control... but her fear has become my fear.

Both Madeline and Jurgen are baiting me constantly, and I have had to keep my feelings even more carefully hidden than usual. Jurgen wants Madeline to extract information about Nikita from Kudrun. I have thought of a way to get Kudrun to lie to Madeline... I'm just not sure if she will believe him... her instincts are always impeccable.

I now have a plan to get Nikita out of Section. Her chances of surviving would not be nearly as good this time as before, when they thought her dead. She'd be out, but what kind of life could she have this time? She would be constantly looking over her shoulder... she might even have to undergo some kind of plastic surgery to alter her appearance enough to escape visual detection. I've arranged with Walter to have her cesium clock removed if she consents to my plan.

One good thing has come of Nikita's return to Section - my relationships with Walter and Birkoff have taken on a renewed trust. They haven't said so in so many words, but each of them has shown me forgiveness in subtle ways that have indicated that they believe that I helped Nikita escape that terrible night. Small comfort, but comfort nevertheless.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 6

Wednesday 26 September

Can't sleep... again. I dared not go home tonight, dared not look into Elena's eyes...

My renewed spirit is filled with Nikita's words, echoing in my mind like a continual mantra: "I came back for you... for us to be together." The intensity of her passion has pierced my very soul, the one I had lost, the one which she gifted back to me the night we made love: "I'd be willing to die, if I could live, really live, for just one day..." Her fingers burned me through my clothing as my mind silently answered hers: so would I.

I stood before her, my hands clenched to prevent me from touching her, caressing her with my eyes before turning my head away from her kiss. I thought I was ready for our encounter, but the hurt look on her face when I rejected her advances was unbearable.

Still, I did what I had to do to protect her. "Get over it." As I recited the brutal line I had rehearsed as the means to hold her at arm's length, her anger hit me like a blow to the gut. I can deal with anything except Nikita's anger. It has always affected me to some degree, but never so deeply as now.

Later, when she refused my offer to get her out of Section, I had an unnerving moment of trepidation... something in her has changed. She mocked me, accused me, lashed out: "You can do anything, can't you?... except be with me". She actually told me off, said I could "go to hell" and that she would not run again. I had hoped that she would value her freedom more than her desire.

At that moment, I had to resign myself to the reality of the profile. My heart sank as I spoke the words that would distance us from each other even more. I told her that I would deal with Kudrun, and that she would have to do "whatever it takes" to handle Jurgen. Kudrun must die, and in a way that is undetectable. Walter has promised to provide me with the means.

Jurgen will fall under Nikita's spell. How could he not? I have been authorized to alter his personal history in any way that will further the mission. More lies... more deceit... Nikita will find out eventually and the rift between us will grow wider. Perhaps it's better this way. It's easier for me to deny her when she's hurt and angry, easier for me to concentrate on the Vachek situation, easier for me to...

I am in mourning for the passing of the love and truth we shared for one night. I must put that night away along with my other memories of Nikita that I keep where no one can get to them.

* * * * * * * *

It's done. Kudrun is dead. Madeline believes that Nikita was a prisoner of the Freedom League. But I know that Jurgen knows the truth. He has lied to Operations about Nikita's torture. The reason is not yet clear, but I am loathe to interfere. There will be some other way to control Jurgen. I must simply wait.

The end game has begun. I overheard Nikita's conversation with Jurgen about the aftereffects of post-hypnotic regression. I tried to warn her about Jurgen's agenda, but she refused to listen. I had to turn away as her words left their bruises on my heart...

Why is she the only person in the world who can crush me with words?

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 7

Thursday 27 September

Watching...

Me watching Jurgen... watching me watching Nikita... watching me... Her eyes express everything I want her to keep him from seeing, and see he does, as do I. I see the hope change into pain every time I turn away from her.

So much has happened in such a short time. I advised Nikita to accelerate her performance in order to get her back on full status. Operations let her join my team and her execution was perfect. She killed without hesitation, swiftly, coldly. I suspected that something in her had changed. Now I know it has.

When she came to talk to me in Comm, she looked so beautiful, inviting me to come visit her. I played my role to the letter, telling her I was busy, watching her leave with Jurgen, monitoring their conversation. Then I went off profile when it became evident that Jurgen wanted to question her about me... couldn't let that happen... called her in... berated her for being with him... for putting us further in jeopardy... that at least was honest.

Operations and Madeline made the best choice in having Nikita be the bait...

They're using us more than ever to control each other, and I freely admit that it is not a choice I would have made. But in this I am powerless. I love her, and nothing and no one can change that. When she asked me about the night we had together, my memories burned, my body ached, I could not speak...

Was it just a dream? Oh yes, Nikita... it was my dream... come true...

* * * * * * * *

Friday 28 September

Nikita has been reinstated to Level 2. The Pontriargan mission has placed the final wedge between me and Jurgen. The outcome destroyed most of his team, and his anger nearly made me break profile. He trained me when I first came to Section. He treated me fairly, and I never thanked him for that. We've always shared a mutual respect. But that is lost now.

We came to blows over this... and Nikita... the beginning of the end.

Helix has been destroyed, the refinery taken out. I have absolved myself a bit by saving Jurgen's life. It was tempting to let him perish in the explosion, to let this whole problem be solved by an easily explainable death. If his comm unit hadn't failed, he would have made it out on his own. As it was, I couldn't let that happen. I owe him that much. Perhaps my debt of thanks is paid now, and I can complete the mission without further reservation.

I just want it to be over with. The accusation in Nikita's eyes when she rejected my offer to join her for a meal... I have let "the other Michael" take on that pain. He is the one who must stand by and watch her go to him. He is the one who must hold her love safe in his heart, and his own as well.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 8

Saturday 29 September

Had a few hours down time... a beautiful day until I took a walk by the lake. They were there, sitting on a blanket, a picnic basket and a bottle of wine between them, laughing and talking as if they were old friends. I walked in the opposite direction as soon as I spotted them, and observed from across the water.

They held hands. She kissed him. He kissed her back. I felt... I don't quite know what I felt... It was like... drowning.

What right do I have to be so possessive of her? I never believed in love at first sight, or Fate, or whatever people want to call it... "soulmates"... yet my world crumbles at the sight of her touching another man, of a man touching her. Now that I know what it is to make love to her, now that I am both blessed and cursed by the knowledge of what truly lies between us, I struggle against what I can only describe as rage, as she betrays that exquisite night with every breath, every look...

This life we live that keeps us apart, my "marriage" and my son, and the daily possibility that neither of us might survive to see the next sunrise, is like a cancer that eats away at one's insides while a person feels nothing. And then, one day, it's too late...

It's laughable... almost. I know that I will be assigned Valentine missions, and that Nikita will be forced to observe and participate. So what right do I have to be jealous? I can't ask her to do what I myself cannot do.

* * * * * * * *

Sunday 30 September

Surveillance confirmed Jurgen's presence at Nikita's apartment. I know it wasn't necessary, but I paid them a visit to verify... a very awkward moment. I had a pang of regret, knowing that Nikita was most uncomfortable with my appearance, but Jurgen's startled posture more than made up for it. I want to keep Madeline convinced that I have no intention of interfering with the outcome of this mission, that I had nothing to do with Nikita's return to Section, that I have no vested interest, no personal reservation about her entering into a relationship with Jurgen.

If I could only convince myself.

As I shut the door behind me, I wanted to be cold... numb... stone...

Impossible.

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 9

Monday 1 October

Our brief trip to the North Sea yielded very little of the satellite material... the team functioned well, but things were strained during approach and retreat. Then Jurgen confronted me and Operations upon our return, in Nikita's presence, refusing to help with the post-mission analysis. I was surprised by this, but followed Operations lead and kept quiet. I could see the expectant look on Nikita's face, waiting for us to counter his excuse. She was clearly baffled when we let it pass. I knew that Ops was working the timetable established for this mission to disenfranchise Jurgen, but it was still humiliating to be defied in front of Nikita.

Watching them walk away together was difficult, but I was very nearly glad. It meant that I was able to confirm to Madeline that the mission was going according to profile without betraying my true feelings. Letting them use Nikita for whatever purpose is my one assurance that she will not be cancelled. As long as they believe that her return is of value to the Section, she will continue to live... and fill the void within me that only she can fill.

I can not bear to lose her again. Once was enough.

* * * * * * * *

Tuesday 2 October

I called my team in for briefing, and talked to Nikita alone. Before I could stop myself, I remarked about her not being home when I called. It wasn't in the script, but I wanted to hear her say where she was. I realized too late that I could not pursue this line of conversation within mission parameters, so I pulled back immediately.

She was casual at first about being "out to dinner", but became instantly defensive when I didn't react. Her defiance has always been a part of what attracts me to her. She challenges me, something that she does without really thinking about it, something that others rarely do... another part of the attraction.

I couldn't help myself as she stepped closer, taunting me, telling me to be jealous. Jealous, I am. I drank in her face, her mouth, her scent. I felt myself waver as her nearness undid me. She was close enough to kiss, eyes focused downward, breath warm against my face as she spoke... I had to close my eyes and get a grip on my reaction...

When I looked back at her, keeping my silence, I drove the final stake into the heart of this mission.

She believes that I don't care if she sees Jurgen.

I am saddened by how easy it was to convince her... and by how easily she was convinced. That she believes cuts more deeply than I could have imagined. It proves that she doesn't "see" me.

Will she ever?

* * * * * * * *

It's done. The faux mission designed to penetrate Jurgen's fortress, with Nikita as the human decoding device, worked exactly as planned. The timing was perfect. Walter was the unwitting pawn in Madeline's game, and I was the knowing one. He placed the wires and I removed all but one.

Seeing Nikita half dressed reminded me of the her very first mission for the Section... I couldn't keep my eyes off of her... it was easy with her back turned toward me. When I reached to remove her vest, I purposely kept my fingers from touching her skin. The memories of our night on the barge are still too raw...

As I sat listening to Nikita and Jurgen's conversation about me, I had the same sickening feeling that I had when I sent Nikita into the Shay's mission... the feeling of dying inside... of my life sands trickling away... of betraying this woman who becomes more precious to me with each day that passes.

I think I felt worse, actually, because this time I was an informed participant. Knowing that Madeline has now had her suspicions confirmed about Nikita and me having "something between us" - the phrase is quite the understatement - and that at any moment I would have to listen to them making love... just watching them kiss was... unbearable... for lack of a better word.

To hear Nikita say "it's over"... "for both of us"... I wanted to flee the room, glad that Madeline couldn't see my face. I didn't speak, for fear that my voice would somehow betray me, and sat... powerless...

Now I know how Nikita felt during the Fanning mission. I don't like it. But this is different. She actually has feelings for Jurgen, or rather thinks she has feelings. I had feelings for Lisa, but not in the sense of a lover... only that I felt sorry for her... her life was so unhappy, such a waste.

Madeline and Paul will now have the leverage they need to keep me confined to my present status. I have been considered to replace Paul if he moves up to Oversight. I have always hoped that they would be moved up together... that Nikita would be my second-in-command. Hard to predict what will happen in that area.

* * * * * * * *

Birkoff and I have deleted the damaging files from Jurgen's comupter. Jurgen and Nikita have been assigned a mission to keep them out of the way, and I have purposely avoided Nikita so as not to have to answer any of her questions. She was suspicious when the faux mission was aborted during egress, and I'd rather not have to face her right now.

In spite of all the deceit, I believe that this is the right thing to do. Jurgen cannot be allowed to continue to hold the Section hostage. He and Nikita are alike in so many ways. I hope that she will be able to forgive me when this is all over... but when she learns the truth...

* * * * * * * *

Michael's Journal - 10

I have not been able to get the images of Jurgen and Nikita together at his house out of my mind. I only remain thankful that Birkoff was able to get sync before they... had sex. I cannot call it making love. I believe I know Nikita better than that. She was doing it in retaliation for my "rejection"... but that knowledge doesn't take away the hurt.

Then, after her mission with Jurgen, when she stormed into Section... obvious only to Madeline, Operations, and me, she must have been with Jurgen after he discovered the deletion of the files. In spite of Madeline's instructions, I stopped listening to their conversations after Birkoff and I completed the mission. I decided that I didn't want to hear whatever they had to say to each other.

Nikita's silent request to speak to me was as plain as if she had stated it out loud. I do treasure our ability to communicate without words. It is the one way that we can be intimate in public.

But in my office, the anger... no, fury on her face, the bitter accusation in her eyes, made me decide to tell her absolute truth. She deserved it. When she asked me directly about how I could have done this to her, I could not answer without appearing weak. If Nikita believes that I am weak, then our time together in the field is over. She will never again be able to function on my team, and I will not be able to watch over her and protect her, as I have done since the day she came to Section.

I did it. I told her only truth... that I never intended to hurt her. She actually believed that this might have gone back to our night together! Nothing could be farther from the truth. But what good would it have done to deny it? She is so angry that nothing I say will change her mind.

Even my confession about living two lives, as near as I have ever come to telling her the reality of my situation without giving details, had absolutely no effect. I could see it in her eyes, when she said that it was too little too late, that she has become part of Jurgen's life. If that is so, then I give her up... I let her go... let them be together... they both want the same things.

I am bound by a life that I can not be extricated from. Let my own mistakes make me a prisoner of love. For my love for her is the only thing that I can justify.

* * * * * * * *

I don't want to write this, but I am compelled. It's about the mission. We succeeded in stopping the satellite codes from being deciphered. But the price...

My God. I wanted to die, to let Nikita have her life with Jurgen. I knew that manually setting the explosive charge would be suicide, and I followed protocol as team leader, knowing that I would never see her again. A part of me was glad when Jurgen drew his weapon and volunteered to perform the task. He knew how much I love her. I could see it in his eyes. I can never repay him for giving her back to me.

Now Jurgen is dead, and I am responsible. Being in Medical from the leg wound has given me time to think.

I told Nikita that I lied about some things I said about Jurgen, that he was a good man, that I would miss him. I don't think she believed me, but it felt good to say it. She and I are estranged now, and I don't know whether or not we can remain friends, but I do know that we will have to overcome everything if we are to continue to perform at a high p.o.s., and I dread, and dream, about the day that Section throws us together on a Valentine mission.

The gap between delusion and reality has closed. My loyalty to Section has never been in jeopardy before. Now everything Nikita says and does makes me question my motives.

My future and hers will depend on whether or not I can make living in Section and loving Nikita exist simultaneously.

So far, I can't...

* * * * * * * *

~FIN - For now