Third Party Ripoff and Playing With Fire Spoiler

Title: Without You

Spoilers: Takes place between Third Party Ripoff and Playing with Fire

Rating: N/A

*Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows

Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play

***

Happiness is difficult to obtain in real life - in Section it is almost impossible.

You can find comfort, a period of quietness and maybe even some contentment, but not happiness. But I did. I found it. For a few incredible moments my life - maybe for the first time ever - held happiness.

I now realize Michael is my happiness, as well as so many other things. He is my frustration, my antagonist, my lover, my defender, but most of all he is my happiness. Those few weeks before the directive were amazing in their simplicity. We never even did that much. Often our times together consisted of quiets dinners and long walks, or talking at a small café on the corner.

Yet those times were what I lived for in our relationship. I discovered the real Michael during our simple moments of domesticity - not Simone's Michael, not Elena's Michael and especially not Section's Michael, but the true, complete Michael.

I learned that his habit of drinking milk came from his grandmother. When she lived with his family, she insisted that he and his sister drink a glass every morning. They couldn't even leave the house 'til they did.

I now know his love for music and the cello came from his mother. She herself was a great pianist and may have even become famous if she had not met and fallen in love with Michael's father.

These are the events in my life that brought me my first real sense of happiness. I have felt the purest sensation of joy at merely being in the company of the one you love and sharing his stories. Those moments still bring me happiness despite the sorrow I live with daily. Because those moments were and are real. We were us then - Michael and Nikita and we belonged to no one else.

***

The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you

The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you

***

Despite my imaginings, being with Nikita was nothing like I expected. I thought when I had finally freed myself to be with her, I would find a piece of the contentment I had been seeking. And I did. But I also discovered so much more.

In every other aspect of my life, no matter who I am with, I am a man of little words. One of the first lessons I learned in Section was that words mean very little and you can rarely trust them. So I learned how to give them up. True communication began to occur through a look, a touch, a breath. Over time I began to perfect my silent language so that very few could read it, let alone understand it.

However, Nikita managed to decode me within moments. Consciously she may not have understood my language, but she could interpret it, and over time she learned to make it her own. Then she enabled me to do the one thing I never thought I could again - I began to trust words.

I began to believe her when she told me I am a good man, a good person. I began to believe her when she said the pain of losing Adam would lessen over time. It would never completely vanish, but it would lessen. Again my Nikita was right. I will always love my beautiful son, but in my heart I know he is in a good place and has a wonderful mother.

But the greatest lesson I learned from Nikita was to trust my vulnerability. Granted, by being vulnerable you open yourself up to great pain and suffering, as I know. Vulnerability is Section's true nemesis in regards to its operatives. They stab away at it, using the deadliest methods until it is too painful to be vulnerable. And then once again Section has conquered another 'enemy.'

Except now I know not only does vulnerability bring the deepest pain, it also gives you the sweetest joy. Nikita showed me that my vulnerability to her is one of my greatest gifts.

When I gave myself to her, she returned the gift one hundred fold. Her brightest smile became brighter for me. Her most passionate kiss became even more passionate for me. I knew then - and still know now - I am loved

*** Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves

Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The ocean crashes

***

I am currently sitting in a small neighborhood park not far from Michael's loft. I know it is dangerous, but I couldn't help it. I woke up this morning with a sudden urge to be near him. Maybe it was a dream I had or a premonition, but something in my heart told me to be close to him today. It is actually a beautiful day. With the cool breeze and warm sun streaming down, it's the type of day perfect for lazy naps or boat rides on the lake.

We used to come here - Michael and I. We'd lay out a big old quilt that I had bought one time at a gypsy fair and do nothing for hours. Sometimes we would read or talk, but mostly we would just be. Enjoying our moments of togetherness.

I am sitting on that quilt now with it patches of calico and flowers, hoping against hope to see him. Just a glimpse - even that would be something at this point. We have been through so much over these past five years, but I don't know if we have the strength to survive this separation.

I feel Michael calling out to me every moment I am near him. And I do the same. I know nothing in Section is as it seems and so I wonder about this directive. I don't believe for one moment Madeline's crap that Michael being off one and a half percent is the reason for the directive. There is so much more to it than that. But what?

What the hell do Madeline and Operations think we are up to? I know Michael's temporary status as Operations and the Bergomi mission scared the hell out of them. Those events I am sure have a great deal to do with our current separation.

Oh God, this whole thing just sucks. Michael and I finally reached a point where our relation became top priority in both our lives. We were communicating so clearly. I have never fooled myself in to thinking our relationship would be perfect or have perfect understanding. But we had each other. We still do - I have to believe that or the sorrow that pushes down harder and harder on my heart will one-day swallow me whole.

***

The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you

The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you

***

On a day like to day Nikita and I probably would be out in the park on her old quilt. It was one of my favorite activities. T o just lie in the sun with Nikita's body sprawled out next to mine was heaven.

I walk towards our favorite park now. It is rather small one near my place, but it is our favorite. Just watching the local children run around and hearing their carefree laughter float through the air was a wonderful balm for our souls. In those moments we knew a sense of a peace because there was living, breathing proof that our work for Section did accomplish something positive.

My need to see Nikita is overwhelming, but we are both down today. I don't think we are being monitored any longer, yet I know you can never be sure with Section. Everyday apart from her becomes more difficult. She is my life now. Section has finally slipped to second place.

And look at the results. They don't like second place and Operations and Madeline are determined to prove just how great is their dislike. I pray they don't win.

I fear every morning and every night that one day Section will succeed and finally destroy Nikita's feelings for me. Then every morning and night I try to reassure myself with the thought that we have already been to hell and back and she still loves me. Even more amazingly, Section's tests have seemingly strengthened her love. I know mine has only grown stronger in spite of their tests.

I have reached the park's gate and like usual it is filled with children of all ages with their rather haggard parents and nannies. Without thought I head towards our tree. It is in the back of the park, somewhat out of view. From this spot we could inconspicuously watch the comings and goings of the park visitors.

Nikita loves watching the children on the playground the most. She is amused and fascinated with the contests they invent on the monkey bars - skipping every other bar, jumping to the second bar, or hanging upside down. One time a rather small girl was jumping to the second bar and missed completely. As soon as the girl hit the ground, Nikita jumped up and ran to her. Unconsciously, she soothed away the child's tears and checked for injuries. I could feel how saddened she was to hand the child back to her mother. That faraway look entered her eyes like it always does when she thinks about the child she - no we - will never have.

As I reach the tree my thoughts come to a sudden halt. Underneath the shade of the colored leaves, Nikita is laying on our blanket, her eyes closed.

I barely breathe a sound, but her eyes open immediately. We stare at each other, neither moving nor speaking.

***

The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you

***

He is here - this one thought pounds through my brain, body and heart. I don't know what to do. Is this a sign? Should I speak? Or should I just walk away? Fortunately Michael takes the decision out of my hands.

"Hello."

"Hello."

I nod my head, giving Michael unspoken permission to join me on the blanket. He gracefully eases his body to the ground stretching out opposite of me so his feet connect with my hips.

Our silence continues. His eyes are filled with warmth and sorrow as he stares at me, idly playing with a loose thread on the quilt. I don't know what to do. My desire to reach over and touch him, kiss him is so overwhelming. In this moment, Section and the directive are a distant memory.

"I see we had the same idea," he finally says.

"Yes."

Again silence.

"How are you?" I finally ask.

He doesn't answer with words. The look in his eyes and the slump of his body tells me all I need to know.

My attention is distracted by a yell from the playground. A young boy is shouting triumphantly over winning a game of jax. Turning back I find Michael has leaned closer. So close I can smell his fresh scent.

"I miss you Nikita."

I close my eyes, wishing he had not said that, but so damn glad he did.

"I know," I whisper, "Me too."

Then, "How much longer Michael?"

"I don't know."

At this point I am not even thinking, only feeling. It is the only explanation of why I said what I said next.

"Without you Michael, my life is colorless. Nothing is as it seems. I feel like I am trapped in a sea of fog. Everything is just gray."

Michael takes my hand and says, "I know."

Finally I can't take it any longer. I slide my body closer to his - now we are hip to hip. I lean in and lightly brush my lips across his - once, twice. Michael sucks in a breath and then releases all his fears on an exhale. Our lips meet hungrily. We don't care about Section, the directive, or the people in the park. Only we exist in this moment.

The kisses become more desperate and fierce. His tongue pushes firmly at my lips, demanding entrance. I open greedily and meet his demand. My arms snake around his neck as he pulls me into his lap. Beautiful, endless sensations assault my body and heart. This is all I want - to be in Michael's arms.

We eventually end the kisses, but remain locked in each other's embrace. He strokes my hair, playing with the loose strands. I contentedly trail my fingers up and down his back.

"I should be going," he says.

"I know."

"I am working on a scenario. It won't be..."

"Shhh...I know. I trust you."

At my words Michael gives me one more quick, hard kiss and then untangles himself from me. He gifts me with a soft smile and then turns away, leaving me alone and empty. I watch his retreating figure and comfort myself with the knowledge that we will be together. Michael promised and I know Michael keeps his promises.

***

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats

Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe

The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you

Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die

Without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

* "Without you" from the musical Rent

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