FLYF Spoiler

This takes place during the opening scene of 'All Good Things' when Nikita is out on her balcony, reflecting.

***

I sit and watch the rain,
And see my tears run down the windowpane...

I sit and watch the sky,
And I can hear it breath a sigh...

I think of him,
How we were...

And when I think of him,
Then I remember...

Sitting here on my balcony in the early morning, I wonder if I have ever seen such a beautiful sunrise. Illuminating the world in an almost ethereal light, shades of gold and pink shimmer around me, enveloping me in their magic. If only I could believe that the enchantment of this sunrise could protect us and keep us here forever. Sadly, it is not to be.

Remember...

In his eyes I can see
Where my heart longs to be!

The truth of this last thought shatters the illusion I had wrapped myself in only moments before. The inevitable harshness of reality penetrates my world once again. Still, as I sit here enjoying my breakfast of tea and toast, I remember how for a few hours last night my illusion of magical protection held steadfast and strong. In Michael's arms there was no Section, no Operations and Madeline and especially, most especially, no Center. His kisses burned up all thought. His caresses washed away all reality. His body obliterated all truth except the one in our hearts.

In his eyes I see a gentle glow,
And that's where I'll be safe, I know!

Safe in his arms,
Close to his heart

But I don't know quite where to start

"God, what the hell are you doing Nikita?" I ask myself everyday. Every goddamn day! And then I remember. I remember people like Lisa and Rudy, moments like Adrian's conviction, criminals like the Peruze brothers and Mijovich, but most of all I remember Adam. At random moments, I recall his beautifully smiling face and the crinkles around his eyes that reflect his father's image. These are the pictures that keep me focused on the end game. This is my source of strength. Although everyday achieving closure becomes more and more difficult and last night may have made it unbearable.

By looking in his eyes,
Will I see tomorrow?

By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond the sorrow that I feel?

Giving into Michael last night was probably one of the stupidest things I have ever done, but I can't regret it for a moment. My role within Center guarantees that our relationship is doomed no matter how much I love him or his feelings for me. This mission takes precedence over everything and yet I still couldn't stop myself from loving Michael - last night or forever. He is permanently embedded in my soul, emblazoned on my heart. There can be no one else for me. And eventually I must betray him.

Will his eyes reveal to me
Promises, or lies?

But he can't conceal from me
The love in his eyes!

Section is no place for love. How ironic is it then that this is place where I found love - in Walter, in Birkhoff, and mostly definitely in Michael. Sadly those who love me the most know me the least, but I am glad they have met the true Nikita. The person I should be, could be, if it wasn't for Section. If it wasn't for Center.

I know their every look,
His eyes!

They're like an open book,
His eyes

But most of all the look
That hypnotized me!

Michael has done more for me than he will ever realize and sadly more than he may ever understand. He has been my mentor and my teacher. His is my love and my soul mate. Still, even more than that, he is the example I have learned from and the source from which I draw strength. I only wish he could know how much I have truly absorbed from all his lessons.

If I'm wise
I will walk away and gladly...

But sadly
I'm not wise.
It's hard to talk away
The mem'ries that you prize!

I did learn my love, I promise. Long ago at a secret meeting in a large mansion with a sprawling lawn and majestic hillside, a pact - for better or worse - was forged, and I passed my final Section test becoming one of them, of you, Michael. I am you. I just wish you could know as much.

Love is worth forgiving for!

Now I realize -

Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!

Reigning in my wandering thoughts, I take a sip of now cold tea, and begin to realize how long I have sat out here. The rising sun now has more of a yellow-orange hue. The beauty of first light has dissipated and with it the peaceful magic of early morning. Throwing my leftover toast to the birds scrounging my deck for breakfast, I rise to return inside.

Love is worth forgiving for!
Now I realize -

Tiptoeing across the cool, wooden floor, I move as quietly as possible in case Michael is still asleep. I creep up the stairs, pausing at the landing, frozen for a moment in time. Before me lies Michael in all his sleeping innocence, stealing my breath away. My legs shake and suddenly my will falters. "I can't do this!" my heart screams. "No! Not to Michael. Not to myself. Find another way!" it hurls at my conscience. I grasp the wall, unsure of my balance as doubt overwhelms me. Then he shift ever so slightly and his intoxicating eyes open, focusing instantly on me. If only he hadn't. In that moment I see Adam again, disoriented as he awakens from a deep sleep and my resolve fortifies itself. I will complete this mission. I have to - for all our sakes.

Now I realize -

Everything worth living for
Is there in his eyes!

But I will never forget this moment. The desire and need I see in Michael's soft, green eyes will forever live in my heart, soul and memory. It is enough. It has to be.

* Song note: "In his eyes" from the musical Jekyll & Hyde

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