Dearest Adam,

Today, the man I work for lost his son, that's what triggered my writing to you. He is the man that ordered me to leave you, the man who told me to get over you. And still, I don't hate him.

Today, when I found out about his loss, we looked at each other as if we were kindred spirits. And at this instant we were.

Like me, he gave up his little boy. Like me, he never saw him grow. Unlike me, god forbid, he was unable to protect him and he died.

He is a strange man, the man I work for, Adam. We call him Operations. It's a rank, like in the army, and above all that's what he is : a soldier. He's demanding, ruthless, unforgiving. Until recently, I had never seen him ask anyone working under him to make a sacrifice he was not willing to make. He's ready to die for what he believes in and I always respected him for that.

Long ago, he -willingly I think- gave up his son, faking his death so he could become the chief of the biggest anti-terrorist organisation in the world. Duty called and he sacrificed his life. He ordered me to do the same and like a good soldier, I complied. But not willingly, only because there was no other way out. I was never given a choice, Adam. Had I refused, I would have died and you and your mother too, I feared.

Operations has a hard time tolerating anyone who doesn't think like he does. He couldn't accept that I wouldn't "get over" you. All he saw was that he had done it and so should I. But in the end, like me he had never recovered from the loss of his son. He would not be very much of a man if he had. And he is human. Like me. So very imperfect but human...

When he learnt that Stephen, his son, had been killed, I saw in his eyes that he had never stopped being a father. Unconsciously, he had asked of me something he was not ready to do, something he was incapable of doing. Like me. And my respect for him grew.

The way he protects his second in command, Madeline, also makes me relate to him. He jeopardized Section's best interests once to save her life. He was ready to kill me too in the process but I know I'm expandable. What surprised me was that he allowed himself this weakness : love. I'm not trying to tell you that feeling love is alike being weak, but in my line of work one cannot let their feelings interfere. Operations let his heart speak when he tried to save Madeline, something he has been denying me ever since I met Nikita.

When he ordered me to let her die, to cancel her, like him I could not sacrifice the woman I love. That's an order I will never be able to carry. If he ever found out he would not forgive me this "weakness" though. But that's his job. In a way, I understand. But I would kill him without a second thought should he harm you, your mother or Nikita.

I know he looks at me as his favorite contender for his succession. I'm, after all, the best at what I do. See no arrogance here, Adam, this is the awful truth. My "job" gives me no sense of pride. But like everything else I have ever tried, I can't stop until I excel at it. So, I became the best killing machine Section ever had. Operations is expecting a lot from me because I possess the leadership qualities that could allow me to take his place. It's not so much that he sees the common points between the two of us but rather that he wants to believe I don't have his flaws. His emotions, his feelings, his weaknesses.

But I do and I don't think he understands that. Madeline does though. She has always known me better than anybody else. We too have a lot in common. We excel at manipulating people, we are aware of the danger of emotional attachments and we're careful to never show how we really feel, especially to the ones we most care about.

This is the qualities Operations expects from his successor. This is what he demands from me. I'm not sure I want his job, Adam. It has never been my ambition to head Section. My only challenge has always been with myself not the others. As far as I can remember, I have always tried to go beyond my limits, to exceed what I could do. I am my own contender. I have never wanted to be better than anybody else, only me.

But when recently I took Operation's place during a mission, I remember standing in his glass aerie thinking that maybe I belonged there. It gave me a strange sense of power to stand up there looking down as other operatives carried out my orders. And when Nikita joined me and I offered her the job of my second in command, for a few seconds I realized that one day this could be real...

Nikita doesn't have what it takes to do Madeline's job and I hope she never will, but still, if I became Operations I wouldn't have to fear constantly for her life or yours, my dear son. I'll have the biggest resources available to a human being to protect you both at the best of my abilities.

But despite his position, Operations could not protect Stephen, in the end. He was killed by a man working for the very organisation his father heads. I'm sure Operations didn't miss the cruel irony of this.

I get so tired sometimes, Adam. I know I would accept Operations' place, should he offer it to me. Not because I want it but because I believe it is my destiny somehow. I think Madeline would be a better choice, though. And I'm sure she doesn't lack the ambition! But I am a better leader of men than she, despite her tremendous competencies. Everybody fear her but few respect what she does. And this position demands for a respected AND feared leader. I'm sorry to tell you I would fit the job's description perfectly, my son.

I don't want the responsibility but I won't escape it. In my world, there's no other way but up. But I know the day I take Operations' place is the day I will lose Nikita for ever, if she hasn't already given up on me by then. She copes with my ruthlessness because she eventually realizes that I'm not my own master. The day I'll have to demonstrate the same ruthlessness as Section's leader is the day she will stop forgiving me. I don't even dare writing that she'll stop "loving" me. God, I hope she does as much as I fear it.

I know I cannot live without her. I don't know if I can live without her caring for me, worrying about me, yes, loving me... I don't know if I can live with her hatred, Adam. And she would hate me as much as she now hates Operations. I don't want that. But then again, unlike Operations I will not have a choice.

Because you see, my son, in the end, he chose his life while I'm paying for my crimes. So, there is a huge difference between us. We both belong here but he chose it. I never did. It doesn't mean I would run away if given the chance. What's waiting for me on the outside? A sister who believed me dead for all these years and who would not recognize the man I have become. A wife who would righteously hate me for killing her father and deceiving her all these years. You? How could I return to you when I know that my reappearance would hurt you more than my fake death?

No, I'll live and die in Section. This is my destiny. Without Nikita, I would have never thought about escaping. She asked me to run away with her once but I refused. It's not so much the danger that is stopping me. I live with the treat of death over my head every day. But even if we could find a safe passage out of here, even if they should release us, what life could I give her?

I played the part of a suburban husband for years, Adam, but that was just a part, even if the fatherly feelings were real. I never felt I belonged there, in this huge and expensive house in the suburbs, the way I feel I belong in Section. I guess I'm like an inmate who grew accustomed to his cell. How do prisoners behave when they are free after 15 years in jail? Even Nikita didn't enjoy her freedom when she left Section, and she had only been there for 3 years. How could I adapt to a normal life again? Even with her, if she still wanted me.

Inside, most of the times, she knows that she can rely on me to protect her. What would happen when she doesn't need my protection anymore? Would I lose her? I know I would feel worthless in the outside world. Here, I'm the best at what I do. What can I expect in the "real" world, become the best accountant, mechanic, detective? Policemen have rules, I'm not used to operate within the limits of law.

No, Nikita wouldn't need me anymore if we were free. And I can't stand it, Adam.

I needn't worry about that, though. I gave up my freedom and my free will the day I planted that bomb in Paris 15 years ago. Do you know that this year, I would have been eligible for parole if Section had not recruited me? I was condemned to life in prison but there is no such thing as life imprisonment in France, they don't condemn people to 150 years in jail like in the United States. Eventually, you're eligible for parole. This year, I could have been free. I sometimes wonder what kind of man I would have become if Section had not chosen me. I don't think I'd be a better man though, despite all the crimes I committed for Section ever since. Prison like Section, is not the best place to find redemption.

I do not wish to be still in jail. I am as caged here than I could ever be there but without Section you would not exist and I would have never met Nikita. So, I have no regrets. I don't miss freedom. For you see, my only ambition, is to be able to watch over you both. This is why I will take Operations' place if he asks. But I do hope he never realizes this. He wouldn't understand and sometimes I don't either. Section is supposed to have killed my compassion long ago. Who would have thought two innocents could prove them and me wrong? Should Operations know that I would place your protection above Section's best interests I would lose any chance to take his place. I could even be cancelled for such an unorthodox behaviour. It makes me smile to think they could cancel me for loving you both. They ask me to commit every sin ever known to man but would condemn me for this crime only. Often, I wish they'd do it. I can't think of no better reason to die. Pour l'amour de vous.

Je t'aime Adam

Your daddy now and forever.

THE END

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