My dearest Adam,

I don't know if I can do this but I have to try. When I found -No remembered- my reason to live after losing you, it didn't diminish the pain I felt. I miss you so much Adam. Nothing will ever change that... But sometimes, like now, the pain is so accurate I need to find a way to deal with it. Not get over it, it is impossible, a parent never recovers completely from the loss of his child. For even if I'm the dead one and not you, thank god, the pain is nearly the same.

That's why I decided to write this letter to you. A letter I will not send like your last birthday present. A letter I will soon burn because of the people I work for.

Writing used to unable me to deal with my anger when I was a little older than you. I haven't done it in a long time... I don't know if it will work. I don't hope to feel better. But when the suffering piles up until I feel like shouting like a wounded animal, I realize I need to do something about it or risk falling into total despair again. If it should happen again, I'm afraid of the length I would go to... Of the person I would hurt on the process...

I guess most people would talk, seek comfort in somebody's arms. But I can't. Not only because of Section, the ones who took you away from me, but because it goes against my nature. I don't like talking about myself, explaining my motivations, my behaviour. This is too personal. But I can do it with you. Because you're my son. Because I love you. Not because you will never read this. I truly wish I could have this open hearted discussion with you. You can't begin to imagine how much I'd want that.

For as long as this letter will exist before it burns, I'll be completely open. No disguise, no lies, no mask to hide behind. These are my thoughts raw and sincere. This is me. Michel. Your father.

I hope you will never learn who your father truly was my dear Adam. Not for my protection but yours. Not just because your life would be in danger if you ever found out the truth but because I believe in the comfort of lies. The truth is sometimes too harsh to deal with, trust me. This is a strange lesson coming from a parent I know, but I'm no conventional father either. I don't think the pain of losing your daddy would be alleviated by the realisation that I am alive but was on a mission all along and that my love for your mother was a lie. It would only change your pain into hate. I don't fear your hatred, I rightly deserve it. There is no excuse for what I did to you or your mother. But hate is a dangerous feeling. It is empowering, it consumes everything else. It kills love Adam. I know, I've been there. And I want you to have a life full of love.

You will always miss your loving father and that's better like that. And in the end, it was not a lie. For I truly love you, then, now and for ever. You are my flesh and blood and the most amazing little boy on earth. You conquered my heart with your incredible mischievous smile, your tremendous assurance, your tenderness and the way your fingers clung to my hand when I first held you in my arms.

I didn't want to love you then but I did. And I do.

I guess I need to tell you the truth about your mother and I. Like I said it was a mission. I was supposed to make her fall in love with me. I am good at those things. And she fell in love with the man I created. I wish I could tell you I ended up falling for her too but that would be a lie. You see, I was already married to someone else, my first wife Simone, and I was only dedicated to her. As wonderful as your mother was and still is, there was no room for her in my life, and my marriage with her was a lie.

When I lost Simone, I still didn't turn to your mother for comfort, I kept on playing my part. But by then, I had began to appreciate her immense qualities, her quiet strength, her tenderness, her heart, her wit. She was still a target but I had grown fond of her. I am a good operative and a very gifted liar, Adam. Maybe the best in Section, but even I couldn't play a part like that for so many years without revealing some parts of me behind the man I had created.

I cared for your mother. Deeply. And I still do. One don't share the life of a beautiful and innocent soul for so long without feeling something not even I. Do you know in India they have a hundred different words for "Love"? They don't use the same words to say they love chocolate, or love a friend or love their son. So, there must be a word to describe the way I feel about your mother.

When you were born I cared for her even more. Because she was your mother. I don't think I ever felt so grateful to anyone in my whole life for the gift she gave me when she brought you into this world. Don't you believe that your creation was the work of Section, that you're the product of a mission. Don't you EVER think that! You were the result of your mother's love. It doesn't matter that her love was misplaced. I am to blame for it, not her and certainly not you. You are a love child too, Adam don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It is true I didn't want you born, I thought Section was going too far with this blood cover. But the minute you laid your huge pensive eyes on me, I was overwhelmed. I never felt more proud in my life sweetheart. That I, of all people, could have contributed to your creation never ceased to amaze me. That some good could come from all these lies, all this dirt... I'll never understand it but I am forever grateful. As much as my love for you breaks my heart I would never change a single thing if it meant you were never born.

Poor Adam, you found yourself caught with a very undeserving daddy, my love. But please don't be afraid of me. Do you know the word heredity? It means that parents pass on their characteristics, their behaviour, their likes or dislikes to their children. Don't fear that from me, you take after your mum. You look like her much more than like me. I didn't pass on you any evil that lies within me. You may have my stubbornness and my boldness but your tender heart will always balance it. Listen to your heart Adam. Sometimes it's the only voice you can trust.

If you don't trust me just take a look at your mother: she too is the child of a ruthless terrorist and see how wonderful she is. Two generations of children born out of cold-blooded killers and look at the result. Your grandfather loved your mum as much as I love you, and he would have loved you too given the time. It doesn't make him or me less cruel but it proves that we only passed our love to our kids not our wickedness. It tells a lot about the power of love, darling.

I can't finish this letter without telling you about the most important person in my life besides you. You know her, her name is Nikita. She is not my cousin. We're not related by blood, at least not in the conventional sense of the word. I couldn't have been the father I was to you without her. She made things blossom in me I didn't know were there.

I know it sound cruel to talk to you about another woman. But you see, she never was the "other woman". She is the only one there ever was for me. Then again, there must be a word in some language to express the way I feel about her. It is very different from the way I felt for Simone, my first wife. I can't really explain it. All I can say is I survived Simone's death and I know I wouldn't survive hers.

After I lost you, she was the reason why I stayed alive, to protect her as best as I could. She gives me the strength to wake up every morning and go on. She is the reason that makes me want to try to channel my pain over you in this letter for fear I will hurt her again if I don't release some tension. Please, don't be jealous of her. She made me a better man, a better father to you. She opened my heart and you gained from it.

The way I feel for her defies reason. It is not allowed by my superiors and it is dangerous for us both. But I can't help it. Just like I couldn't help falling in love with you when I first saw you, Adam. I can't stop loving her any more than I could stop loving you.

And as I hurt you, I hurt her. But constantly, regularly. It is justified by the necessity to keep her alive at all costs but it doesn't change the facts... I know she resents it. She has every rights to. You need to understand that when I'm in Section I'm not the man you knew. The man I was with you was real, my feelings, my love, our laughter were REAL. But I cannot be this man in Section. He just doesn't belong there. Since you were born, I had to bury him deep inside of me so noone would suspect anything. And if it hadn't been for you and for Nikita, I may have forgotten he existed in the first place.

I am cold, distant, severe sometimes with her. I use her feelings against her. I am a very bad man for her, Adam. I make her cry. Do you remember the first -and only- time I made you cry? You mustn't, you were only 2, but I recall it vividly. You had been running in the house for hours, you were so excited for I don't know which reason. Your mum had a terrible headache and you refused to go play outside. Instead, you kept running around the furniture like a naughty little devil. I told you to stop twice and you didn't listen to me. You were testing me, seeing how far you could go. You reminded me of Nikita while I was training her. The third time when you didn't obey, I yelled at you and took you to your bedroom. I locked the door and left you there. That's when you started to cry. You banged against the door with your fists and cried so loud. I stood outside the door listening to you, I knew I had to teach you a lesson. That was my job as a dad too, show you that there were limits not to cross. But as I listened to you, even though I was convinced that I had done the right thing for you, your tears were breaking my heart. That's how I feel when I make Nikita cry. I waited for five long minutes before opening the door to your bedroom and scooped you up in my arms. I rocked you against me and wiped away your tears until you fell asleep. But I wait for much more than 5 minutes with Nikita. Sometimes, I don't even go over to her to ease her pain or just to apologise. And I never ever rocked her against me until she fell asleep. I wish I could...

Grown ups can have very complicated lives but don't worry it doesn't mean yours will be. You'll grow into a wonderful young man my son and you will never have to hold back your feelings from the ones you love. And you will never NEVER learn the meaning of the words Section One. I will see to that. Even from afar.

I should go now, baby. I know you think you're too old to be called like that but here indulge me, okay? It was good talking to you. I guess Nikita would be proud of me, she wants me to open up, you know. She has no idea how painful this can be. I hope you'll never learn the meaning of the word "bittersweet", Adam. That's how I feel when I think of you or her. Sweet pain and bitter joy. But I wouldn't trade these feelings for a lifetime of peace. Loving both of you is a blessing. Receiving love from any of you was much more than I could ever hope for.

Je t'aime Adam

Your daddy now and forever.

THE END

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