He had come to her that night. He had come to her apartment after making sure, back in Section, that their conversation wouldn't be videotaped or heard by anyone. He had told her so. Nikita stood in the middle of her living room waiting, hoping he had come with words of love, afraid he would again use her feelings against her for the sake of her only rival, Section. He had refused the wine she offered him, rejected the idea to sit on the couch, wouldn't even take his leather jacket off. She tried to prepare herself for whatever was coming. She knew it wouldn't be good.

Michael started very calmly but he wouldn't look at her in the eyes.

"Nikita I came to ask you to leave."

She looked at him disbelieving "What! Leave Section?."

"Not Section. Just me. You must let go of me Nikita," he was staring at her now and all she saw was the blank stare he so annoyingly mastered.

"I don't know what you mean, Michael," she hissed.

But she knew he was pushing her away. Again.

"You know as well as I do. This has got to stop," he continued.

"'This', what, Michael?," she hissed.

"Whatever there is between us must stop, here and now," he snapped back.

"We have nothing!," she angrily stated.

"Exactly. So why is it so difficult for you to let go?," he stared menacingly at her.

She shivered, he was beginning to scare her. Michael rarely lost his temper and she barely understood why he was so mad at her. But she soon reacted.

"What is wrong Michael, are you scared? Am I getting too close? Is that it? You're afraid I might see what you hide behind those thick walls you erect."

"You're the one who should be afraid of me!," he yelled standing in front of her, just a few steps away.

This time, she knew something was really wrong.

"What's up Michael? Tell me what's wrong?," she asked worriedly.

He screamed : "You! That's what's wrong! Why do you keep worrying about me? Why do you care for me? This has got to stop, I can only hurt you!"

Nikita was beginning to see the core of the problem. She tried to reach him, to touch him but he flinched.

"No! Nikita don't you understand, I can't give you what you want!"

She paled but remained calm. "Michael, please I'm not asking for anything, just let me help you, be there for you..."

He laughed bitterly. "I don't want that. I don't NEED that"

"Then, tell me what you need!," she was losing patience, she had never seen him like this and she was scared. But more than anything, she felt she might lose him for good this time. She had said good-bye to him many times, tried desperately not to love him without success. Now though, the more he talked, the more she felt like he was breaking up with her. No, she thought, he's discarding me, pushing me away, to break up we would need to have a relationship to begin with...

He looked at her intensely, ready to imprint some truths within her. Things he had waited too long to tell her. Things that would set her free from him. For good.

"This is what you've got to understand Nikita," he said, slowly walking towards her, his eyes set on hers. "I don't NEED anything. Anything at all."

She looked at him dumbfounded. He patiently but fiercely put it another away.

"That's who I am Nikita. All this time, since you met me, you believed there was more than what you saw. More than what I did for Section. You always think the last manipulation will be the last. But there is no end to it. This is what I do, here. You should know by now. Section used your ...," he searched for the right word, .".. faith in me every time, and every time you fell for it."

Nikita felt tears coming to her eyes but she fought them and steadied her voice.

"But you saved my life time and time again, you protected me, sometimes against my will, but always because you felt that was best for me in Section. For Christ sake Michael, you even helped me escape!"

"And I took you back in. Don't forget that, Nikita," his voice was calm. Dead calm.

Her mind was racing. What was he saying? That it was all a game from the beginning. That he had let her escape only to bring her back six months later. NO, her mind screamed. No, there was too many discrepancies, she cancelled this thought. For now...

Michael kept going, his words cutting her deeper than a knife.

"You always thought that deep inside of me I was hiding the real Michael, someone who could care. Someone who could give you what you dreamed of, someone who could love you like you deserve to be loved. But behind the walls I erected, the ones you relentlessly try to break, there is nothing, Nikita. NOTHING! I am empty. Everybody knows it, Operations, Madeline, Walter, everybody. How come, you can't see it? I can't give you anything 'cause I have nothing to give".

"But..." she started, choking.

"NO! Listen to me!," he spoke inches from her face nostrils flaring, eyes mad.

"I'm partly responsible, I let you believe that there was more to me than what you saw, because it served my purposes and Section's. And maybe, because I wanted to believe that there was something left in me. Some traces of the person I used to be long before "The Bloody hour" and Section One. But this person is dead. I can show you his grave. He died a long time ago. And trust me, there is nothing left, not even ashes. I am as empty as the tomb where I am supposed to be resting."

Nikita caught her breath. She couldn't accept that. She braced herself for a long fight.

"Then why do you keep protecting me, Michael? Why do you CARE?"

He got angrier, he was expecting this from her. Would she ever learn?

"And you, why do you care!? Didn't I hurt you enough? Do you enjoy having Operations and Madeline use your trust in me against you? How many times do I need to betray you before you get it? This will never end, Nikita. I am not going to change. You're not going to turn me into the man you want. Remember what you told me after the War, that the person you were attracted to was only an act, that you would loathe the real me. You were right. You want a better life inside Section, then stay away from me!"

Nikita was on the verge of tears again but she never had more reasons to fight than right now. She didn't, couldn't believe him.

"You're a liar Michael," she hissed.

"Yes, I am Nikita," he answered.

"You're lying right now and you're the one buying it!," she screamed.

This time he lost his control. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall.

"Why would I lie?," he yelled shaking her. "This is the truth. I have never been more honest with you. You fell in love with a fantasy. At best, it was someone I used to be 20 years ago. But this is not who I am now Ni-ki-ta. I am a dangerous man and not only because of my line of work. Even outside Section, I would be. I am a cold-blooded killer, a terrorist, a liar. I can let innocents die, I can murder anyone without thinking about it. Because I am under orders doesn't make it less forgivable. I know who I am. I am what I do. Face it!"

Nikita was crying now but she didn't feel it and Michael acted like he didn't see her tears, or maybe he just didn't care. Some of the truths he had said were slowly invading her brain like dozens of poisonous snakes. But her heart was restless. Even if her mind, her common sense, could one day agree with him, her emotions kept telling her otherwise. She regained enough control on herself to whisper :

"Even if I buy it, Michael. That doesn't answer my simple question: Why do you care... for me?"

Michael took a step away from her but still held her shoulders at arms length.

He sighed, "You're my weakness Nikita. But protecting you from Section doesn't make me a better man. I am selfish and I took what you offered me... greedily. But I never gave you anything in return."

"You gave me my life," she muttered.

He let go of her and turned his back from her.

"Exactly, and look at your life 'Kita. You're a Cold Op with the threat of cancellation always hanging above your head. Do you know why I helped you come back to Section? Because I couldn't protect you outside. And you, you came back for me, because you wanted to be with me or rather the image you have of me. I was the man who set you free, your protector, your mentor. And I used that to lure you back in. Because I am a selfish man."

"You never wanted to be with me? Not even on the boat?," she choked.

He turned to her looking defeated.

"I tried Nikita. When I took you back in, I really tried to be the man you wanted. But I didn't live up to your expectations very long. Soon Jurgen took care of your training and we were both under suspicion. Did you know it was me who advised Madeline to catch Jurgen using you?"

Nikita's eyes widened in horror. "Why?"

"I was under suspicion and if I was caught so were you. So I reaffirmed my allegiance to Section. I didn't hesitate Nikita. I knew what had to be done and so I did. This is what I'm made of. I never let people's feelings get in the way. Not even yours. You're my weakness Nikita. But that doesn't change who I am. I'll keep on protecting you. But I'll do it better if you're not in the way."

Nikita wanted to run away and die. But instead she just said: "I never asked for your protection."

He faced her again. "This is not something I do for you. I do it for my sake."

"I thought you didn't need anything," she stated.

"I do what's in my best interest, to be in control, to survive in Section. Maybe protecting you is part of that," he simply said. "So just let go, Nikita...."

With that he turned to leave.

But Nikita was not done with him.

"If you're really so cold-blooded Michael then you're as good as dead. What's the point living!"

He faced her again "I don't deserve to die 'Kita." He saw that she misunderstood his words so he added : "Death is peace. I don't deserve peace."

Nikita felt her heart break under his cold glance. "Jurgen told me once that you never loved anyone. Not even yourself," she remembered outloud.

"Jurgen was right," he admitted, "You should have believed him then."

She didn't leave him time to turn and leave and said loudly: "I told Jurgen you had loved Simone."

Nikita thought she saw sadness in his gaze before he answered.

"Simone knew who I truly was and she never tried to change me. And though, I was incapable of protecting her. Protecting her from me..."

"You're not responsible for her death," Nikita said extending an arm to touch him again.

He moved away from her. "What do you know Nikita? You were not in Section when she was captured. Has it occurred to you that maybe Section wanted her dead? That Section valued my performances so much, it didn't want my loyalty compromised. Section is like a possessive lover, it cannot stand competition. Simone was in the way, so they made her disappear. This way, I could only belong to them. I am the reason for her death."

Nikita was horrified but strangely enough not surprised. Still, something bothered her deeply.

"How can you work for them knowing that?," she asked.

"Because you know, in the end, they were right," he stated bitterly. "I became even more efficient, even more focused when she was gone. They gave her to me and they took her away like that," he snapped his fingers. "Section arranged our relationship because it suited a purpose. We worked well together. She was far more advanced in hierarchy than me when I met her. I performed well but Section was concerned with me. They thought they didn't have any means to control me. They thought I was too restless and they needed a way to keep me in line. When they realized the fear of cancellation was not enough to tame me, they ordered Simone to seduce me and she did."

Nikita couldn't believe her ears.

"It was only a mission! But you loved her Michael, even if you knew about the mission, you loved her. I was with you when she died, I saw your eyes..."

Michael looked more hurt than she'd ever seen him.

"I ... cared for her. And in her way, I think she did too. But not enough... Not enough to live in the end. What Section was trying to do to me didn't escape me at the time. I allowed them to think they had succeeded. It was easier than to fight them. One cannot fight Section, Nikita. But I let my guard down, I thought I had won a battle, that as long as I was doing the job it was enough. But it wasn't. Section wanted to teach me a lesson and it did. I belong to it, body and soul now. There's nothing left for anybody else. There never was."

Nikita stared into his eyes until he couldn't meet her gaze any longer. She tried to convey all her strength, all her love for his tortured soul to him. But she failed.

"You see why this is so important you stay away from me Nikita. Sooner or later, Section will test me again and this time they will use you. And I will be powerless to stop them. I can only protect you from me. Help me 'Kita," he begged. "Don't enter their game. This is the only way I can save you."

His voice trembled slightly as if he was begging her for his very life. And Nikita realized that her life meant more to him than his own. She wanted so much to tell him how much she loved him despite, or more disturbingly because of, the things he had done and would do in the future. Liar, killer, terrorist. Yes, that was the man she had fallen in love with. She finally admitted to it. He was right, she had lied to herself long enough. She had tried to resurrect a ghost or bring to the surface someone she had imagined in her wildest dreams, because she was scared to love such a dangerous man.

But the truth didn't frighten her anymore. Was she so pure that she deserved a man without blood on his hands. Michael seemed to believe so, but she knew some decent guy like Gray Wellman could never fulfil her. She lived in a dark cold world and she was in love with a dark cold man. Who else could warm her better than someone who knew how cold the night could be, someone who knew how she felt, who knew loneliness, self-loathing, deception at a level she hoped she would never experienced.

"God help me Michael, I love you body and soul," she thought. But she couldn't say that to him now. She looked at him. How fragile he looked right now waiting for her answer. She felt like she could break this strong man with just one word. She felt so much love for him at this moment. He would never realize, he had just given her the most beautiful love speech she could have dreamt. And she wished to give him something in return. Not words of love, he wasn't ready for that. But pure and undeniable love anyhow. She stared in his eyes again and this time he didn't flinch.

"I'll do as you say Michael. I'll put distance between us. I'll stay away, so you can convince Section you really don't care," she calmly stated.

She saw him exhale and regain his composure.

"Thank you, Nikita," he said and headed towards the door.

Before he reached it though, Nikita added slowly:

"You can convince Section, Michael, but you will never convince ME."

He stopped just for an instant and Nikita never saw the look of pure agony on his face. He didn't look back, didn't answer, just ran away from her. "For her own good," he thought. "For you 'Kita. This is the only way."

He was too far to hear her words while she let her body fall to the floor.

"One cannot fight Section, Michael. But maybe two..."

She didn't cry that night. There was nothing to cry for. She felt loved.

THE END

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