Bodies gyrated to ear splitting, rhythmless music and strobe lights danced about the darkened club. Nikita stomped passed sweaty, wriggling bodies as she searched the crowd for Mick Schtoppel. After a frustrating few minutes, she found him in a corner, dressed like the impeccable pimp he was in black leather pants and a crimson shirt.

Nikita barreled through the dense forest of superficial people and Mick pushed away the buxom skank he’d been fondling to greet her. “Popsicle! You look as beautiful as ever.”

“Shove the shit, Mick.” Nikita aimed a homicidal glare at the skank and she wisely slithered away. “Who’s your contact? Ops has agreed to do business with his government in exchange for intel on this new secret weapon.”

“Thong in a bunch again, aye?” Mick regretfully watched the skank disappear into the crowd before turning to Nikita with a wicked grin. “Let’s have a drink while Percy settles down.”

Nikita pressed her body close to his, her nostrils assaulted with the overpowering scent of Brut, and covertly shoved the butt of her gun into Mick’s crotch. “A name, Mick!”

“All right!” He squealed, his eyes bulging. “Be careful! You could damage the love pump!”

Nikita snorted as she slipped her gun under her coat. “I’m sure the roll of socks protect it quite nicely.”

Mick gasped in maudlin indignation. “In a bit of a snit, are we? Planting the wrong flag, I say. Frenchmen are much too Leonardo DiCaprio.”

“Mick.” Nikita growled a warning.

“And it’s only one sock, but it’s to keep me zipper from rubbing Percy raw. Every seven days I like to let him roam free.”

“Mick!” Nikita went for her gun again.

“Okay! Okay!” He shrank against the wall, his hand protectively cupped over Percy. “My contact is willing to give up the goods if you give it up.”

“Give what up?”

“It.” Mick winked at her. “You know.”

“No, I don’t know!” Nikita hissed in exasperation. “Spit it out!”

“Oh, there are so many names for it.” Mick shifted his eyes to Nikita’s suede encased pelvis but she only narrowed her baby blues. “Geez, you can be such a blonde, Popsicle. I’m trying to be a gentleman here.”

“What?!”

“Your womanhood! Your treasured pearl! The silken petals of your fragrant flower!”

Nikita’s eyes widened in disgust. “He wants sex?”

“I knew reading me mum’s romance novels would come in handy some day.”

“I am not sleeping with a complete stranger!”

“He won’t give up the intel unless he gets laid. The bloke is deliriously horny, Nikita. Kept babbling something about cryonic chambers and shagging you rotten.”

“No!”

“Would you rather have Madeline cream your noodles again?”

Nikita blanched visibly. “I could set him up with a Valentine Op.”

“But he wants you and only you, luv. He saw that picture of you sleeping in your commando skivvies and he went right randy.”

Nikita skewered the Englishman with a black, suspicious scowl. “And just how did he get a picture of me sleeping?”

“Oops.”

Nostrils flaring, lips pressed together tightly, Nikita held out a hand.

Mick sheepishly reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver key. He dropped it into the blond Amazon’s palm, then held up his hands defensively. “It’s the last copy. I promise.”

Nikita missed his crossed eyes as she pocketed the key and cursed in frustration. If she went back to Operations and Madeline with this, they would surely order her to sleep with the man. They were Huggy Bear and the Hollywood Madam to her best girl. Any chance to degrade her would be met with malicious glee. Thanks to Michael’s high testosterone antics, she was already skating on thin ice and now would be a bad time to risk insubordination.

Resigned, she decided to go through with the meet. She could always get the information and then clock the sick bugger before they actually consummated the deal.

“All right, Mick. Where, when, and who?”

************

“You’re shaggidelic, baby!”

Nikita tried not to hurl. Tried not to think that she’d actually have to seduce this wigged-out sixty’s relic in Buddy Holly frames. Fucked up teeth. Bouffant hair. A tight, purple suit with a white, ruffled shirt. He was all Prince meets the Nutty Professor.

In preparation for her current degradation, she’d changed into her most enticing, belly-baring outfit and stiletto pumps. Nikita towered over the queer little man but he didn’t seem intimidated as he drooled up at her with blatant lust.

Giving him her best come-hither smile, Nikita extended her hand. “Hi, I’m --“

“Honey Ryder?” The hideous peacock asked eagerly.

“Who?” Nikita frowned.

“Pussy Galore?”

“Now wait a minute!”

“No problem, baby. My name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.” He murmured seductively as he ushered her into the hotel room. “I’ve always wanted to scream out ‘Oh, Pussy’ at the height of passion, but we’ll think of something to call you.”

“My name is Nikita.” She asserted with rising apprehension.

“Hmmm…Ima Vulva…”

“Come again?”

“Well there has to be a first time, don’t you think, baby?” He chortled.

The room was dimly lit and reeked of burning incense. A lurching, organ-heavy ballad was playing in the background and a bucket of chilled champagne and strange-looking hors d'oeuvres sat on the coffee table in front of a plush sectional sofa.

“Make yourself comfortable.” He nudged Nikita towards the sofa and pushed her down onto the cushions. “Care for champagne?”

“Uh…actually I wanted to talk about the…”

“Uh, uh, uhhh! Shagging before nagging, baby.”

Nikita inwardly cringed as she tried to look properly dazed by his imagined allure. “Champagne would be wonderful.”

Buoyed by her acquiescence, Austin picked up the bottle and popped the cork. With exaggerated machismo, he poured two glasses and sat down on the sofa next to her. Nikita took the proffered champagne and followed his lead by raising her glass.

“A toast.” He flashed his buckteeth at her. “To a fruitful alliance.”

Nikita tried her best to shift into seduction mode. “To mutual pleasure.”

“Groovy, baby.” Austin licked his lips as he watched her sip the champagne. “Have a snack.”

“What is it?” Nikita eyed the misshapen treats as he shoved one to her lips. She took a tentative bite and chewed, then spit and sputtered as she swallowed it with a loud gulp. “It…it t-tastes like…”

“Don’t fancy it?” Austin shoved the appetizer into his mouth and chewed voraciously. “I added a secret ingredient. A little homegrown herb, if you know what I mean.”

Nikita plunked her glass down on the coffee table in righteous indignation. “Can we talk about the weapon?”

“My weapon?” Austin cooed.

“Powers!” Nikita growled.

“Grrrr, baby!”

“The intel!” Nikita demanded.

“Not until you keep your end of the bargain.”

“All right, dammit! Let’s just get to it!”

“Smashing!” Austin set down his glass and ripped open his shirt, puffing out his hairy chest. “Feast your eyes, baby!”

Nikita blanched as he lunged for her, a lewd grin on his pasty face. She turned her head as his wet lips dove for hers and his slippery tongue slithered across her eye instead.

“Oh, God!” Nikita sobbed in revulsion.

“Can you feel it, baby?” Austin gasped as he slobbered in her ear. “It’s bigger than the both of us. Meaning our passion, not the incredibly manly tool straining mightily against my trousers.”

“Can you not talk while we’re…” Nikita swallowed miserably. “…doing it?”

“If you call me Danger while you’re soaring to ecstasy.” Austin released her and lay back against the cushion, one leg cocked in the air. “Ravish me!”

“Do I have to?” Nikita whimpered, even as she crawled over him. Failure was not an option.

She buried her face in the shag carpeting of his chest and kissed him with as much gusto as she could muster. The action earned her an exaggerated moan and Austin grabbed her blond head and fervently rubbed her face against him. “Take me!”

“Ewww…ooh, Danger.” Nikita choked on the wiry curls and her arms flailed wildly as she struggled for air. She had to think of some way to delay this, to give herself time to adjust to the situation. She pried his legs from around her waist and clumsily sat up.

“D-do you have p-protection?” She stammered.

“Protection?”

“A condom?”

“Ohhh! Yeah, baby. Mick gifted me with a rather large assortment.” Austin bounded from the couch. “Smashing chap. Reminds me a lot of -- me! Hello! Was I in England in 1964?”

“Austin, please!” Nikita scolded impatiently, then quickly changed her tone to a purr. “I mean… hurry, lover. I want you sooo badly.”

“Can’t resist me can you, baby? I’ll pop off and prime the undercarriage while you get comfortable.” Austin raced for the bathroom, ruffled shirt flying, yelling over his shoulder. “And please, please, leave the pumps on!”

Nikita gulped down her wine and inhaled deeply to calm herself. In the last few minutes, she had developed a new appreciation for Michael. He was domineering, possessive, and always right, but at least he dressed nicely, had a good set of teeth, and a chest that didn’t leave rug burns on her delicate skin.

As she waited pensively, Nikita chugged from the champagne bottle and mumbled words of self-encouragement in between. She searched her pocket for the tiny bottle of sedative she kept on her, but panicked upon realizing she’d left it in her other pants. She barely had time to collect herself before Austin reappeared from the bedroom, totally and repulsively nude.

Nikita eyes widened as they lit on the grotesquely enlarged penis bobbing a randy hello at her. Austin noticed her stare and grinned knowingly. “Impressive, isn’t it, baby?”

“Uh, yeah.” Nikita squeaked and pressed her thighs together.

“Chicks go crazy for it. Do you have a lover? I’d be happy to share my secret with him. No need denying yourself after experiencing such perfection.”

Austin swaggered to the stereo and changed the love song to a fast-paced sixties groove. Nikita cowered in the corner of the sofa and gaped in dread as the freakish hipster wiggled and shimmied towards her, performing a strange mating dance to the up-tempo music.

Why him? Why this prehistoric, oversexed, homely clown? Perry Bauer. Karl Peruse. Earl Sparks. She’d rather have sex a million times with all of them than endure one encounter with the bushy buffoon before her.

Austin closed in on her as he gyrated, his Guinness-caliber penis flopping frantically. “Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I?”

Nikita squeezed her eyes shut and choked out a strangled reply as Austin Danger Powers ripped his glasses from his face and advanced with lecherous intent.

“Yield to me, Ginger Snatch.”

************

Operations and Madeline stood at van access, patiently awaiting Nikita’s arrival. She had just reported in an hour ago that her mission had been successfully completed and she was on her way to Section with the needed intel.

“I’m surprised she went through with it.” Operations commented. “Nikita usually shies away from these type missions.”

“It’s a good thing Michael was away.” Madeline agreed. “He would have surely tried to compromise her.”

“She performed admirably, but I think you should debrief her thoroughly. She sounded a bit strange when she called in.”

Just then, the heavy metal door swung open and a bedraggled, hunched Nikita appeared, clothes askew, hair standing on end, eyes bloodshot and glazed. Her face was pale and frozen in nightmarish stupor as she limped towards them.

“Are you all right?” Madeline asked sharply. Were those rug burns on her face?

“It was the Swedish Penis Enlarger.” Nikita mumbled incoherently.

“Come again?”

Nikita let out a loud guffaw, her bloodshot eyes blinking rapidly. “Yeah, baby!”

“Did you get the intel?” Operations prodded her impatiently as he gave the demented blonde a wary look.

Nikita hacked disgustingly and fumbled within the folds of her leather coat. By the time she got out the tiny disc, she was gagging loudly.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Operations grimaced at the sickening sound.

Nikita held up a finger to silence him as she lowered her head and coughed and gagged some more. Finally, she leaned forward and slapped the disc into his hand, then spat into it. Operations mouth dropped open in horror as Nikita looked up at him with a goofy grin. “Mission completed.”

Dumbfounded, they watched Nikita limp away, muttering incoherently and as she let out intermittent choking noises.

“What is it?” Operations’ asked, his lips twitching in disgust as he stared down at the saliva-drenched matter in his hand.

Madeline studied the muck in morbid fascination as she raised a quizzical brow. “Looks like a fur ball to me.”

THE END

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