A Moment Out of Time

The sun has just descended behind the clouds and the moon is shining brightly as the stars come out to complete what promises to be a clear and beautiful night. It suits my mood perfectly as I gently sit on the bed and feast my eyes on the beauty of the woman before me. She is lying on her back, her silky hair fanned out over her shoulders in wild disarray, and one of her hands is flung out to the side while the other is lying quietly across her waist. My eyes skim down the beauty of her in the white, satin nightgown she's wearing that exposes more than it conceals, and I barely contain a sigh as I enjoy the sight of the beautiful gift that I've been given.

As I watch her sleep I can feel contentment seep into every pore of my body, and for once I'm fanciful as I wish that this moment would never end. It's been five days since she first showed up to surprise Adam and me with her presence and all three of us have savored every moment we've had together. As if time and distance never separated us we instantly fell into a comfortable family routine from the first day and it hasn't altered since. I can tell that she believes that she will be called back to the Section soon by the ferocity and energy with which she throws herself into every activity the three of us plan. I smile as I realize just how much we've managed to cram into the space of a few short days. I've enjoyed the time we've spent together and nothing could make me happier than to have the memories of most of my dreams coming true right before my eyes.

Adam has been happier, more relaxed ever since she arrived and for that I will always be eternally grateful to her for what she has done. He has blossomed under her loving attention and just yesterday one of my greatest wishes was fulfilled as we all went outside to enjoy the beautiful day. I sat on the grass content to watch the two of them run and play, rolling in the lush green grass, laughing like maniacs. Nikita was almost as childlike as Adam in her simple enjoyment of the beauty around her and their carefree play continued as the day grew warmer, and the two of them became even more boisterous and uncontrolled as we moved from the yard to the swimming pool. Determined not to leave me out of the fun the both of them took delight in grabbing my hands often and yanking me after them in whatever game they happened to be engaged in. The day was long and satisfying as all of us reveled in the excitement of being together without the constant presence of prying eyes waiting to intervene in our activities. For once Section was far away and no thought of them was necessary as we took pleasure in doing what we wanted as the days passed swiftly.

I've surprised even myself with how often and easy it is for me to smile or even laugh at the most inane thing. I marvel at the feeling of joy inside me and recognize that it's the first time I've felt this way. Even in my childhood I don't think that joy was an emotion that was a part of me. As I sit quietly watching her sleep, that feeling of joy, which is rapidly becoming familiar, consumes me as she slumbers on peacefully and undisturbed trusting that I'm near and will be there when she awakens. In some ways she has become like Adam in her need to know where I am every waking moment. Perhaps being apart for so long has made her especially sensitive so that now that she's with me she isn't content unless I'm close by. I admit to myself that her possessiveness...her constant need for me to be close...pleases me for it makes me feel justified in having the same inclinations toward her. Proof of my inability to get enough of looking at her, being with her, loving her is before me as I realize the irony of my sitting up in the middle of the night to watch her as she sleeps. If she were awake she would probably smile at me and suggest a few things to help me sleep. Smiling as I consider what those suggestions would be, there is a small part of me that is glad that she isn't likely to wake up and make them no matter how much I would welcome it because this is the first time in five days that she's actually allowed herself to rest. Despite her valiant attempt to hide her thoughts from me when she thinks I'm not looking, I can tell that she wonders how long her idyllic vacation away from the place she is now responsible for will be.

Everything always comes back to the Section. I know it has been in the back of her mind, even though she has done her best not to let its very dependence on her for its survival intrude on this time that she has with Adam and me. Despite the pain I know I will feel at the thought of her having to leave us once again, I understand and recognize that in this like everything else she has done, no matter how much she despises what she has been asked to do she will still do it if it will save the lives of millions of innocents around her who will never know to thank her for her sacrifices. While this is the one thing I know that I can't save her from, or keep her out of, I still commit myself to doing everything possible to make her happy, content, and most of all loved while she is with me. I will leave no doubt in her mind that my love for her, our love for each other, will never fade no matter the circumstances.

She turns over on her side and smiles quietly in her sleep and I find that I'm happy and relieved to know that at least here her dreams are pleasant ones. Not wishing to wake her I move away from her for the moment and walk over to the desk to retrieve the envelope I saw her lay there earlier before coming to bed. I find myself smiling once again as I remember the conversation we had about it earlier.

"What is that?" I remember asking her quietly as I lay in bed waiting for her to join me.

"A reply." Was all she answered before she smiled that smile of hers that said she had an intriguing secret she wanted me to pry out of her.

"Why did you put it over there?" I asked as expected.

"You can read it later." She replied as she walked slowly towards me. "Right now I want your undivided attention."

My smile widens even further when I found out that my undivided attention was required to read to her a passage out of one of our favorite books. It was a tradition we started a while ago after we had escaped from the Section and ended up on our own for one glorious month. The book I was reading was a book of French poetry we never got to finish because the Section had intruded once again. Nikita had brought it with her and had pulled it out her first evening here and set it down on the nightstand. This was the first night she had asked me to read from it and I suspected it was because she wanted to prolong the moment when I could read the letter she had written to me for as long as she could. Her words were not quite what I expected as she well knew and I remember the bubbling giggles she tried to suppress at her success in surprising me with her request. I could only smile at her teasing as I opened the book and granted her wish while she lay quietly against me and listened to the words I translated as I read them from the page. As I turned the page to read the next passage, light kisses on my shoulder alerted me to the fact that the book had lost its interest. I returned her kisses with forceful ones of my own and the book was forgotten as more intimate words were spoken between us without the need for any translation. She fell asleep in my arms some time later and I remember the peace I felt at being able to hold her close to me without the concern of prying eyes watching our every move.

I held her in the circle of my arms for hours, until I couldn't contain my anticipation any longer, and that's when I got up to read the letter only to be drawn back to her side to absorb the beauty of her as she slept. Watching her sleep made me long to hear her voice, see her eyes, and I knew that now was the time to get the letter she had written especially for me. No longer hesitating and almost impatient to see what it is she had to say I lifted the letter into my hands, walked out onto the moonlit balcony, tore open the envelope, and began to read another one of her love letters to me.

Home Here With You

Michael,

Hello, my love. You've only just begun to read this letter and I already find myself smiling as I imagine you reading the words I've written. I know you will wonder in that sharp, precise mind of yours where I found the time to write amongst mine and Adam's non-stop frenzied pursuit of fun. Would you believe it was during my second night here while you slept? The light from the moon was particularly bright that night as it filtered in through the open balcony doors to gently lay its beams on your handsome face. I woke up after a few hours sleep and turned over in your arms to find you still resting peacefully beside me. I remember reclining on my side to enjoy the sight of you as you slept, and the longer I watched the more I was filled with so many things I wanted to say...needed to say...had to say to you.

The words whirled around in my mind as I continued to watch you, and I savored the sight of you until my feelings, my overwhelming love for you was at the point of exploding. It was then that I carefully eased from your arms, left our bed, made my way downstairs, and logged onto your computer to write this very letter. Waking you never even crossed my mind. Writing to you has become the one constant in my life that never changes no matter where I happen to be. It was the first thing I thought of when I realized I had something important to tell you. Despite the fact that it's in the middle of the night, I find that I'm glad I have this time to continue the tradition you and I have started by writing to one another. So it's here I find myself writing you another love letter, a reply to your beautiful letter to me, to tell you how much I love you. Perhaps you will find it silly of me, but I felt the sudden urge to maintain some semblance of normalcy in our lives even when I have what I want most at this moment because I'm here with you and Adam. I don't want to waste a single moment of the time I've been given so I wait until you're asleep and then I write down all the things I've wanted to say, but haven't gotten a chance to share with you. I find I no longer have the patience to wait for the perfect moment to tell you all that's in my heart. I think tonight I will actually finish this letter I've been adding thoughts to every night that I've been here and plan the perfect time to give it to you to read.

Michael, where do I begin in all that I have to say? It's only been five days since I arrived and yet I feel as if it has been forever. This place is so beautiful, so tranquil, and soothing that I already find my heart aches at the thought of having to leave here for any extended length of time. As I contemplate the beauty and peace surrounding me my thoughts naturally turn to you and Adam. Already I have memories I'll cherish whenever I think of the time the three of us have spent together. I remember my first night here as I watched the two of you together when you went through your nightly father and son routine of preparing Adam for bed. I know I watched with my heart in my eyes as I saw how solicitous, attentive, and gentle you were as you patiently and lovingly read him his favorite story twice, played his favorite song on the cello, and listened to his soft chatter as he asked you all manner of questions before he finally fell asleep. I nearly cried as I saw the deep love for him you held in your eyes, and any doubts I may have had about the choice I made to stay in the Section so that you and Adam could be free disintegrated in that moment when I saw how happy you were at having Adam with you. Ever since that moment I've seen you in a different light, and though I didn't think it was possible I love you even more than I did before. As if you could hear my thoughts as I watched you that night with Adam, you turned to me and allowed me to see that same magnitude of love you held for me. Now it seems that you can't do enough to show me just how much you care for me and I find that I revel in the attention you smother me with.

Your treatment of me is much like your treatment of Adam in that you give us both whatever we want, whenever we want without any thought to pleasing yourself. Section is miles away from my thoughts when you're with me and I realize that I've never been more relaxed than I have since the first day I arrived at our beautiful estate. Perhaps it's your pampering of me. I admit that I had never been spoiled until I met you and to my surprise as independent as I can be, I find that I love the attention you shower upon me. I've never felt more cherished, more wanted, more loved than I have at this very moment when I think of all the little things you've done to take care of me. You've surprised me with breakfast in bed, a roomful of all the colorful paints I like for the sole purpose of allowing me to do whatever I want with the house in the way of decorating, and you continue to gift me with roses...always the roses. Despite my protests even here you surround me with the fragrant blooms as a continued reminder of your love for me. It seems that I'm not the only one who wants to maintain a tradition the both of us have begun with this new life of ours.

All those things meant a great deal to me, my love and yet the one thing that causes all the others to pale in significance is the memory I have of the two of us sealing the vows we finally made to each other so long ago. It only takes the closing of my eyes to see the memory of your walking hand in hand with me as you showed me the estate and then stopped in the midst of a riotous color of flowers and finally placed my beautiful wedding ring on my finger. I think your eyes sparkled more than my diamonds because of the joy that was evident on my face. More and more I find myself replaying the events of each day I've been here and I hold each memory precious to me as the time for us to be together passes swiftly. Those are the thoughts that inevitably make me think of Section, and I'm somewhat surprised to realize that I don't dread going back as much as I once did. I know it's because I've found that this gorgeous place is something I can always look forward to escaping to whenever the world that is the Section becomes too much for me to handle.

As I sit and think about the beauty of my surroundings I realize that this reality of ours, the lives the two of us are living now is more than I expected and less than I wanted in that I can't stay here forever as I want to. When I find my thoughts wondering in the direction of what it would be like to be here surrounded by your love, Adam's love, and the beauty of this place for the rest of our lives the existence of the Section always brings me back to the present and it's all I can do to keep from raging at the injustice of being sentenced to living in a place I never wanted to know existed. I remember telling you not so long ago that the Section was a place that would always be in my head, and it's a statement that has never been more true. Even here in the midst of this beauty and surrounded by the family I thought I would never have, the Section still dominates my thoughts whenever I'm alone because I realize the enormous responsibility I reluctantly carry. How ironic is it that when I'm in Section my thoughts are consumed with you and when I'm here my thoughts seemed to be consumed with the Section? Your advice about living my life split in two has never seemed more appropriate than now. The anger I hold at the unfairness of others deciding what my future should have been, and taking the necessary steps to carry it out successfully fades when I realize that the likelihood of you ever being in my life would probably have never existed if they hadn't interfered. There are pieces of time, long moments when I'm with you and Adam that I can almost forget that the Section is real, but the minute you leave my side it all comes rushing back and I realize that I can never go back on the promise I made to my father.

Although the Section seems like a dark scepter that looms in the background refusing to be banished I finally understand that I'm the only one that has the authority to decide how much control I will let it have over me. I learned that from you, my love. Now I understand how you survived so long and lived through so many tragedies when by all rights a lesser man would have given up on everything long ago. Perhaps its that understanding, that realization that now makes the Section seem like more of a tiresome burden than a bureaucracy that has power over every decision I make concerning the life that I live. I must confess that until I came here to spend time with you there was a small part of me that feared you and I would drift apart, and that you would find someone else to lead your life with instead of coming back to me. Now I know through your assurances, and by just being here that my fears were groundless and that somehow you and I will always remain just as we are now. In just five days I've grown to believe that though this situation we now have is not of my choosing, it can work. The days have been idyllic. The peace here is like nothing I've ever known. You've done all of that for me, Michael and because of it I can now go back to the Section with the full confidence that I have something precious that can never be taken from me no matter what evil I'm faced with in the dark world of Section. So not to worry, my love. Although thoughts of the Section do arrive to cloud what otherwise would be the perfect vacation with my two favorite men in the world, I don't allow them to remain long enough to ruin the time with you I do have. Now you can relax and enjoy your time with me without being concerned about what else you need to do for me to make the Section fade from my mind. Going back is not so hard when I realize that I will always have you and Adam to come back to.

It's getting increasingly late, my love and I will close before you wake up and find that I'm no longer beside you. I laugh at myself when I think of how impatient I am at finding out what your reaction will be to the words I've written to you this time. I think it's the combination of the rare treat of actually being here to witness your reaction and not have to imagine what I hope it might be. All my wishes have been fulfilled since I've been here and this is just one more wish I expect to be granted to make the dream that is now a reality complete. Time is passing swiftly and tomorrow is another day that I will be able to put in my memory bank to take out whenever missing you becomes unbearable. While the ache of being apart from you can never be taken completely away until I no longer have to leave you again, I'm glad to know that I've found the strength to diminish it as long as I remember that my home is always here...with you. I love you, Michael and I look forward to all the time that you and I have together. Now that all the words in my heart are in print, written for you to see, I can rejoin you and savor the feel of your strong embrace holding me close. As I said before, tomorrow is another day and I can't wait to spend it with the two men I love the most.

As Time Swiftly Passes

I stood in the moonlight and read her letter over and over savoring the words she had written. Finally bringing myself to gently refold the pages that held words that would never leave my heart I placed them back in the envelope and walked back into our room. Still slumbering peacefully through the night I watch her for a brief moment before placing my letter on top of the poetry book lying on the nightstand and then I rejoined the woman I love and carefully pulled her into my arms. She comes without resistance, snuggles close as she wraps her arms around me and smiles briefly as she softly mumbles my name. Placing a kiss on her forehead I smile at the contentment I hear in her voice and I close my eyes to rest in her arms prepared to stay that way as long as she desires.

Hours later I awaken to soft kisses on my eyelids and I keep them closed as I murmur a quiet good morning to the beautiful woman that is my wife. The reply I receive is a happy laugh and a fierce hug as she settles beside me now that she has me fully awake.

"I see you read your letter." She says quietly. "You were supposed to wait."

"You said I could read it later." I reply as I turn on my side to study her face.

"Yes, I did." She responds her voice low and husky as she moves her face within inches of mine. "And?"

"And what?." I whisper before I diminish the space between us and seal my words with a kiss.

"What did you think?" She whispers as she barely touches her lips to mine.

"I'll tell you later." I whisper back, mimicking the light teasing kisses she is giving me. "Adam's awake."

She gives me a wide smile as she realizes by my stalling that it's her turn to be teased, and gives me a look that promises retribution before pulling away from me and sitting up in bed just as Adam knocks softly on the door and enters when Niktia tells him to come in. As usual his hands are fisted and he's rubbing the sleep from his eyes and walks toward Nikita's side of the bed to stand quietly beside it. Nikita doesn't give him time to say anything but simply puts her hands under his arms and picks him up to sit him in between us in the bed. Placing a gentle kiss on his forehead she smoothes his hair away from his face and begins the conversation the two of them have had every morning for the past five days.

"So what should we do today?" Nikita asks Adam as he settles his head against her chest.

"Daddy says we should let you choose today." My precious son replies as he looks at me with solemn eyes.

"He did, did he?" Nikita asks as she gives me an admonishing look over the top of Adam's head. "When did he tell you that?"

"Last night." Adam replies completely unaware of the silent conversation going on over his head as I return Nikita's look with a determined one of my own.

"Well, I want to do whatever you want to do." Nikita says after she shakes her head at me and lifts Adam's face to hers as she places a kiss on his forehead.

"Okay." Adam responds happily as he gifts her with a sweet smile.

"Daddy, is that alright?" He asks me after a moment, once again seeking my approval.

"It's fine." I answer him as I reach out to gently caress his cheek.

"Daddy?"

"Yes." I answer as I wait for him to ask the question he seems to be struggling to get out.

"Is Nikita my Mommy now?" He finally asks me quietly.

"Why don't you ask her?" I reply gently as I take in her surprised expression which rapidly fills with tears at Adam's unexpected question.

"Coward." She whispers to me softly as she tries to regain her composure.

"What do you think?" She finally says as she stares into Adam's serious expression.

"I think you are." Adam tells her in that demanding tone of his that dares her to argue.

"Well, then I guess I am." Nikita says after a moment and smiles briefly as Adam seems to be satisfied with her answer.

As if he has finally solved the one problem that has been bothering him, Adam quickly turns his attention to other things. He bounds out of bed tugging at Nikita and me and ordering us to hurry as he chatters happily about what he wants to do that day. The two of us laugh in exasperation at his impatience, but follow obediently in his wake as the three of us prepare for the day.

"We have nine days left." Nikita whispers to me an hour later as we walk outside into the beautiful sunlight.

"Let's make the most of them." I reply quietly as the two of us watch Adam run ahead of us to find the perfect spot to fly the kite he chose as the activity for the day.

"I intend to." She replies in a determined tone before she plants a brief kiss on my cheek and then runs to catch up with Adam.

I watch the two of them together and once again I feel that strange sensation of joy at the happiness that has finally found me in the form of a loving wife who truly understands all of me and loves me anyway, and a beautiful son who accepts his father for the man he is. I think of Nikita's letter and I know that she feels the same towards the both of us. Though our lives are not exactly as we want them right now, at this very moment everything that has transpired over the past five days is all that we could have hoped it would be and more. My only regret is that her time with us can't last longer than the additional nine days that will signal the end of her vacation. But as she said in her letter we will always be the ones that she comes back to when the world that is Section becomes too much for her to bear. I will hold that promise close to my heart, and until the time comes when I can be with her again permanently I will make this place the safe haven she can return to whenever she needs to escape. Her visit has shown the both of us many things. She now understands that my commitment to her is forever and neither time nor distance will change it, and I understand that her commitment to me is the same and that I will always be the one she comes back to. Our dream has finally become a reality and we intend to hold onto as long as possible. The memories we are making will be forever, and nothing will ever change the beauty and joy of what we have shared. And as the days wind down moving ever closer for her to leave us once again, we will continue to make all the beautiful memories that we can... even as time swiftly passes.

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