A Test In Patience

I had just barely closed my eyes when his loud scream pierced the darkness and woke me with its frightening intensity. Without hesitation I was instantly awake and alert. I got up quickly and ran as I had so many times before to his room to wake him from his horrible nightmares. He was sitting up in bed, his little hands balled into fists as he rubbed his eyes with them, holding the tears he was trying so hard not to let fall. I sat down gently on the bed and pulled him to me, soothing him with soft words as his tiny arms inched slowly around my neck until they were hugging me tightly.

"I'm sorry, Daddy." He says to me, his voice full of unshed tears.

"Don't apologize." I command him softly, as my voice constricts. "Daddy's here. It's alright."

He doesn't reply as he buries his sweet face into my neck and begins to cry silently. I stroke my hand soothingly up and down his back and rock him back and forth as I feel my helplessness at not being able to take away his fear and confusion. It's during these episodes that I long for my Beloved the most. For once my desire for her is not selfish. I want her here for him...my beautiful son who needs something more than the inadequate comforting of his awkward father. If she were here she would know the right thing to do, the right thing to say to make his terror-filled nightmares fade away.

I can remember the times that she did the same with me, and the horrible gripping nightmares I used to experience. All I can remember about those dark dreams is that they quickly faded in the glow of her comforting warmth and love as she reached for me in the night, holding me close until I could no longer remember the horror that had been before my eyes as I slept. Sighing deeply at the ineffectiveness of wishing for something that can't be right now, I continue to soothe Adam the best way I know how. The past few days have been difficult for both Adam and me. Constant nightmares, followed by long sleepless nights are beginning to take its toll on both of us. I find myself longing for the day when he can sleep peacefully through the night like so many children his age without the fear of being visited by shadows of gruesome events that were never meant to be seen by a child.

A few minutes later, Adam's small arms go slack and I know that he's fallen into an exhausted but restful sleep. Gently, I lay him back down in the bed, cover him up, and smooth his tangled hair away from his eyes as I continue to watch him to assure myself that this time his sleep is peaceful and absent of all the night terrors he experiences so often. When he turns his small body away from me and continues to breath deeply, I quietly stand to my feet and exit his room, leaving his door slightly ajar so I can hear him should he need me again. Although I've only had a few hours sleep, I find that I'm wide-awake and quite reluctant to go back to sleep now that Adam is resting peacefully. Realizing that it's going to be another night like so many other long, lonely nights I've spent, I walk back into our bedroom and spend the remaining hours until morning as I have so many times before...thinking of her...my beautiful Nikita.

As the dawn breaks I hear the slow, reluctant steps of small feet heading toward our room and entering it for the first time since we've been here in this luxurious house. I turn just in time to see him standing just inside the door, brown solemn eyes looking up at me with regret and apprehension. He seems hesitant... as if he's unsure of me somehow, not knowing what his welcome will be because he woke me from my sleep in his need for me last night. In that moment, I'm reminded of her...how she would approach me unsure of her reception...longing clear in her eyes as she came to me with some problem, and not knowing whether I would help her or betray her once again. I do with Adam what I was never fully able to do with her until years later, when our need for each other overrode any commands I was given to keep her at a distance. I kneel down and stretch out my arms invitingly. He doesn't hesitate as he runs forward and hugs me tightly, sighing softly as if he's relieved that his father isn't angry. My heart constricts in pain as I realize how insecure he must be. I left his life so abruptly and reappeared just as abruptly and the father he thought he knew is different from the man he's living with now. The realization is one I can't change and once again my thoughts shift to Nikita as I wonder what advice she would give me now to ease my precious son's mind that the father he knew then is the same man who loves him now more than he did before.

As if he knows I'm thinking of her, he extricates himself from my grip, looks around the room, and then walks over to one of the numerous pictures I have of her and gently strokes his fingers down the side of her beautiful face.

"I miss Nikita too." He confesses to me softly. "Is that okay, Daddy?"

"Yes, it's okay." I tell him as I walk over to stand next to him as he continues to look at her picture.

"Mommy won't mind?" He asks, his voice full of concern that he might be somehow betraying Elena at his admission that he misses someone other than her.

"No." I tell him gently. "Mommy won't mind."

"Good." He answers quietly as he moves away to another picture of her smiling, her eyes sparkling with suppressed laughter.

His reply doesn't surprise me but confirms what I knew all along. Once again she has managed to make a lasting impression on a little boy who only knew her for a brief time. His words comfort me somewhat as I realize that without my having to explain he seems to understand how much she means to me and accepts it without question.

"When is Nikita coming to see us, Daddy?" He asks after a moment.

"Soon." I answer quietly hoping I'm right in my answer.

He simply nods as I answer him and then he picks up the photo he seems to have taken a particular liking to. Looking up at me with apprehension in his eyes as if he knows the magnitude of the question he's about to ask and again unsure of my response he looks down at his feet before he chooses to speak.

"May I have this one, Daddy?"

I close my eyes briefly as I fight to regain my voice, momentarily stolen from me by the apprehension in his voice. As if he understands how possessive I am about her, and doesn't know if I'll give him a keepsake of the woman we both love, although I've never denied him anything he's ever wanted before.

"Of course." I finally manage, and he rewards me with a small smile before he runs back to his room with his picture wrapped securely in his arms and pressed close to his chest.

I follow behind him at a slower pace and watch from the doorway as he carefully places the picture next to his picture of Elena on his nightstand that Walter sent just for him at my request. After he arranges them just so, sitting them side by side, he turns to me with a solemn look on his face asking me without question what I think.

"They look nice." I tell him gravely.

He nods satisfied at my response and I know that my approval was all he wanted. He seems happier than he did when he first awoke, but the shadows under his eyes tell me he hasn't quite forgotten the dark dreams of the night. I decide that today should be a day for him, and I walk over to his closet with him close on my heels as we begin our early morning ritual of getting dressed, making his bed, and planning our activities for the day.

The day becomes a trying one and my inability to comfort him becomes a source of frustration, as the fear he tries to hide never truly leaves his expression. Wherever I go he follows me, clings to me as if he is afraid that I'll disappear and he will be left alone to fight the terror he so often sees by himself. Nikita...my heart cries out for her loudly. I need her and I'm not ashamed to confess that I'm not as perfect as everyone thought. I can't do this alone and there is only one woman who knows how much it hurts me to admit that I'm not the one my son truly needs. He needs her, the love of my life, the woman that knows me better than anyone, the one that understands how inadequate and frustrated I feel at my inability to be mother and father to a son who was used to having both.

Thinking that walking outside will help us both regain some semblance of peace after nights of wearisome struggles to overcome shadows of the past, I hold out my hand and he takes it trustingly and we walk outside into the glorious sunlight. It appears a weight lifts from him and he grabs his favorite ball he keeps by the front door and begins to run and play, kicking the ball in front of him, becoming the incorrigible child I used to know. I sit down by one of the tall trees surrounding this lush estate and I watch him play, relieved that for once he seems content to play and there are no dark shadows to come and haunt him. Knowing that he's lost to the beauty of the day, and the freedom of being able to run free, I take the few moments of solitude I've been given and as they often do my thoughts return to my lovely wife...my Nikita.

Content for the moment, I lean my head back against the tree and I close my eyes, imagining her there in the park I knew she wouldn't be able to resist, reading my words to her and hoping that they will help her do what she needs to do to concentrate on the job she was trained for. Through her last letter to me I can tell by what she doesn't say how afraid she really is of having the lives of the people she fought so hard to save in her hands. I understand how she feels as I open my eyes to watch Adam as he runs by. My concern for him returns and while I find it simple to offer the woman I love the encouragement she needs to focus and do the job she unwillingly took on, I can't find it within myself to have that same confidence for myself.

I realize how tired I really am when I figure out I've misjudged the time of day and my reflections are abruptly cut short as the sound of a van approached the gates. Although I've been living on the estate for almost three months, I'm still being relatively cautious of Adam's safety and mine. I have managed to remain completely isolated and hidden from all of the special delivery services that make daily or weekly trips to my front door as they drop off various items, for standing orders I setup under an anonymous name. My nearest neighbor is a half an hour drive in any direction and I find that it's the perfect arrangement for both Adam and me to find the peace and solitude we need right now. Although the delivery services are very competent and don't spend any time dropping off their packages and leaving, being cautious has been ingrained in me and it comes as second nature even out here in the middle of the country to call to Adam and direct him into the house while I follow quickly behind him. Just as the both of us get into the house the delivery van comes through the gates and drives up the long curving drive to stop at the front door. I watch through the side window as the man gets out with my normal bulky package of mail. He runs up the steps, places the package by the door and then quickly gets into his van and leaves just as quickly as he came.

Once I see the van is out of sight, I slowly open the door and retrieve the package more than a little excited at the thought of what might be inside. Adam follows behind me, but stops at the door as he realizes that I'm about to take the package into the study...a room he's never wanted to enter. As usual, I hold out my hand in silent invitation and he gently takes it as he follows me into the study and looks around in curiosity. Apparently satisfied and comforted at the quiet elegance of the surroundings he sees he lets go of my hand and walks away from me. I watch him with a slight smile on my face as he carries a handheld computer game in with him to contentedly sit in front of my desk and play while I sit down at the desk and open the package to sort through the mail I've just received.

It was only fitting that after a long night and a rocky morning I would receive the one thing guaranteed to lift my troubled spirit. Perhaps my last letter conveyed more of my struggle than I intended, or maybe she knew that I felt myself running out of options and that maybe my decisions concerning Adam weren't as well intentioned as I had meant for them to be. Whatever the reason her second letter came at a time when I needed it most. Knowing that Adam is happily occupied I lean back in my chair, extract the thick sheets, and open them up to read her second love letter to me.

Comforted, Loved...Still Missing You.

Michael,

Hello, my love. Once again I find myself surrounded by a bower of flowers, their sweet fragrance heady and intoxicating. Of course it's the perfect setting for writing a love letter to the one who was generous enough to arrange such a gift for no other reason than to make me feel special and loved. I never knew you could be so extravagant. Though I love the gift, how practical are you being my love? Spending hundreds of dollars every week just to provide me with fresh roses as evidence of your love for me is a bribe I would never demand of you if all you want is my promise to continue to send replies to your beautiful letters to me. Nevertheless, I know how stubborn you can be so I will say thank you graciously for the gift, and hope you find something a little less expensive to surprise me with next time.

As I look around my room and wonder where to begin in all that I have to say to you I admit that the roses are wonderful, and I love how you spoil me. Even Walter is suitably impressed by your romantic gestures and I didn't think it was possible to impress him any more than you already had. I think he misses you more than he will ever admit to me and I've promised to tell you what a good man he thinks you are. Despite his joking protestations about all the gyrations he has to go through to get the roses into my room without my knowing or anyone else noticing, I think he secretly enjoys playing cupid. He says it's worth it if he can help us to become the first couple to maintain a long distance relationship with no sign of a break up in sight. I think he was hinting, and I didn't bother to inform him he has no cause to worry on either side. I think I realized a long time ago that there is no one else out there who would even begin to understand, accept, and love me as you do. I also know that you feel the same, and that makes every day I have to live in this place without you more bearable. Sometimes I wonder if a year from now you'll still feel the same when you meet some beautiful woman who wants nothing more than to make you and Adam happy. Most women are suckers for a beautiful man whose raising his equally beautiful son all alone. I should know since I include myself in that category when you're the beautiful man and Adam is the beautiful son. I shouldn't worry, I know, after all the manipulations and relationships we've been through over the years and our love has done nothing but grow stronger. As long as you continue to tell me you love me and continue to write your wonderful letters, I know that your heart still belongs to me.

I dreamed of you last night as I always do. I look forward to these dreams because they make me feel closer to you somehow. Isn't it funny how our dreams reflect one another's state of mind? In my nightly dreams of you, you're always so sure, so strong as you take me in your arms and hold me fiercely as if you never intend to let me go. Sometimes you're smiling and other times...well, other times you're looking at me in that way you have that tells me without words your plans only include the two of us. But my dream of you last night was nothing like the ones I usually have. In it I held you tightly in the circle of my arms while you held on to me just as tightly although that haunted, driven look, as if you were trying to escape from something, never left your expression. It's the look you held when Adam...and Elena were first taken away from you when your blood cover mission was over. I remember it well for it was a look I longed to take away and never see again. The memory will be with me always for it was the one time in my life when I despaired of ever reaching you. It was only my fierce determination, and the unwavering knowledge that I had even then that living without you, knowing that I would never lay eyes on you again was something I would never be able to get over. It was that knowledge that drove me to the extremes I went to in order to bring you back to me. But even all of that can't compare to the deep sadness I sense in you right at this moment, and suddenly I realize that my dream is about something else entirely.

I find that I'm reminded of a memory I've been struggling to let go of, and it has everything to do with the second time you lost Adam. The time when I dared to tell you I would do everything I could to protect both Adam and Elena but managed to fail you and them anyway, and Section managed to rip them away to a place that even you couldn't discover. It's against this memory of you that I struggle with when I understood that you realized that you would never see Adam ...or Elena again. I can forgive myself now that you're with Adam, although I couldn't even think of forgiving myself then when I knew I was an instrument in causing you the deepest pain possible. I can't help but think that had it not been for my arrogance, and, yes, also my jealousy, that none of the nightmares Adam is experiencing would have ever taken place. You wouldn't have been forced to find a way to come back into the Section, so that you could bargain with Paul Wolfe and my father for the location of your son. And Elena... maybe Elena wouldn't have been in the wrong place at the wrong time to have her life prematurely ended by someone who obviously didn't appreciate the gift of life he had been given. All of these things run through my mind and I marvel that you still forgave me in spite of it. Your quickness to forgive me especially in light of my seeming unforgiveness of you at times makes me wonder again how it is that you still manage to love me so deeply when I think of all the cruelty I've been capable of, especially towards you. I guess the saying is true that you hurt the ones that you love. As has become our motto, how twisted is that? Still what I've learned of you and the happy times we have shared somehow makes all the hurt, pain, guilt, and sacrifices worth it if in all of this you have been given the one thing you've wanted most, and that's to see Adam grow up to be a man as strong, beautiful, and caring as his father. That's why I know my words will reach you, and that haunted look you're trying so hard to shield from me in your letters and from Adam because of your inability to banish his nightmares will be taken away once again.

I often imagine the two of you and I smile as I realize that while I hate it that I'm not there with the two of you, I'm happy that you have the opportunity to be with Adam as you've always wanted. You have no idea how much I want to be there with you if only to admonish you for how impatient you're being with yourself. You have to give yourself time, my love, to get used to what you have now. How could you know that you would be given the opportunity to spend the rest of your life with Adam? You're such a perfectionist and while I understand that your inability to ease Adam's nightmares makes you feel frustrated and inadequate when planning a full scale assault on one of Section's most deadliest enemies was something you could do in your sleep, it doesn't mean that you're not giving Adam exactly what he needs. You're supplying him with all the love he needs by picking him up, holding him tight, and letting him know how much you love him. I remember vividly the times when you held me close to you, silent and strong as always, not offering words but simply giving me the comfort of your arms whenever my conscious got the best of me, and I wondered how I could go on living the life Section forced me to lead. As you so often used to tell me, be patient, Michael and just know that what you're doing for Adam is having more effect on erasing the horrors he's seen than any words you could express. While I know that raising Adam alone was not in your plans, and it makes it more difficult for you when you can't take away the horror of the atrocities he should have never had to experience, that is no reason for you to blame yourself for everything that's happened. As much as I love you I sometimes wonder why it is that you persist in taking the weight of the world on your shoulders. No one has the ability to heap coals of guilt on their heads and castigate themselves more than you do. After your encouraging words to me I can do no less for you, my love, especially when you're being harder on yourself than you should be. It's the confidence that I have in you to listen to me because you know that I believe in you that enables me to say these words to you and tell you what you need to hear. You weren't exactly given very many options when it came to the decisions you made once you were inside the Section. How could you have refused to do as Section ordered, when you knew that Simone would bear the brunt of the punishment if you had declined. It took me a long time to realize how difficult a decision it was for you to make and your concern was never for yourself. You had no choice when it came to what Section ordered you to do. How many times did you tell me that before I finally understood? The magnitude of just how much you sacrificed to save the people you loved makes me love you more than I ever thought possible and that will never change. That's why I can say that I know that Adam loves you just as much as I do. What Adam needs right now he has, and that's the beautiful, loving, sensitive man who just happens to be his father. Despite what you think you're the most loving father a son could ever hope to have and Adam as small as he is understands that even more than you do. Your instinct has never failed you, and you are giving Adam and me exactly what we need. Accept that and continue to be the wonderful husband and father the both of us know you to be.

As I write this and think of you and Adam I find myself struggling to remember what it is I've promised to do while all the while I think of how much better life would be if I was there with the two men I love the most. The more I think of it the more I want to push everyone here to the limits of their endurance so that I can come and be with the two of you. While I know that my attitude for doing so is merely a selfish one I know that both you and Walter would applaud my tactics were I to do such a thing. You're both so often reminding me that I'm the one in charge and I can set any rules I want to, I find that the idea is no longer as appalling to me as it used to be if it will provide me with the one thing I want most in the world. I miss you so much, Michael. I imagine you and Adam together, running, playing, and laughing and it's at those times that I find myself actually considering going back out into the field to obliterate the Collective myself. They deserve what they get for many reasons, but I admit that I want them obliterated from the face of the earth for the sole crime of keeping me away from my family one minute longer than I want to be. It usually takes me a while, but I quickly come back to my senses and I know that as much I hate it we will have to wait to see each other just a little while longer.

There is so much more that I want to tell you but I will save it for my next letter, and spend the rest of the time I do have preparing for the briefing I can't put off any longer. I'll attempt to keep my focus on the job at hand although I know that my thoughts will stray as they so often do to the two of you thinking and longing of me as I think and long for the two of you. While, I miss you more than I can say, I know that the time is moving ever closer for me to be able to come and be with the two of you. Keep expecting me, my love. I may even surprise you by hand delivering my next letter to you and take joy in seeing you read the words I've written to you. It's a lovely dream I intend to have come true. In the meantime I will look forward to your reply to me and the wonderful words I know you'll have for me when you see the beautiful gift that I have for you and Adam. I think it's past time for me to send a gift to you and I know you will have to no choice but to write me back and thank me very graciously for thinking of you. Between the two of us, Walter will be well taken care of in the personal favors department. As much as I hate to I have to go, Michael. Goodbye my love. I think of you always. I love you.

My Gift For You

I read her words to me several more times before I finally folded the paper closed and placed them gently back in it's envelope. What she has written to me is permanently imbedded on my mind and the comfort and encouragement of her words are etched on my heart as I cherish all she has told me. Once again she has pulled me back from my dark thoughts and elevated my flagging spirit with her confidence in me. I realize that her ability to see in me what I've never been able to see in myself is one of the reasons I love her so much.

As I study Adam who hasn't moved from the floor since we entered the room I continue to replay her words in my mind. While her longing to drop her duties and race to my side is evident, I know that somehow my letter must have helped her because the hopeless desperation has left her tone to be replaced by resigned determination to do what she has to do. I think of her comments concerning Walter and I surprise myself by my desire to want to laugh out loud at her words. The fact that her sense of humor has returned tells me more than anything that the depression she's been fighting since the months we've been apart has lifted and now she's spending more of her time becoming the commander the Section needs. In an odd way that fact alone comforts me because I know that she's focused on reestablishing the smooth running of the Section for the sole purpose of being able to hand over the reigns for a while and head straight to Adam and me.

The sound of tires on the gravel surprise me out of my musings, and I quickly run to the window to see who it is. My surprise increases when I see that it's a special delivery truck that's not on my list of regular companies that service the area. Thinking of Nikita's last words about a gift for Adam and me, I smile as I realize she's actually decided to begin sending me gifts as well. Despite Walter's resolve to keep his secrets to himself concerning his ability to get her my gifts anonymously, it's obvious he gave in to her pleading and probably promptly divulged his secrets in order to help her send something to me. I continue to watch from the window as the driver heads to the back of the van to wrestle out a huge box that is almost as tall as he is. A few minutes later he carefully arranges the package on the front door step, before turning swiftly away to get back in his van, and race down the driveway almost as abruptly as he arrived. More than curious to see what it is she's managed to buy for me. I leave Adam in the study and go to the front door to retrieve the package from my Beloved. I carried the heavy box back into the study and for once Adam is distracted as he abandons his game and runs over to stand quietly by me as I lay the box carefully on the floor and slowly begin to unwrap it. As I move the flaps aside and gaze down into the box I close my eyes briefly and my heart constricts at the beauty of what she has gifted the two of us with. Gently, reverently, I slowly lift out the beautiful cello and bow and lean up against the desk as I lightly run my fingers down the detailed, hand crafted, gorgeous instrument. I can tell just by looking that it's the finest one available and the most expensive one that has ever been made. Barely able to take my eyes off the wonderful gift I look back in the box and am not at all surprised to find the small flat envelope lying on the bottom. Pulling it out, I carefully tear it open and read the words written within.

Hello again, my love. As promised here is the lovely gift I sent for you and Adam. I was sure that this would help the both of you find the peaceful sweet dreams that you have been seeking. As you've probably already guessed I sent Walter on a quest to find the best, top of the line, cello maker that would make a musician from the most revered orchestra in the world turn green with envy just to look at it. I would say he did a good job if the picture he came back with was any indication. I'll know by your next letter to me whether or not you were pleased. Start playing again, Michael. Play for you, for Adam and for me. In our beautiful estate, I know you had the forethought to set aside a music room and I look forward to hearing you play for me and for Adam in that room when I come. Enjoy the gift, my love and know that this is the greatest symbol I could find to express how much I love you. Remember you're never far from my thoughts and I think of you always. I love you.

I fold the beautiful note and once again focus my gaze on the beautiful piece of craftsmanship before me. What she has given me expresses more than any words just how much she loves me and it is more priceless than the wonderful flowers I send to her each week. I look to Adam and at his words I realize that Nikita knew better than I what the both of us needed.

"Will you play it for me, Daddy?" He asks as he reaches out his small hands to lightly touch the beautiful wood.

"Of course." I answer softly. "Later, before you go to bed."

"Alright." He answers quietly. Satisfied at my response he returns to his game and I continue to stare at my gift as my thoughts return to my Beloved.

I begin to smile slightly as I think of her reaction to the extravagance of my latest gift to her when all along she had planned to gift me with something so beautiful. I can actually hear the chiding tone in her voice as she wonders if I'm being practical in my never ending quest to make her happy and send her remembrances that will remind her how much I love her. She would be amazed to realize that money is the least of my concerns. The investments I've made as well as the two extremely generous checks I just received for a job I completed a few days ago, is enough to put Adam through the best college twenty times over, and still have enough left to buy us our own private island somewhere. I smile as I envision the look on her face were I to present her with that particular gift next. Smiling at the thought, I make a mental note to make the suggestion in my next letter to her especially after what she has just given me. I know there is a glint in my eye as I look forward to her response, realizing that although we're miles apart I haven't lost my mischievous need to tease her. She was always an easy target for me, and once she began to know me better she soon picked upon my secret joy at her responses to my subtle teasing and began to respond in kind. It was a game we played often, and as her nature dictated was as bold in her teasing of me as I was as subtle in my teasing of her. Walter would say I was a glutton for punishment once she began to play the game for she succeeded in outwitting me more often than I outwitted her, proof of her cleverness stands before me in the form of the cello she's given me. Of all the gifts she could have given me this one is the one that truly touches my heart, and it tells me that despite everything she has come to know me just as well as I know her.

I think of the little, light teasing games we used to play with each other and I begin to miss her all the more. I remember her responses were always so unique and so unexpected and did nothing but make me want her more. I think of those times with happiness, one of the few times I actually enjoyed being in Section if only because I knew no one else understood the special, if unnerving communication we had established. Thoughts of the way we communicated...often without words but with our eyes conveying everything we couldn't say makes me realize how far the two of us have come. Now there's nothing we can't say to one another, nothing we can't share, and I force myself to be patient and wait for the day where we can talk to one another again, face-to-face, long into the night. I promise myself I will tell her these things and make her understand that no matter how much time passes I know there will never be anyone else for me. They are words she needs to hear when I think about the doubts she expresses about my finding someone else. It will never happen. I know this as sure as I know that I will treasure forever her thoughtfulness to me in the gift she's sent. I will tell her all of this and more when I respond to her priceless letter to me. Then I'll write another letter...one that I'll keep as a surprise for when she comes...and just as she dreams of me reading one of her letters while she enjoys the pleasure of my response...I will make both of our dreams come true by gifting her with a letter from me while I enjoy the pleasure of hers. That time is coming soon and my heart lifts at the prospect as I reach out my hand to Adam and the two of us head to the music room where I will find a special spot for the wonderful treasure the woman of our hearts has sent to make the time away from her more bearable. I can actually allow myself to smile because I know in my heart that the time away from her will not be for much longer.

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