Thinking of You

I passed by ordnance for the fifth time that day and tried to act nonchalant as I slowed my steps and gave a careless wave to Walter who in turn gave me a knowing look. If his expression was any indication I guess I wasn't doing a very good job of hiding my anxiousness at wanting to know if he had left anything in my quarters for me from my Michael. It's funny we've only exchanged one letter to each other and already I wake up each day anticipating his reply to the first one I sent to him. I never thought of myself as someone who could express themselves through pen and paper, but if I've learned anything in this place it's how to adapt when the situation calls for it. Whatever the reason, I'm glad because any form of communication with the man I love is better than none at all.

Walter shakes his head at me to let me know he hasn't received anything and I do my best to hide the crestfallen expression I know is written all over my face.

"Its only been two days, Sugar." He says as a way to comfort me.

"I know, Walter." I reply, smiling to myself at the endearment he still insists on using despite my new position as Operations. He's one of the few people in this place whose attitude toward me hasn't changed. He's still my center, the one that keeps me grounded and I need that now more than anything, especially with Michael so far away from me.

"The briefing is in another hour, Walter." I inform him quietly. "I'll be in my quarters if an emergency comes up."

As I walk away I can feel Walter's concerned gaze follow me, and there is nothing I can do to ease his agitation. I've long ago given up lying to myself and I can't pretend that my emotions aren't in a turmoil, despite the fact that I'm supposed to be this cold, emotionless creature who exists only for the whim of those in power over me. I find myself in a constant state of depression and I don't know how to get out of it. I haven't felt like this since the first time Michael let me go all those years ago, when he realized that if he didn't I would do something irrevocable like take my own life. I'm past all of that now, but it's only because I know that all is not lost. Besides, Michael would never forgive me or understand if I did such a thing. Everything and everyone he has ever loved has left him, except for Adam and me. I couldn't add to the long list of loss he's already suffered no matter how much I think that oblivion would end all of the pain. I also know that were he aware of my thoughts at this moment he wouldn't be too pleased with me. I smile as I think of the stern expression he would give me...I know the look well since it's one I received often during my early days of recruitment. It's amazing at how something like that particular look used to distress me now brings me a small amount of joy. Seeing his face in any expression brings me some happiness even if my heart does clench in that familiar painful longing I'm beginning to know so well.

I finally reach my quarters and tears flood my eyes as they see the signs of Walter's concern and devotion to me. On my nightstand next to my slowly wilting roses there is a picture of him...of Michael...my husband...my love. His eyes have that beautiful, knowing gleam in them as he appears to be staring at something that amuses him, and he's trying to suppress his wonderful smile. I slowly reach out my hand and run my fingers lightly down the beloved face and I close my eyes as I imagine what his expression would be like as he reads my reply to his beautiful letter to me. Those thoughts lead to others and I sigh deeply as I wonder if he knows just how much he's been on my mind lately.

I wonder if he knows how often I think of him and Adam and wonder what they're doing. I wonder if he realizes how much I miss him, long for him, want him near me despite the fact that I was the one that told him to get as far away as possible from this life draining dreary place. I wonder if he realizes just how much I want to run to him, go back on my word and never see this place again. As I mentally review the contents of my letter to him I know that he probably realizes all of these things and more. After all he is Michael, the man that knows me better than I know myself. He was always attuned to my every thought. I know in my heart that if he could he would move heaven and earth if that is what it took to ease my pain, just as I would for him. I also know that he realizes by the things I didn't say how lonely and melancholy I really am without him.

If I didn't know that he would be hurt if I tried to hide my real feelings from him I wouldn't share my innermost thoughts just so he could be spared some pain. Only the knowledge that he feels the same and tells me the truth no matter how hurtful it might be for me to hear allows me to share with him in the exact same way. The time is past for us to hide our feelings, shut off our emotions, and make every attempt to hide from each other. Now all we have is the truth and while that may not seem like much to some, it's everything to us.

Lost in thoughts of him and holding the picture of his beautiful face in my hand, the buzzing of my door brings me out of my pleasant reverie to alert me to the fact that someone in the Section seems to need my attention. Sighing at the disturbance, but glad for the brief respite I did have, I punch in the code to unlock my door and allow the intruder to enter. Considering my thoughts of him were doing nothing to lighten my depression, I could barely understand the reason for Jade's beaming smile as she walked into my room and revealed herself as the intruder on my time of peace away from the day to day chaos of the Section. I was on the verge of telling her I could use some more time to myself when I glanced at what she held in her hand. Suddenly the cloud of depression lifted and my heart gave a little leap as I realize what it is she's holding and just why she appears so thrilled. I offer her a genuine smile, recognizing what a wonderful friend she is because of the happiness she freely shows all for me as she hands me the small white envelope from the man that I love.

"Walter received the message a few minutes after you left." She says to me softly. "He followed Michael's instructions and went to get it for you."

Eagerly taking the envelope from her, I quickly rip it open to find another silver key and a two-line note that details a location. I know the area he has detailed and I look at Jade frustration evident on my face as I realize I don't have enough time before the briefing to go retrieve and read my long awaited reply. Without being told, Jade understands what I'm feeling and understands how important this is to me.

"Go." She commands me gently. "I can handle the briefing. For once it's a simple retrieval. A few hours away from the Section won't make much difference."

Giving her a tight hug in heartfelt gratitude I rush off not bothering to give Section a second thought. As I summoned my tiresome bodyguards and we head toward the location he has given me, I barely curb my impatience as the driver brings me to my destination. I was swinging the door to the car open before it came to a complete stop. Racing into the small post office I quickly locate the required box, use my key, and extract the thick white envelope meant for me. Emerging into the sunlight, I look up to see a beautiful, secluded park just across the street and I realize why Michael chose this post office as the location to leave his reply. Not bothering to acknowledge my bodyguards who followed wherever I lead, I ran across the street and located a private park bench where I sat down, opened the envelope, and began to read his second love letter to me.

I'm With You

Nikita,

Hello, Beloved. I hope this letter finds you well in body if not exactly in spirit. Forgive me for the varying locations of your letters, but I thought you might like the view from the pick up point. If I know you you're in a beautiful spot surrounded by the trees, with the sunlight filtering through the leaves as you read my words to you. If I'm right then take a moment to absorb the view around you and then imagine something ten times more beautiful and you will have a vivid picture of the beautiful estate I brought for you. I can picture you so clearly as you read, hearing my voice saying the words aloud and letting them vibrate through to your very soul that the picture is forever etched on my memory. Some would say I'm being arrogant, but I know you'll understand what I mean. Perhaps I describe it so well because that's exactly what I did when I received your reply.

You will never know the joy I felt at seeing the white envelope that came for me. I can admit now that I was partially afraid that you would feel that even by writing to me you would somehow endanger two of the people you love the most. I'm glad you overcame your more protective instincts and wrote to me anyway. I'll confess now that I even engineered another gift I know you'll love, and yes it's a bribe so that you will continue to answer my letters to you. If nothing else you'll feel compelled to tell me thank you, and all the favors I owe Walter will be worth it.

I dreamed of you last night. I dream of you every night, but this dream was different because instead of seeing your lively cerulean eyes teasing me, and witnessing your beguiling smile, I saw you as you seemed in your letter...sad...lonely...and unsure. I can feel you grieving no matter how many miles separate us and I remember that your tears always made me want to move the world and give you everything you desired so that you would never cry again. It distresses me more than I can say to know that I can't be there to wrap my arms around you and comfort you...shelter you from the intense pressure of those who don't understand you as I do. Everyday I realize how difficult this separation is going to be for the both of us, and I fight to hold on to the reasons why we have to be apart for awhile. I often find myself planning everything we're going to do together the moment I see you again. I tell myself that though I'm not there, it doesn't mean I'm not with you. That's the one reason I can offer you this advice and know that you'll understand what it is I'm saying to you.

You must focus Beloved. I know the job is difficult, but that doesn't mean you're not the right person for it. Your sense of fair play, your loving nature, and your own code of honor will always help you make the right decision. Your fears of becoming like Paul Wolfe are unnecessary. It will never happen because you don't have it in you to foster the kind of cruelty he was so good at. Despite what you believe, in this one thing your father was correct, your lack of ambition for the perch makes you the perfect person to command it because you will always keep the concerns for the operatives who serve you first. While I don't agree with your father's methods, his reasoning makes as you said a twisted sort of sense. As far as your unfair and unjust criticism of yourself in your thoughts towards me when I held the Perch, they are in a word, ridiculous. As much as I love you, I sometimes wonder where you come up with the misguided ideas that your judgements of some of my actions were overly harsh when I rarely showed you anything else but my capability to be evasive, deceitful, ruthless, and cruel. The fact that I taught you how to be all of those things makes me hate the control I allowed the Section to have over me. When I think of some of the things I put you through I marvel at how I could be granted the beautiful gift of your love. That you don't hate me is a miracle I will always be grateful for, and I would cut off my right arm before I would ever harm you again. It's also this knowledge that you've forgiven me and that you're able to do this without me that strengthens me....helps me hold it together when the only thing I want to do is abandon what I've established for Adam and me and head straight back to you. So it is with love that I tell you again that you must focus, Nikita. I know you can do this. Use what I taught you, and become what you need to become in order to lead the Section back to the success it once had without fear of turning into anyone less than the woman that I love. No one will fault you, least of all me for doing what you have to do. So do what you have to do, and know that my love for you will never fade. And, when the job gets to be too much...the choices you're forced to make more than you can live with...then come to me if only for a little while. Just remember that Adam and I are here waiting for you.

He asked for you again today. He seems to have some inner knowledge that tells him you'll be here to see us soon. I hope for both our sakes that this is true. I watch him play sometimes and then he'll stop and stare at something only he can see. That's when I know he's remembering all that's happened to him. I know he remembers his mother trying to explain my supposed death, then he remembers a stranger telling him about Elena's real death, then he replays the death of Operations, and finally he turns to look at me as if he's only realizing that my death never happened. I know what he imagines, what he sees, and his fears because his nightmares wake me up in the middle of the night and he yells aloud what he sees in his tormented sleep. Then he wakes up to my arms pulling him close and it seems as if the only thing he remembers is the fear of his dreams but not what he can see in them. It's during the day that his nightmares come back to him when he's concentrating on something else and he pauses like a small statue as the horrible visions bombard him one after the other. I'm right there with him, seeing what he sees and I grieve at all the death he has seen in his short life. His torment is so painful to watch and it's at those times that I truly hate what I've done and I hate what I allowed myself to become. I love him so much yet I can't help but wish that I would have had the courage to refuse the Section. I should have told them to cancel me before giving in to their orders to have a child to solidify the all important blood cover they deemed it necessary for me to participate in. If I could somehow erase what he has seen, then I would do whatever it took to do so, if only to ease his suffering. What have I done Nikita? How do I explain so much death and pain to a child who should have never had to experience such a thing? Maybe this is my punishment for daring to think that I could atone for all the wrong I've done during my life. I would gladly suffer every torment imaginable if only it would take away the horrible memories my precious son fights to overcome every night.

It's at those times that although I wonder at how you can love a man like me, I'm grateful that you do and I miss you all the more because of it. I'm his father and I don't know what to do, or how to help him forget. I suppose it's selfish of me, but I never expected or wanted to have to do this alone. Somehow I always expected that you would be here to help me help Adam with this. I need you so much, if only to direct me, guide me, sooth me, and reassure me that I'm doing the right thing with Adam. He seems to recognize the doubts I have about the wisdom of the choices I make concerning him because it's then... when I'm thinking of the advice you would give me... that Adam comes to me and we comfort each other while we long for the one woman who can make everything right again. That woman is you, Nikita and I don't even pretend to understand how or why Adam seems to understand and want the same thing. I just know that he does. I know he loved Elena, but unlike my death that wasn't really a death, he seems to accept and understand that she is never coming back. I guess that knowledge somehow helps him cope better, and so he again adopts the attitude of his father and we both long for you.

The sun is beginning to shine my love and today I promised Adam he could help me with my latest project by reading numbers to me off a blueprint of a new building I'm supposed to be suggesting security improvements for. I know that when we finish he'll want to enjoy the beautiful green landscape he has all to himself. As he runs and plays, I'll watch and once again imagine you there with us...lying on the blanket of springy, lush grass, recently nurtured by the fresh spring rain. It's a picture I see daily and one that I hope will become reality very soon. And when you come, I'll enjoy the pleasure of placing my ring on your finger, holding you close to me, and whispering words of love to you for as long as you want to hear them. Until that time, know that I think of you constantly, and my love for you grows stronger every day. Goodbye for now, Beloved and remember that I'm right there with you. I love you.

A While Longer

As had become my habit, I read the letter again and again until every word was imbedded unforgettably in my memory and on my heart. Slowly rising from the bench, I headed towards the car and contemplated Michael's letter silently on the short drive back to the Section. We arrive in record time and I head straight to my quarters. Punching in the security code, I enter the room and once again find myself engulfed in the fragrant scent of a new batch of wonderful flowers. I close my eyes briefly and then open them again and again I see my old roses removed and new ones in their place. The only difference were that the roses were all white and little bits of green peeked out from the tiny baby's breath stems that were mixed in with the roses. Shaking my head at the extravagance of Michael's gifts to me, I smile in pleasure as I can't resist running my finger down the smooth side of the bulb of a rose close to me. I feel as if I'm getting all the Christmas presents I missed out on, and I realize that Michael is making up for lost time and doing whatever he can to please me by giving me the gifts now that he couldn't give me in the past.

As if Walter was waiting for my return he enters my room and gives me a happy smile as he sees the excited look on my face.

"Who would have thought that Michael could be so romantic." He says as he shakes his head at the opulence.

"I did." I say softly, as I pick out a rose and hold it up to my nose to inhale the sweet fragrance.

"I guess you did." Walter tells me. "Looks like he knows what to do to make you happy. I never told him so, but he's a good man, Sugar."

"I never told him either, Walter." I tell Walter as I realize how much Michael needs to know that when I think of the contents of his letter and his doubts about himself and what he's doing for Adam. "I'll tell him in my next letter though and I'll let him know you think so to."

"You do that, Sugar." Walter replies as he glances around at my room once more.

"I will." I tell him solemnly. "Thank you for doing this for me. How have you been getting them in here without anyone noticing."

"Now I'm not going to tell you all my secrets." Walter says with that sly grin on his face. "Let's just say Michael owes me big."

"He said as much in his letter." I inform him quietly.

"He left you a note." Walter finally tells me, as he takes a little card out of his pocket and places it in my outstretched hand. "The florist told me he received an anonymous email identifying the order number and was told to include the message in an enclosed card."

"Thanks, Walter." I answer and he simply smiles at me in understanding.

"Don't mention it." He says as he punches in the code that unlocks the door of my room. "Like, Michael, I think anything is worth it to see a smile on your face."

As he turns to leave he stops and looks back to pin me with a serious stare.

"You know, Sugar." He says in an admonishing tone. "You are Operations now. You can do whatever you want. And that means that if you need a vacation I know there's someone here who would be more than happy to take over if it meant that she could do something to wipe that sorrowful look out of your eyes. Just because you and Michael have to be apart for awhile doesn't mean you have to torture yourselves. In case you haven't noticed Section is under your command now. Think about it."

Without giving me a chance to respond Walter simply nods and leaves me alone. I stare at the door a moment, digesting Walter's words to me, before I look down at the third white envelope containing yet another message from Michael. Opening the card I read the simple words inscribed on them and know that they come directly from Michael's heart.

Hello, again Beloved. As promised here is your other gift. Now you don't have to risk pneumonia to preserve the roses that I send to you. You will have a fresh room of roses every week on any given day. It's one of the little things I can do that I know will please you. Despite what Walter may have told you, he's getting a very good deal out of this. He also assures me he's happy to do it if it's something that makes you happy. It's just one more symbol of my love to let you know that you're always on my mind. I love you always.

I place the card in the corner of the picture frame and I smile as I look around my room and see the symbols of how much Michael cares for me, how much he needs me, and how much he misses being with me. Looking around me and realizing that I'm feeling everything Michael is feeling, I seriously consider Walter's advice and realize that he's right. Perhaps a little time with my real family will help me regain the focus I need to do the job my father was sure I was born for. My heart leaps with joy and anticipation and I can imagine the happiness Michael will feel when he realizes I'm giving in to his plea to come and be with him and Adam if only for a little while. I know that it will be harder to leave them, but I also know that we'll find some way to make our commitment to one another work in spite of the fact that I have to be away from them most of the time. My mind made, my resolve set, I begin to make plans as I leave my room and prepare to carry out my duties as the new commander of the Section. Remembering Michael's encouraging words to me, telling me that I can do what I've given my word to do. As hard as it is I forcibly set thoughts of my beautiful men from my mind and focus on just doing the job. Later...when I have more time to myself, I'll pick them up again and I'll write another letter to the man I love telling him of my love for him...telling him everything he needs to hear...telling him of my faith in him and giving him the encouragement he needs in order to be the father that Adam needs. Then at the end I'll tell him the most important thing of all. I'll tell him of my love for him and inform him of the surprise he's going to be getting. I won't tell him what the surprise is, or what I'm planning. I think it will mean more to him, if I just show up. I can't wait to see his face, I can't wait to see Adam, but most of all I can't wait to be in his arms again. My plans set, I go about my job with more energy than I've had in the months that we've been apart as I privately think to myself that my love will only have to wait a little while longer.

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