Expectation

The response I was waiting for arrived on a day that turned out to be dark and stormy...just like my thoughts. I never imagined I could be so sensitive to the environment around me, but the green landscapes surrounding the estate seemed to be covered in a blanket of darkness that mimicked my gloomy mood.

I turned around at a slight sound and my eyes fell on my beautiful son, his dark eyes so like his mother's as he walked slowly to me and held up his hands in silent demand. As I reached down to pick him up in my arms I gently kiss the top of his head. Walking over to the couch I sit down and hold him closely to me. I close my eyes and I see the soft, gentle expression I know would be on her face if she could see the picture of the two of us.

Sighing deeply I mentally count the days and wonder if she's had a chance to respond to my letter to her. I imagine the smile on her face as she closes her eyes and envisions me sitting at a computer pouring my heart out to her. Then I see her scan her room full of priceless flowers as testament to my love for her and then resume reading on paper what came from the deepest part of my heart.

Perhaps it's imagining her that makes my mood sad, my step listless, my heart ache. Whatever the reason, Adam senses it and in that engaging way he has he offers his father a hug. Holding him tightly and inhaling his sweet scent, I pull him closer and think that there is only one thing missing...her here with us. As if Adam knows my thought he pulls away from me and gives me a serious, adult look and offers his comfort to me.

"It's okay, Daddy."

"I know." I say as I reach up a hand to smooth his hair back and wish I knew what he was thinking. For someone whose been parted from me for a year and a half he's managed to pick up a few of what she would call my bad habits. I can't read him as well as I would like to, but that will come with time. I often wonder if my frustration at my inability to reach him is like hers was for so many years because of her inability to reach me. Those thoughts lead me to others that make my heart clench with longing as I contemplate the things she would do to be able to reach him like she did with me.

Sighing at the unproductiveness of my thoughts I stand up from the couch with my son and lead him through the house and up the stairs to his room where we usually spend at least an hour playing a game of his choice. I enjoy this time of the day where I can focus my attention solely on him and his happiness as he shows me how intelligent he is by naming all of the different types of cars and trucks in the book we purchased a few days ago. It doesn't take him long to get tired and I lay him down for his nap, hoping that he will have pleasant dreams and not the nightmares that wake him up and send him running to me for comfort of his fears.

Leaving the door slightly ajar I walk away quietly and make my way down the stairs to my study. My eyes automatically go to the picture I have of her on my desk. It's a recent one that Walter sent to me, instinctively knowing that I would treasure the keepsake. Sometimes I think it's insensitive of me to have pictures of her and not of Elena sitting on my desk, but I've long ago given up the habit of lying to myself. I cared for Elena. How could I not, she was the mother of my beautiful son. Unfortunately, she was never the woman that I could love with all my heart, mind, and soul. I no longer feel guilty by those feelings because I know that if I had been given the option, the lie I lived with Elena for so many years never would have been my choice. As I stare at the picture I smile slightly at the mysterious, beguiling eyes staring back at me. It's one of my favorites and it is one of a numerous collection that I have scattered throughout the house. None of them are in a place that Adam goes, but I feel that even if he did, he wouldn't mind. He loved his mother and he loves her, and I understand that it doesn't need to be any more complicated than that. If he ever asks me why that's what I'll tell him.

I sit at my desk and I think that she would be proud of how far I've come from the cold, shell of a man she used to know. Basking in thoughts of her, I turn on the laptop and it only seems appropriate that the letter I've been waiting a week to receive has finally arrived. Memorizing, Walter's instructions I erase the message and rise from my chair when I realize the special delivery service is about to arrive with what will be one of my most treasured possessions.

Just as I reach the door, the doorbell rings and I wait a few minutes, staring out the concealing curtain at the courier who has dropped the package and left to finish his deliveries. When the van is out of sight, I open the door and retrieve the brown envelope full of various envelopes and head back to my study to sort them out. I open the envelope with measured patience and quickly sort through all of the business mail, not even blinking at the eighty thousand dollar check I received for the last plan I presented via email on a security system improvement that apparently worked extremely well. Sighing in relief I finally see the letter at the bottom of the stack and push all the other envelopes aside as I pick it up, carefully open the flap, and extract the thick, neatly typed and folded sheets placed on the inside. Leaning back in my chair I began to read what would be her first love letter to me.

The Reply

Michael,

Hello, my love. It's been more than a week since I received your wonderful surprise. I cried for hours afterwards. I never knew I had so many tears still stored up inside of me. My roses are in full bloom and they greet me every night and I think of you. Of course, my room is just below freezing, if one listened to Walter, in order to keep them alive but it's worth it if I can keep some part of you with me for as long as possible.

I smiled at the reference of your reasoning behind sending me a typed letter instead of a written letter. Knowing that my handwriting is only a little more 'legible' than yours, I decided that I should return the favor. I'll know you're pleased if I get a response from you. Do you see how good I've gotten at turning your words back on you? It's probably one of the best things you could have taught me to survive in a place like this.

I love the new habit you've acquired. After all of these years you still manage to surprise me by knowing what I need, anticipating my wants even before I know them myself. It's one of the many reasons I love you as much as I do. That you would dare to think I wouldn't be pleased by your remembrance of a day that has never really been cause for a celebration as far as I'm concerned amazes me. Any gift you give me, especially the gift of yourself, will always please me.

How are you? Like you it's a question that often crosses my mind and I find myself contemplating you and little Adam at inopportune moments. Just yesterday, Jade came to give me a report and had to repeat her question three times before she realized I wasn't with her. She's so patient with me. She didn't get angry. She asked me how I was doing instead. I smiled at her gentle look of sympathy. I wonder what you're doing, are you alright, are you thinking of me as I'm thinking of you? I'm a mess, Michael, and I don't know what to do. You ask me to promise to come to you if I need you and the fact is I need you every day. I never realized how hard this would be. Knowing that you're out there, waiting to come back to me, and neither of us knowing when that time will be. And so in response to your question, I promise that I will come to you as soon as I possibly can.

I miss you so much, Michael. It's amazing how the tables have turned and I'm sentenced to Section for the rest of my life by my own words, while you are on the outside with Adam longing to be back inside with me. The hardest part of all this is that I want it as much as you do and I can't help but wonder that if I had let things be, if I had just said no to Jones and the Center, somehow things would have worked out differently. Then I realize that my father would have eventually surfaced to inform me of his future plans for me. You and I would have only delayed the inevitable. It amazes me how foolish I was in my naivete that I could walk away after all but shoving Section's inadequacies down their throat...then I think of you. Of how in your own subtle way you tried to warn me, caution me, protect me from my useless ambitions, and most of all myself.

It all comes back to me as I go through the motions of pretending I know what I'm doing in a position I never wanted to hold. I guess that was the point if I think of my father's life lessons he tried to shove down my throat in the short time we had together. According to him, I'm the most qualified because I was the one who didn't want the job. As Jade would say, how twisted is that? Of course, the logic shouldn't surprise me considering how corrupt Paul Wolfe became because of the power he wanted and not satisfied with the power he held.

That's what scares me most, Michael. That I'll become like him. Bitter at life, at all the disappointments and fail to do what I need to do to get the job done, so I cause other people to suffer for my unhappiness. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to hold sway over all these people. I don't want to be the one to decide their fate because of past crimes they've committed. I think of my anger at you when you held this position. I think of how you stepped into it with the clarity and single purpose of mind that enabled you to do the job no matter what. Then I think of my reaction to it. How I hated you for being so good at a job that was so hateful. Now that I'm here I realize how wrong I was, and I berate myself for not believing in you enough to know that you knew what you were doing. I chastise myself for not understanding what the position would cost you, but your willingness to do it anyway to save those who would appreciate the effort. The fact that you continued to love me in spite of it all my harsh judgments, my obvious lack of understanding, makes me marvel at how far you and I have come with each other.

Whenever I find myself sinking into despair I hold to that thought and I know that we've overcome so much together that we'll overcome this separation as well. I look at your ring on my finger and I smile as I remember how impulsive we were as we darted into the chapel we came across to speak vows to each other. I only put it on in the privacy of my room. I won't wear it openly until you've had the chance to place it on my finger yourself. Old-fashioned of me, I know but it's something I want and I know you'll understand. As I think of just how long we've been married I began to laugh in sheer joy as I realize that out of all the things everyone thought they knew about us in the Section, none of them have ever guessed that...not even Walter. They would all be amazed. Little do they understand that it's not difficult being faithful when the one you want is nowhere in the vicinity. Still it means so much to me that only you and I know of how close of a bond we truly do share. I hold the secret close to my heart and treasure it as a wonderful surprise only you and I know about.

I have to go my love. The Collective is still as active as ever and I fear that I'm going to have to began to make choices I've put off as long as I can if this mission is not a success. I don't know how long I can do this, Michael. How long I can pretend to be someone I'm not, how long I can be away from you and Adam. The two of you need me more than this place ever will, just as I need the two of you. My heart aches to know that I can't be there to comfort you as you comfort Adam and those are the times when I truly hate my father despite the fact that he gave up his life for Adam. Perhaps that makes me sound ungrateful for his sacrifice, but I'm not. I just wish with all my heart that there had been another way for all of us. Now, all I can do is contemplate a time when the Collective is defeated, Section is running smoothly and I...I can come to be with you and Adam if only for a short time. It saddens me to hear how lonely and melancholy my two men have become, and it does nothing but make me long to be with you so that we can run and play and enjoy the beautiful grounds surrounding the estate you've purchased for us.

I hear your voice in my dreams promising me that we will make this work and I hold to that as I wake to face each day. I imagine a time when I'm with you, your arms holding me, keeping me safe, and the crazy underground world I've been sentenced to is kept at bay. Those thoughts have helped me find my courage to believe in the dream that you are working so hard to make a reality. I've envisioned the estate, the peaceful landscape around it that sounds so tranquil and full of peace, and I long for the time when I can hand over my obligations for a while and bask in the warmth of your love, while I shower you with mine. It's what I hold to when this place becomes too much for me to handle.

Goodbye for now, my Michael. I'll wait with anticipation for your next letter. It seems to be all we have now, and I resign myself that for now it has to be enough. Remember, I love you, and you are never far from my thoughts. You are as dear to me as I am to you. With all my heart I love you, and so in closing I say, until next time my love.

Waiting

I read the letter several times before I put it away and went to the window to look outside at the steadily falling rain flooding the beautiful landscape before me. I could hear her voice clearly as I played the words in the letter over and over in my mind. Her deep sorrow was evident and my heart cried out in agony. Perhaps, like me, she could sense when my sadness got the best of me and I couldn't hide how unhappy I was. I turned on the radio in the hopes of gaining some peace and as coincidence would have it, a song played that spoke my thoughts more eloquently than I could have at that moment. Many a nights I lie alone Inside a room that's not of my own Having no one to hold onto Who'd understand what I am going through

The verse makes me think of the first time I tried my hand at seduction on her.

"No one on the outside can understand who we are."

I manage a wry smile as I remember the words I uttered to her in a desperate bid to keep her from getting herself canceled. Even then I had begun to love her. I don't think she even realized how true my words were, and now that she knows there is nothing either of us can do about it. I'm finding that out as I start each day of this new life, surrounded by people who are oblivious to the strangers that walk among them. So at night, I lay down a plan To occupy myself to make me a better man That's the only way I get through the night So I don't turn off the lights....

The days are hard enough to get through, but the nights...the nights are even worse. I walk into the large spacious bedroom I think of as ours and I see her in everything. The white cream and gold of the carpet and furnishings remind me of the way she used to sink her bare feet into the carpet and purr like a contented kitten because it was a luxury she had never been used to due to the harsh realities of the life she spent on the streets. The plush satin comforter reminds me of the satin chemises she loved to walk around in whenever we were on a mission, or just on our own away from the prying eyes of the Section. I walk out onto the balcony I know that she would love and I look up at the blue sky that fades to black as night descends and it reminds me of her beautiful changeable eyes as they turned from lustrous blue to stormy gray whenever she was moved by some deep emotion only the two of us could understand.

All these thoughts bombard me and sleep evades me like a clever thief in the night. So I use the time to think about past conversations we had and with every desire she expressed for herself or wish she wanted for me, I come up with a plan to make it happen. By the time I'm done, it's well into the night and sleep has never been further away. So I envision her lovely face and in our room I sit...waiting once again. And I wait for all eternity For someone who will comfort me And as time passes I get vivid flashes of you running through my mind

It seems I've been waiting for something all my life. Each time, I've gotten what I wanted I'm waiting again. This time I know that I'm waiting for something worthwhile, something lasting, that will never leave me again. As I envision my beautiful son running and playing through the trees like he was earlier in the day, for the time being joyfully oblivious of the melancholy thoughts of his father, I think of her again. I close my eyes and, I can see her playing with him. Smothering him with loving kisses. Then I see her smiling up at me. Her vivid blue eyes memorizing my features, and the blonde silky hair that I loved to run my fingers through falling over my arms as I hold her close against me. She gave her love to the both of us so freely that I know that no matter how long it takes, even if it is until eternity there will never be another woman in my life if I can't find a way to get back to her. Many a morning sun appears Wake up and find on my face a tear Cause from the vivid dream in my head Of you in arms, but it's my pillow instead So real did it feel way our bodies met The softness of your hands, your lips, on my neck God I wish you were here My desire is sincere I need you near

And I wait for all eternity For someone who will comfort me And as time passes I get vivid flashes of you running through my mind

Sometime during the long night, my body overrules my mind and I fall asleep and that's when the dreams take over. All I can see is her. She captures my every thought and I see us at the chapel, on the boat, on the beach walking hand in hand on the sand, or lazing away the day in bed. As she leans over to kiss me I jerk awake to find that my intense desire to want her with me makes my dreams more vivid than even I could have imagined and it's only that in my mind...not reality...but a dream that she was holding me. It's then that I feel the wetness on my cheeks and realize that I've been crying. For a man who had no tears they appear with alarming frequency whenever she crosses my mind. I know it's because I can feel her loneliness reaching out to clench my heart with painful fingers, because I can do nothing to ease the pain she's feeling inside.

Where? Where are you? I need to know (oh I need to know) I searched high and low. I need you so. But I guess I must wait.....

And I wait for all eternity For someone who will comfort me And as time passes I get vivid flashes of you running through my mind

I find myself going through the motions of the day. Taking care of Adam, listening to his childlike conversation. Answering his many questions, and all the while I long for her presence by my side. I wonder where she is, if she's alright. How will she come to me if she needs me? Only my promise that I made to keep Adam safe and to keep the both of us protected until he no longer needs me keeps my longing for her under control.

I'll follow you I'll follow you Where ever you go I get lonely sometimes (lonely, lonely) I'm goin' be right here Here all by myself

Although I can't be with her, I still follow her movements through those close to us who want her happiness as much as I do. It's through Walter that I know what she's going through, how she handles the intense pressure from those who mapped out her future without a thought to her resistance. Her letter only deals with part of it, and I know she's trying to hide how lonely she really is because of the role she's been forced into.

I have every hope that whatever move she makes, wherever she goes, I'll follow after her until the day that I can be at her side again. Those thoughts keep the loneliness at bay, and I wait. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I'm good at waiting, and I'll continue to wait until I get what I want. My resolve set, my mind made, I let the rain continue to fall and I sit down once again to write a reply to the beautiful but heart-wrenching letter I've received from my Nikita, my wife, my beloved.

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