The Beginning

The first one arrived in a most unusual manner. I have to admit that it did wonders to raise my spirits as he no doubt intended. I only wish I had thought of it first. I remember the day so clearly. It's unlikely I'll ever forget it. It had been an unusually rough day. Two missions had gone seriously awry and because of it I had to put two members of the team in abeyance. There was no doubt in my mind that this first act of being two steps away from ordering someone's execution marked the beginning of a cold, lonely existence with no end in sight. I hated it, hated what I had given my word to do, but most of all I hated the deep empty ache of my heart that grew with each passing day.

My mood didn't improve when I walked past ordnance and found myself waylaid by Walter and Jade who wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday. I don't know how happy it was considering the fact that it only reminded me of another day in a place that I had sentenced myself to for life. Perhaps he somehow sensed what I was feeling for I'm convinced that without his wonderful surprise I would have turned into a bitter, cold, uncaring shell just to block out all the pain I was feeling every moment of every day.

Leaving the exuberant and cheerful Walter and Jade behind I decided a respite was in order to regain my perspective.

"Focus, Nikita."

I can always hear his beautiful voice so clearly when my melancholia attempts to get the best of me.

Heading to my room, I walked in to find roses of every color, scattered from one corner of the room to the other. Startled at the transformation of my cold, stark living quarters it took me a minute to notice the large vase overflowing with red roses sitting on my end table by the bed. Walking over to it, I leaned down to inhale the heady scent and it was then that I noticed the thick white envelope laying next to it. My hands shook with apprehension and excitement when I realized who the packet might be from. It took me several minutes to calm down enough so that I could open the envelope. Sitting on my bed, I hastily ripped open the sealed flap and gently lifted out the thick sheets of unlined paper with neatly typed print filling every sheet. Closing my eyes in delighted surprise I took a deep, steadying breath. Finally, I opened my eyes and began to read what would be his first love letter to me.

Missing You

Nikita,

Happy Birthday, Beloved. I hope you enjoy the roses. Walter assured me he would get the very best. I don't know how he got them all in your room without anyone noticing, but I'm sure he completed the task if you're reading this right now. My instructions were very explicit. I'll know you're pleased if I get a response from you. Walter will tell you how.

You might be wondering about this new past time I've acquired. Thirteen years of preparing profiles isn't a habit one breaks easily, no matter how much I want to. I decided the best way to get over it was to replace it with a more pleasant habit of writing you whenever the urge strikes me. I knew you would appreciate the normalcy of a letter instead of the high tech wizardry of a communiqué on a PDA. I realize that typing isn't really writing, but I thought you would enjoy being able to read the letters I send you instead of spending your time trying to decipher my handwriting.

How are you? It's a question I want to ask you often, whenever you cross my mind which happens to be every minute of every day. I miss you so much. Only three months have passed yet it seems like a lifetime. You would think that all of the times we've been separated would prepare me for this, but it hasn't. I never knew being with Adam and being away from you would be so difficult. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and it makes me miss you all the more. I never thought I would long for Section, but I do. If only for the selfish reasons I have of wanting to be near you. I comfort myself with the fact that I know I'll see you sooner than we both think. Walter tells me that he'll find a way to convince you to take a trip and come to me. He said it's the main reason he's agreed to be a messenger. I know he's lying to me, but I won't call him on it, since it gives me something to look forward to.

I think you'll be surprised to know that Adam asked for you yesterday. I told you he loves you more than you think. He was full of questions about where I had gone, why his mother lied to him, will she come back like I did, why didn't you come with us. It has never been more difficult to find the words to explain to my son everything that's happened and make him understand. I only hope he forgets, and won't grow up to discover the truth and hate me for what I've done. It would be no more than I deserve, but I hope it won't turn out to be so. You taught me that. To hope when there was no reason to. It's why I know that no matter how long it takes, the time will come for us to be together, and never be parted again. I'm so sure of it the house I bought was with you in mind.

The only detail that's changed from our dream is a wrought iron gate surrounding the estate instead of a white picket fence. After years of Section some things on the outside seem ridiculously easy. It only took me a week to find the perfect setup for Adam and me. I've decided that several things I learned in Section will work well for what I have in mind, and becoming a security consultant for selected private trade organizations has allowed me to stay anonymous while giving me the ability to spend more time with Adam. It has also turned out to be an extremely lucrative business, and purchasing a secluded estate in the country was the first thing I did. It's a beautiful two story-mansion overlooking sweeping hills and valleys. The first time I saw it I thought of you, imagined you in it, walking through it as you decided which color to paint each room. Adam often finds me like that daydreaming of you. He never says anything, he simply comes over and takes my hand as if he somehow understands how I feel. He's become so quiet and solemn lately...too much like his father.

There's so much I want to say to you and I laugh at myself because I've discovered the words now after seven years of being silent. Perhaps there's a lesson in this somewhere and the whole reason for my silence was so that I could finally take the time to tell you what was in my heart to help us pass the time until I can be with you once again. No matter the reason I hope it brings you some small amount of joy in a place where that emotion doesn't often exist.

I should close, but before I do there is one more gift I have for you. If Walter is as efficient as he's always been then there should be a small silver key attached to the bottom of the vase. Take the key to the location Walter gives you and you'll find the gift I promised you almost a year ago on a sandy beach as I read you poetry by the warm glow of the fire we built. Our time away from Section is fast becoming one of my more happier memories, and I imagine us making more of those kind of memories as soon as I can convince you to come to me whenever you're overwhelmed with what you've taken on. Despite what you think your presence will not endanger us, and I have no intention of waiting ten plus years before I see you again. I meant every word when I promised you that somehow I'll find a way to make it work.

I have to go, I'm sure you have work to do and it's almost time for me to read Adam a story. Remember I love you. Those words are no longer difficult to speak and I wish that I had said them more. Now all I can do is write them often and hope you understand how dear you are to me. So once again I say Happy Birthday, beloved.

The Gift

I read the letter over and over again until I had memorized every word. Then I collected the key, right where he said it would be and went to retrieve the birthday gift Michael had brought for me. Suffering the presence of my bodyguards I commanded them to wait by the car as I entered the quiet post office. I found the box number Walter had given me, and I used the key to unlock the small door. Inside was another white envelope, and I held it tightly in my hands as I hurriedly ran to the car so that I could get back to my room to open my gift in privacy.

That's where Jade found me a few hours later, on the floor crying silently as I continued to hold the crumpled white envelope in my hand. Without a word she simply kneeled down next to me and pulled me gently in her arms as a mother would her child. It took no coaxing on her part to get me to show her the beautiful gift he had selected especially for me.

Jade gasped at the opulent white gold diamond ring that glistened in my palm as I showed it to her. Then tears came to her eyes as she read the French inscription on the inside of the wide band that professed his unwavering love to me forever. She smiled sadly at me and then said words that made the tears resurface.

"Now you know there was never any doubt about his love for you. He sent you the wedding ring he planned to give you to seal the vows he made to you. He still believes your dream will come true. Its not lost it's just delayed. It may not seem like it, but everything will be okay, Nikita."

I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't believe her, but I guess it was evident in my face as the tears continued to stream down my eyes.

'Jade didn't seem to be able to stand the sight anymore than I remember that you could, Michael. ' I thought to myself.

She smoothed my tousled hair back behind my ears and then placed them gently on my cheeks as she wiped the tears away.

"C'mon, sweetie." She said to me in a voice husky with unshed tears because of her inability to ease the pain she knew could see in my eyes. "You know what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. As many times as you've been separated from one another this should be old hat for the two of you. Just think. By the time Michael returns, your names will be Michael and Nikita fond as can be Samuelle."

The statement was so silly, yet true enough for me to see the irony that I was actually able to give her a shaky laugh. Smiling in relief she stayed with me until I was able to regain my composure and show the world the cold, emotionless mask I've learned to adopt so well. I don't even think she realized how much it cost me to present that façade to the world. None of them would ever know, not even Walter. Only he truly understood my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my tempers and I hold on to that knowledge with all the ferocity that's in me.

Taking a deep breath so that I can present my mask to a Section that needs me, I place the glittering ring on the appropriate finger and I glance around again at the bower of flowers that are the symbols of his love for me. Right now Section is calling and I can't take the time to bask in the memories and the comfort of the love he has shown me, but I promise myself that later...later I will do all of that. And then I'll sit down and write my first love letter to him, my Michael, my husband, my love.

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