She walked into my office, looking somewhat uneasy and preoccupied. I had been waiting for her. I'd watched her walk across the open space of Section toward my office. She had paused to talk to Walter, her smiles coming easily and lighting up her beautiful face. As I watched her, I wished that I could make her smile that way. If I were able to make her smile lightheartedly, even if it were only once, perhaps I would be able to think I had done something good for her.

I hadn't seen her smile much lately though I had seen her cry. After her mother left the hospital room where Nikita was pretending to be comatose, I came back in to find Nikita curled up on the bed keening her own death and the loss of her mother. Seeing her in so much obvious pain, I wished that I could have granted her earlier request to speak with her mother. Instead, I had done what I could to protect her mother's life, but I had obviously not done enough for Nikita. Knowing that I had once again failed her by being unable to spare her this pain, I had slowly and quietly backed out of the room allowing Nikita to mourn on her own. When I returned ten minutes later Nikita had just finished redressing. All I said to her was "We need to go."

Looking at her as she jovially conversed with Walter, I wished that I could amuse her as Walter obviously could. I wished that I could help her forget, at least temporarily, any pain she felt. But I knew that was not what our relationship was like. On rare occasions, I allowed myself to believe momentarily that I did soothe her pain though I knew it was not by distraction and easy amusement. More often, however, I knew I caused her pain.

After the Vacek mission, when she had come to my loft to check up on me, I had even admitted to her that I knew I had hurt her. And, I had warned her that she would be better off staying away from me. Though I hadn't understood then and still didn't understand now, I hadn't deterred her with my words. And, though I truly believed that she would be better off without me, I selfishly loved that she hadn't gone. She didn't know it, but there were times when I continued on only because I wanted to ensure her safety. I reveled in her beauty and I wished for her attention even as I knew I deserved neither.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She looked tired but beautiful. After her conversation with Walter she looked fleetingly up at Operations then toward my office. The happiness that I had seen just moments before while she spoke with Walter was gone now. I saw her take a deep breath as though she wanted to inhale some courage. She touched her hair, pushing it back behind her ears. Then, she headed for my office. As she got to my office door I lost sight of her briefly until she opened it and entered the room. I watched her and couldn't speak. I heard her murmur my name. She didn't say it to me really. She just said it -- slowly, in a hushed tone, in two separate syllables that seemed strangely disconnected from one another. Maybe it was the beginning of a speech she had been practicing, a way to prime herself to say what she obviously felt she had to say.

She gathered herself then stepped closer to me. I didn't move. I steeled myself for whatever I was about to hear.

"I just wanted to thank you for what you did. That's the kindest thing you've ever done for me. Thank you."

Once the words were out of her mouth, she stopped and looked at me. Still I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I watched her look deeply into my eyes. I stared back as she gave a small nod of her head then turned to leave.

After a step and a half toward the door, she turned back to me. What she had said hadn't really registered yet but I knew she had delivered the speech she had intended to make. She looked at me for a moment then, keeping her eyes on me, quickly came back to kiss me on the lips.

For a split second, I didn't think I could breathe. As I realized that I had control of myself and started to react, her lips were already pulling away from mine.

I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to pull her into my arms. At that moment, I didn't care that anyone could have looked into my office. If I had been able to move, I think I would have done it.

As quickly as she had entered my office, she was gone. After the door closed, I thought briefly that perhaps I had imagined it all. But then, almost immediately, this thought vanished as I saw her pass by my office window. Her words echoed in my head "the kindest thing you've ever done." The words finally sank in. Kind. She thought of me as kind. Not just for what I had done to help her with her mother. She had said "kindest," implying that she knew of other kind things I'd done for her. I turned to look at her. As she passed directly in front of me, she stopped and smiled briefly before continuing on. I wish now that I had smiled back but I didn't.

After she had gone, I tried to think of other kind things I had done for her but nothing came to mind. Everything I had ever done "for her" I had really done for myself because I couldn't bear losing her. Much as I pushed her away what I really wanted was to have her there with me.

She thought I was kind? It wasn't an adjective I thought characterized me. I felt more comfortable when she described me as cruel, ruthless, even full of myself. How could I be kind, I wondered, especially in Section? I worked so hard to remain logical and impassive here. On rare occasions when something major had occurred, I had allowed myself to feel. But always the emotions were strong and negative -- anger over Simone's death, fear for Nikita's potential cancellation, despair over being separated from Adam. Could I feel anything other than pain here in Section?

But she had kissed me here. A gentle kiss bestowed on a kind person? What I felt now was far from strong and negative. Instead it was a small sense of pleasure that tickled me lightly from inside. Both her words and her actions stirred up in me a longing to be near her again. I felt that I had not only done something good for Nikita but as if I, myself, were good. I didn't know how long I would keep feeling this way but I wanted it to last. As I thought about Nikita a small smile lifted the corners of my mouth. For the first time that I could remember, I felt happy in Section.

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