sound the bugle now - play it just for me; as the seasons change - remember how I used to be

“My sources say that you’re doing it tough today.”

“Is that right?” Nikita scowled at him over the top of her PDA. “You might want to remind Jason that Abeyance isn’t just for field ops.”

Walter grinned. “How did you know?”

Her gaze dropped to the PDA screen. “I said some choice words to him a few hours ago about his attitude. I assume his dainty little ears are still ringing?”

“Ah, don’t be so hard on the kid.” He dropped into the chair tucked to the side of her desk. “He’s just trying to make nice with you.”

She made a face, then shut down the PDA. “He’s infuriating.”

“Well, he’s no Birkoff, but he’s not all that bad.” He leaned back in the chair, expecting to enjoy a swift retort of denial. When none came, he gave her a long look. Fatigue was etched on her face, and she looked as though she hadn’t seen the sunlight for a month. Thinking back, maybe she hadn’t. “You all right there, Sugar?”

She raised her gaze to his, the misery in her normally bright eyes making his stomach drop. “No.”

Walter hesitated. He always felt so helpless in the face of her sorrow, a useless old man who'd lived too long and seen far too much. Finally, he settled for patting her hand where it lay on the top of her desk. “You’re doing okay, you know.”

She gripped his hand, surprising him. It wasn’t often she allowed herself to stray into the territory of their friendship when she was in the Perch. “Okay isn’t good enough for this place. You know that as well as I do.”

“You’ll get there. It’ll get easier.”

“So you keep saying.”

She let go of his hand. Fighting the urge to rub some circulation back into it – she never did know her own strength – he gave her a smile. “I don’t know if it helps right now, Sugar, but he’d be very proud of you.”

A slight frown puckers her forehead. “My father?”

“Well, him too,” he replied, wondering belatedly if he was about to open up a whole new can of worms. “But I actually meant Michael.”

Her face froze, and he silently kicked himself. He heard her take a deep breath, then she shook her head. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re right. It is getting easier.” She looked at him, and he saw the despair in her eyes. “Sending people to their deaths is getting easier every day – how could anyone be proud of that?” Her voice was thick with tears, and his heart gave a funny little lurch.

Screw protocol. He got to his feet and make the quick trip around the desk to give her a one-armed embrace, fiercely hugging her to his side as though she was still the wide-eyed teenager who’d arrived in Section so many years ago. “He had to do a lot worse during his time here, Sugar. What makes you think he’d blame you for doing whatever you had to do to survive?”

“I don’t know.” She shook her head again and pulled away, her eyes glittering with tears. “But this is not who I am.”

“I know that.” He dug a neatly folded handkerchief out of his back pocket. “He knows that.” He pressed the cotton square into her palm, then closed her fingers over it, his hand gently squeezing hers. “And as long as you remember that, you’ll be okay.”

He left her then, touching her shoulder lightly in farewell. He’d worked out long ago that while his return to Section was of some comfort, he was also a constant reminder of everything she’d lost. They made a good team, the pair of them, but there were days when she would look at him with hollow eyes, days when he knew that she was desperately wishing he was someone else.

As he walked back to Munitions, he lifted his head to watch the darkened windows of the Perch, ignoring the silent creak of his neck muscles as best he could. He was getting old, no doubt about it, and there were days when he, too, wished he was someone else. Somewhere else. As he unlocked and raised the titanium security grille that led to his workstation, he thought of the way Nikita had clutched his hand like a lifeline, as though he was the only thing keeping her from going under.

Yeah, sometimes he had those days. But not today.

~*~*~*~

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