"I don't like it" Operations said. He watched from his office carefully, a frown of concern on his face. Down in the computer area sat Birkoff surrounded by a group of operatives of all levels. Operations watched as Michael approached them. In his opinion they accepted him into their group too easily, had become more relaxed with Michael around. Gone was the immediate grip of fear that usually coincided with Michael's approach. To Operation's dismay Michael actually smiled and conversed on a casual level with the group.

"He is still well respected" said Madeline, "and Michael is still Michael. He hasn't let his guard down all that much."

"That's not the point" Operations said, a bit too angrily for Madeline's taste and she let him know it by her look.

In a softer tone he looked at Madeline and said "I want things back the way they were. Michael is my best operative, there can't be any interference in his ability to get the job done."

Nikita rushed into Section knowing she was 10 minutes late for the briefing.

"Glad you could make it" Operations hissed.

Nikita grabbed a seat and the briefing began.

"This is Mohammed" Operations said while bringing up a hologram. He has set up operations at an abandoned laboratory facility in Saudi Arabia. Intel has it that Mohammed has retained several of the world's most brilliant minds to help him in creating the ultimate chemical weapon. Mohammed himself keeps in hiding. The main mission here will be to destroy his current laboratory. We will extend the mission to finding Mohammed after this has been accomplished. All teams report to Michael. You will leave in three hours."

The operatives filed out of the briefing.

"Not you Michael, I'm not finished yet." Michael remained behind, waiting patiently for the room to be empty and for Operations to speak.

"Upon your return from this mission you will have Robert canceled." Operations stared at Michael, daring him to question his reasons. Operations knew that Robert was part of the group of operatives that Michael had recently begun to befriend. He also knew that Robert was well liked amongst his peers. This would be a test which would prove whether or not Michael the operative was weakening.

Michael let no expression come to his face. He thought about the fact that Robert was currently being held in abeyance but his term in the pool was almost up and retraining had gone very well. He simply sighed and said "why?"

Operations glared at him and said "that will be all."

Nikita had to practically run to catch up to Michael. She grabbed his arm to break his stride and said "wait up Michael."

He stopped, turned, and looked at her but his face was one of stone - one she had been used to seeing - but one that hadn't been there in awhile.

"Michael, what's wrong?"

"Nothing" he replied "I've got to get ready, we leave in 3 hours." With that he turned and walked away.

Nikita remained fixed to the spot where she had been standing. She followed Michael's retreat with her eyes, a look of concern wrinkling her brow.

Michael sat in his office, staring ahead at his laptop, not really seeing what was in front of him. He mentally berated himself for falling into this situation. He knew why Robert was being canceled and could only blame himself. He should not have let his guard down, should not have begun to feel friendship toward anyone in section. To befriend him was dangerous and the first representative of that truth was Robert. He thought long and hard but his thoughts went ahead to Nikita. Would she be next?

"Michael." Standing in his doorway was Walter. "It's time to go." Michael got up from his chair with a weight on his shoulders that was almost unbearable.

The mission was going exactly as planned. Several of Walter's detonators were to be strategically placed throughout the laboratory. Michael had partnered with Robert and they made their way down a darkened abandoned hallway in silence heading away from the main generator where they had planted two well placed plastique bombs.

Robert grabbed Michael's arm and stared at his face.

Michael returned the stare, waiting.

Finally Robert let out a sigh and began.."Tell me Michael."

"Tell you what?" Michael returned.

"I know something is wrong. I realize there are certain things you can't tell me, but I also know that my time with Section is almost up. I have been around long enough to sense that my being in abeyance is simply a step away from cancellation, that there really is no retraining to return to operative status. Only those of real importance are given the chance to redeem themselves. I just want you to know that if I am to be canceled, I don't want it to be done in the lab at Section. Please, if that is what this is all about, do me the favor and do it quickly and cleanly here."

Michael stared at Robert with a combination of shock and admiration on his face. He gave a slight nod of his head. With a measure of grace and pride Robert knelt before Michael. Michael raised his gun and fired one well aimed shot and Robert fell to the ground.

Michael turned around and there stood Nikita with two other operatives. They had come upon Michael and Robert seconds before the shot rang out. They looked back and forth between Michael and Robert's fallen body as if to register what had happened.

Michael turned away saying "Walter set the units to 5 minutes." He looked quickly at the faces that stared at him in awe. Eyes turned away he said in an almost whisper of a voice "evacuate now." He began ahead of the group to lead them out. The whole time he felt their stares burning into his back.

************

"I can't believe Michael killed Robert" one of the operatives stated with anger in his voice. He hadn't used the word canceled because from what he saw it was a blatant execution.

"The old Michael is back" said another with bitterness.

"I wonder if he every really was gone" stated Nikita. Too many times ulterior motives for Michael's behavior had surfaced and her sense of mistrust was again surfacing. They sat together drinking coffee a heaviness clouding the atmosphere. No one grasped at the need for understanding as they all knew it would never come. In an attempt to put things behind them a lighter conversation ensued.

As Michael approached the group all eyes turned away or down. A sudden silence permeated the air. One by one each of the group had departed, some simply leaving, some giving excuses for things they had to attend to. Michael closed his eyes briefly a flash of pain written all over his face. From where he stood Walter had watched with a sadness on his face. He knew Michael was hurt, had done what he had to do, and cursed Section for the torment they had caused the young man. With a sigh Walter continued with his work for there was nothing that could be said to Michael that would let him believe that the guilt he was feeling was not well deserved.

Everyone sat around the briefing table. Operations explained the next mission involving Mohammed. It was important that a disk be retrieved from a temporary headquarters, a disk with Mohammed's dealings for the past six months and possibly containing enough information so that his whereabouts could be formulated. The teams were set up and once again Michael would be the team leader. Operations noticed the reactions of the operatives but gave no indication. As the teams dispersed he once again asked Michael to remain.

"The computer system is very complicated with lots of encryption. There can be no errors here. When you go in be sure to take Birkoff with you." Michael stared back at Operations. "I can do it. I'll keep Birkoff on a separate channel, he can guide me through any problems."

"Birkoff goes in!" Operations hissed.

Michael headed towards his office to prepare for the mission. His mind worked furiously at Operation's orders. Birkoff has never been directly involved in field work such as this. He didn't think he could take it if anything happened to him while on this mission. So engrossed was he in this new development that he for once hadn't noticed the icy glares from those he had passed.

Michael watched in silence as equipment was carried in. A short distance from Mohammed's temporary headquarters was an abandoned tunnel that Section would utilize to set up the mission. His mind wandered again to the situation with Birkoff. He hadn't relinquished this information to the team, nor was Birkoff himself aware of just how active a part he would be playing in this mission. Everything was being done with exact precision, everyone paying close attention to the details of their work. The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Michael agonized over the events that had occurred, could feel that he was being cut off, but accepted it for he couldn't blame them. He wasn't looking forward to letting it be known that Birkoff was going in, was sure that this development would further isolate him from his "friends." Birkoff was like the little brother to everyone in Section including Michael. He silently vowed that he wouldn't let anything happen to him.

Putting on the necessary gear Michael walked over to Birkoff. Slowly everyone gathered around the computer set-up ready for instructions. Heads nodded as instructions were given.

"Michael" Nikita was the first to speak. She stared at the graphics of the headquarters to be infiltrated with a look of confusion on her face. "You're going in alone to access the files?"

Michael didn't answer immediately. Frankly he was surprised as it was the first time Nikita had spoken to him since Robert's cancellation. "No", Michael sighed "Birkoff is coming in."

Nikita's jaw dropped. "Why Michael, we can just set up a dedicated channel and Birkoff will be able to talk someone through it. I'll go with you." Nikita looked over at Birkoff as she spoke. She noticed that he was pale, eyes open wide, a stunned look on his face.

"I need Birkoff there Nikita. He's coming in."

All of a sudden the silent treatment Nikita had been giving Michael was no more. All of the rage she had been feeling came pouring out. "Michael" Nikita screamed "He can't do this. He's not a cold op. He's not trained for direct involvement."

"I know that Nikita, I'm going in with him" Michael stated calmly as if in an attempt to diffuse Nikita's sudden tirade.

"You went in with Robert, or did you forget. That's hardly a comfort" Nikita snapped. "Let me ask you something Michael. What makes all of our lives expendable. Why is it always someone else whose life is deliberately on the line? What about you? What makes you so special?"

Michael stood quietly listening to Nikita's outburst. He had no answers to give. He simply stared waiting for her to finish.

Nikita was breathless at this point. She put her head down and began to turn away, as she did she looked over at Michael and with as unemotional a facade she could muster stated softly "It should be you. Sometimes I think we would all be better off." With one last look of disgust she proceeded to follow the other operatives to their positions.

Walter walked over to Michael. "Listen Michael. She's just upset. She didn't mean what she said."

Michael looked at Walter and gave the smallest of smiles. "Yes...She did."

************

Michael and Birkoff walked quietly through the dark tunnel, com units on, waiting for reports that everyone had made it to point.

Michael grabbed Birkoff's arm to halt his stride. Birkoff waited for Michael to speak, a bit confused as he watched Michael remove his jacket. Michael removed his bulletproof vest and handing it to Birkoff said, "here, put this on." Birkoff put out his hand to accept the vest and looked at Michael with both thankfulness and dread.

"What about you?" Birkoff asked.

Michael looked startled at Birkoff's show of concern. "I'll be fine Birkoff, your being at the computer will give me the advantage of keeping guard." With a reassuring smile Michael put his hand on Birkoff's shoulder and said "you do your job and I'll do mine."

One by one the confirmation of successful arrival to point had come through Michael's com unit. Once the last operative had checked in Michael picked up his pace. Birkoff scurried to keep up, not wanting to be too far away from Michael. He was scared…downright terrified…but somehow felt safe knowing Michael was with him. There were no barriers, no hostiles in the path they were to take. The other operatives had secured the area making it relatively easy for Michael and Birkoff to proceed with their portion of the mission.

Michael entered the main computer area first, doing a quick but thorough search. He turned to give Birkoff the all-clear and Birkoff charged straight for the computer, empty disks already in hand. Michael kept watch while Birkoff did his job. Occasionally Michael would look over to see how Birkoff was progressing and had to stifle a grin when he realized that he had never seen him work in such a frenzy.

"That's the last one Michael" birkoff said with a note of relief and self-satisfaction in his voice. He placed the disks in his pack and looked over toward Michael with a smile on his face. The smile didn't last long. All Birkoff saw was Michael running toward him. He felt Michael's weight slam into him, felt another impact, and folded into blackness.

Nikita paced frantically. She and the other operatives had made it back to the abandoned tunnel. She looked at Walter, biting her bottom lip, waiting for some reassurance.

Walter tried everything to establish a channel to Michael's com unit but knew something was wrong with the receiver. "Don't worry Sugar, I'm sure they're ok, Micheal's com unit just isn't working."

"If they're not back in two minutes Walter, I'm going in." The words had no sooner left her mouth when Michael stormed in. In his arms was Birkoff, limp and lifeless, blood covering his forehead.

"My God" Nikita hissed, "Birkoff…No.." She ran toward them then darted to the corner of the room, making a clearing for Michael to lay Birkoff down.

Walter had already secured the first aid kit and handed Nikita the gauze that was packed inside. She nodded her head to Walter after checking to see if Birkoff was still breathing. Michael watched as she wiped the blood from Birkoff's face.

"He'll be ok Nikita" Michael said as much to reassure himself as well as them.

"You don't know that Michael" Nikita snapped. "I knew this was going to happen. You just wouldn't listen. Go ahead Michael say it!"

"Say what?" Michael questioned. Nikita glared at Michael and with a surprising amount of venom in her voice said, "say you're sorry." Michael knew exactly what she meant. He had often said he was sorry to Nikita. He also knew that it didn't mean anything to her, that to her "I'm sorry" coming from him was just a way for him to excuse a manipulation or deceit he had just carried forth –usually one directed at her. Michael's eyes turned away from Nikita's glare.

"You make me sick" Nikita whispered through clenched teeth. With that she turned to attend to Birkoff.

Michael turned to leave the room and muttered something to Walter about going to check out the perimeter.

Walter watched him walk toward the dark tunnel, worry imprinted on his face. He thought to himself that if Michael weren't back soon he would go check on him. His thoughts raced through the events that had been happening of late. He could understand the reactions of everyone with regard to Robert's cancellation and He himself had stated opposition to Michael's bringing Birkoff in on this mission. But Walter knew Section. He knew that the decisions weren't Michael's. He had long ago realized that Michael was doing what he had to do, was asked to do things that went against every fiber of his being. He also knew that the others were aware as well. They were reacting with shear emotion to the man Michael is now, the man with the mask, not the man Walter had known – the man he knew was still inside. Walter was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Birkoff's voice.

"Can I get some water?" he asked, voice raspy and low.

Nikita practically threw herself at Birkoff she was so relieved to see that he was ok.

"Give him room" Walter said with a lighthearted chuckle, patting him on the shoulder. Birkoff lay there looking at them both, their collective smiles almost lighting up the darkened corner.

"Is anyone going to get the water?" he asked with a bemused look on his face. Nikta and Walter laughed as Walter got up to get the canteen.

"What happened Birkoff?" Nikita asked. She listened carefully as Birkoff went over the details of how they had made it into the room and he had secured the information onto the disks. "I was finished and put the disks in my pack. I turned to leave and saw Michael running towards me." He stopped there, deep in thought, trying to remember exactly what had happened. "Nikita where's Michael?" Birkoff asked. He sat up abruptly and Nikita tried to push him back down. "No Nikita, you don't understand! Michael jumped in front of a bullet to protect me. He saved my life!"

"OK Birkoff, relax, Michael is fine" Nikita consoled.

"But I know he took the bullet Nikita, I could feel it hit him!" Birkoff screamed.

"It's ok, he's fine Birkoff." She watched as Birkoff lay back down and she removed his glasses as he fell back into unconsciousness.

************

Michael began to stumble through the dark tunnel, his gait beginning to weave. He could feel the blood oozing down his leg. He placed a tentative hand across his abdomen, not to stop the blood flow as he knew it would be a futile act, but more to support the pain that had gripped him like a vice. He looked around through the darkness, not sure if it was darker in this section of the tunnel or if his grasp at remaining conscious was weakening. He leaned with his back against a wall and let himself slide down slowly, knees drawn up tight against his chest; arm still tucked across his abdomen. Thoughts flooded into his head…Simone, his son, Nikita, Robert, Birkoff…Nikita again. They slammed into him with a force he was not ready for, surging forth in a tidal wave of despair. He reflected on his life…if that was what you could call it he thought with bitterness. How long…how long had it been since he was really alive. With a certain amount of self-loathing he realized he couldn't even remember.

"I'm so tired…he said out loud in a whisper of a voice…"tired of being alone." He lay his head back against the wall and the tears began to fall. He hadn't cried in a long time. The heart that everyone thought was not there…that he himself thought was gone began to break, and for the first time in his life he cried for himself.

Nikita sat beside Birkoff deep in thought. She let out an audible sigh, which caught Walter's attention. "You ok Sugar?" he asked.

She didn't answer so Walter volunteered where he thought her mind was visiting. "I'm sure Michael's ok…he understands your anger."

"You know Walter" Nikita relented, "I don't understand my anger. I can't help myself sometimes. I know Michael is doing what has to be done and I know deep down inside it is killing him, but unfortunately he is the one who is there to take the fall; the only one we can vent our anger on."

Walter rubbed Nikita's shoulder "I'm sure he knows it Sugar, Michael is strong and very forgiving. Now you have to forgive yourself."

"He saved Birkoff's life" Nikita said as if in a far away place. Her thoughts went to the many times Michael was there for her and how many others she had seen protected by him. The other operatives had listened to the conversation and at this simple statement their own heads gave slight nods…their own thoughts following the same track.

"We should be ready for pick-up in an hour or two." Walter said. "Tell you what. I'll go check on Michael." He gave one last look toward Birkoff and smiled "He's going to have a whopper of a headache when he wakes up."

Walter walked along the tunnel. He called out quietly for Michael as he went through each section, not really sure if everything was secure. The passage- way was eerily silent causing him a sudden surge of anxiety, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. His search took on a more desperate approach. His pace quickened and he called out for Michael a bit louder this time. Just as he was about to turn around and go back and get the team for a broader search, he saw Michael.

Walter approached him slowly stooping down to where he was sitting. He saw the tracks of tears on Michael's face, saw pain in the red-rimmed green eyes. "You ok Michael?" he asked a sincere tone of concern in his voice. He waited for Michael to respond but got no reply. "Listen Michael" Walter began only to be cut off mid sentence.

"Leave me alone Walter…. Please" Michael begged as he turned his head away. In a whisper of a voice so soft Walter had to strain to hear he said.."She's right you know…..Its better this way."

"What's better this way? Walter asked not grasping Michael's meaning. He grabbed Michael's arm wanting him to look at him and as he did so he heard a gasp. He stared at the young man wanting to comprehend – his mind at first not registering what had happened – and saw him crumble to the ground. Michael's arm, finally released from it's long held position, fell away from his abdomen covered with blood.

************

Birkoff's eyes fluttered open. "Welcome back" Nikita said, a broad grin stretching across her face. "Wait a minute Birkoff, don't try to get up yet." She gave up on her suggestion as he continued to rise to a sitting position.

He rubbed his head with his hand, a gesture Nikita had witness several times, and looked around trying to gain measure of what exactly was going on. "Oh…no…. Nikita…what about Michael?" he stammered.

"Don't worry about Michael she reassured, her own frown of worry flashing over her features – her concern not for his physical being as were Birkoff's.

"But Nikita" Birkoff hissed…. He's been shot…. I keep trying to tell you…. Why wont you listen."

"Because Michael brought you in…I saw him…He was fine…It must have hit the vest." Nikita stated with confidence.

"No..Nikita…. He gave ME his vest before we went in!" Birkoff yelled.

Before the realization of Birkoff's words could settle in, Walter came bounding in. Nikita turned around sharply and stared stunned at the two before her. Michael lay in Walter's arms, head sagging forward into his chest, arms and legs hanging lifelessly. She couldn't move, in fact she watched as if it were a dream. She saw the others assist Walter - watched as Michael was placed gently onto the ground, but in her eyes it was happening in slow motion, one agonizing clip at a time. "Oh, my God…he's dead" kept invading her thoughts in a constant reverie and the anguish that wrapped around her heart was more than she could bear.

"Sugar…I need your help" Walter shouted. He had already begun to remove Michael's jacket and was shouting orders to the other operatives."I need some water and some cloth –get the first aid kit- and someone get on the horn with Madeline we need pick-up as soon as possible!" He looked again over at Nikita and shouted, "NIKITA PLEASE HELP ME!"

Nikita's head jerked as if she had been slapped. Snapping out of her haze she ran over to where the fallen Michael lay. She helped Walter remove Michael's jacket and shirt, both of them working frantically. "He's still alive"

Walter grunted "He'll make it Sugar."

Nikita gazed at Michael. His eyes were open but they were glazed and she knew he was in shock. His beautiful face was ashen and he struggled with every breath he took. Hesitantly she let her eyes glide down his chest, squinting them in preparation for what she really didn't want to see. Her hand flew to her mouth to contain the gasp that had already escaped. She stared at the wound with horror; it was ragged and gaping, blood still escaping at an alarming rate.

"We've got to apply a pressure dressing." Walter urged. He had already begun the procedure but wanted to make sure Nikita was still with him.

She helped Walter lift Michael's midsection so that a binding could be wrapped around his back. That done Nikita tenderly sponged the blood from Michael's hand, staring at it with sadness, knowing that his hand was the only support for the pain he had had. Guilt flooded her then and she cried, for she knew that she was the reason Michael had gone off alone. One of the operatives came over to her removing his jacket. He looked at her briefly with a reflection of pain in his own eyes. With sorrow and guilt emanating from his posture…. he took the jacket, tucked it gently around Michael and walked away.

************

The van was excruciatingly quiet. Everyone sat suspended in their own little world. The occasional gaze would rest on Michael, as he lay wrapped in a blanket, enveloped in Nikita's arms.

She rocked him slowly, an occasional "please…. please…. please" emitted unknowingly in an almost mantra-like fashion. She held him close, his head to her breast, and her eyes never left his face.

When they arrived at the docking bay medical personnel rushed in and pulled Michael from Nikita's arms. She watched as they placed him on a gurney, biting her lip in an attempt to garner some control, her now empty arms wrapping around herself to fill the aching void.

The med team began emergency treatment en route to Med Lab…. everything happening so fast it was like a blur. Nikita made a start to follow after them and ran smack into Operations. She stepped back and looked up into his eyes…preparing herself to do battle.

"Nikita" Operations began …

"I know, debriefing" she said sarcastically. To her surprise the hardened stare she so often evoked in his eyes wasn't there..He turned to watch the fading view of the med team and looking back at Nikita with a distant and broken voice said "no………..It can wait." He turned and slowly walked away.

Nikita stared at his back in awe…then her features softened in sympathy as she realized that Michael meant more to him than anyone could have known.

For four days Nikita held a steady vigilance at Michael's bedside. She held his hand, sometimes bringing it up to her lips, or gently ran her fingers through the hair that framed his face. He never moved. Gazing at his features told her his sleep was not a peaceful one and she wondered whether he was fighting an internal battle…. She could only hope he was fighting to live.

"Please Michael…. Please come back."

Two days later, six altogether, and Michael's condition hadn't changed. According to the doctors his wound was healing satisfactorily and they themselves were a bit bemused by his lingering state of unconsciousness.

Nikita held her usual vigil at his bedside. "Michael" she began, not expecting a response, "I'm going to tell you a story" She lifted his limp hand into hers and her tale began…She spoke of a man who had experienced love and had known the anguish of that love being lost….a man who appeared cold and ruthless yet negated that vision with kindness and concern for others. One would think she would have had to search her memory extensively for examples of this man's admirable side but the words flowed freely, and even she herself was a bit surprised at how often he had proven himself worthy. "You see Michael" she sighed…"this man deserves the respect and admiration that so often he is deprived of….I need him to be here….we all do…and this man is you." She lowered her eyes to watch her fingers track gently over the hand she still held and ever so slowly that hand encircled hers. Her heart leapt at this subtle gesture and her gaze raised hesitantly to his face. Beautiful green eyes pooled with the tears that threatened to fall stared back at her…..and she suffered a sense of euphoria at hearing Michael's soft voice…."Nikita…..Thank You"

************

Michael buttoned his jacket as he walked. He had spent ten days in Med Lab, an all time record, and despite the fact that he was still very weak, and the doctor's opinion that he should rest, he headed toward his office. As he continued down the hall he could hear the banter of the group surrounding Birkoff's station. His stride slowed and eventually came to a stop. He leaned back against the wall, closed his eyes and proceeded to work on building his shield….preparing himself for the alienation he was sure would be waiting for him. Taking a deep breath he pushed forth and walked toward Birkoff. All eyes were on him and as he had expected the conversations died. Suddenly one of the operatives gave Birkoff a friendly smack and said "What's the matter with you …..Can't you see that if Michael doesn't sit down he's going to fall down?…Give the man your chair!" Birkoff scurried out of his seat and a very surprised Michael was pushed gently into it. "Glad to have you back" another operative smiled.

Operations watched from his office above….Nikita doing the same from the small alcove representing Walter's office. Slowly Michael's rigid posture softened as the group he had joined continued with their conversations, and a small smile spread across his face.

Nikita smiled to herself as her gaze traveled up to Operations. He looked at her, gave a soft smile back and turned away.

Michael had begun his journey on the road to recovery and Nikita vowed to herself that this time he would not travel it alone.

Fin

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