It was difficult being the youngest in Section. Everyone treated him like a kid. The people in the Cafeteria were the WORST though...If he was given one more Hostess product or artificially flavored fruit snack for a meal he was gonna hurl. For some reason they couldn't get it through their hairnet covered heads that he DID like other foods besides Twinkies and Twizzlers... and FORGET about gettin' a cup of coffee! He couldn't even get a hold of one of those nifty stirring things because MICHAEL would get upset...

Birkoff had been in Section for like, almost eight YEARS now and he was STILL the youngest. Even that Gayle chick was two years older than him. She was pretty cool even though despite the fact she was a redhead she still insisited on wearing pink. He liked Gayle, but sometimes she was more immature than everyone at Section thought HE was. He was getting really bored with all the "joystick" comments. He couldn't help it if he was cute...

Section had recruited him at the tender age of thirteen. They had found him seven years ago in his bedroom in front of his computer totally kicking ass at "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?". They had originally come to get his father who they thought had broken into Section's mainframe. Once they realized his father was a used car salesman (and not much else) and didn't even know how to turn ON a computer, they went back to the house and found lil' Birky in the process of catching Carmen in Madagascar with the Mona Lisa (try saying THAT five times fast!). Once they saw his room they realized they had found their man. Birkoff had printed out all of Sections passwords and used them as wallpaper. They figured it was an added bonus that he was so good in Geography...

Michael had been the one to meet him in the white room when he was brought in. Birkoff had called him a cheesehead, and refused to agree to anything untill someone brought him his Nintendo. It took a lotta whining, but he got it. He also got a new room which was also white. It had lots of T.V.'s as well as metal furniture, tons of bubble wrap for him to amuse himself with, and a clear blow-up PLASTIC bed. He supposed they were afraid he wasn't over the bed-wetting stage of his life yet...

The next person Birkoff had met was Walter. The old gut seemed friendly enough untill he told him he didn't know who The Grateful Dead were. Walter eventually forgave him for this and tried to teach him how to shoot a gun. This didn't go over too well, so Walter decided to turn it into a game.

"Hey kid...Duck Hunting's a game in that Atari thinga' yours isn't it? Think of it like that Duck Hunting game..." Birkoff had rolled his eyes and explained that he would much rather spend his time figuring out how the hell to play "Zelda" than shoot at paper. Besides, the gun wasn't even ORANGE...

*************

Before Section sent Birkoff to work he had to meet The Head Honcho and his babe Madelaine Mistress Of The Dark. They were weird. Operations always looked like his turtle neck was too tight, and Madelaine needed a little Summer to balance out her Winter wardrobe. He had never known there were so many shades of brown...

However, aside from Operations threatening to cancell him if he ever messed up or had what Madelaine called "intimate relations" with another operative, he seemed like a nice guy. Madelaine wasn't so bad either, but she was too hung up on the whole Section-One-is-your-family-now thing. She made it sound like the Brady Bunch, and he hated that show... He didn't tell Madelaine that though having learned his lesson with the whole Greatful Dead thing, and before he knew it he was awarded his own desk, complete with a crew of Gayle the redhead and Simon the guy who thought he was in Flock Of Seagulls...It was a proud day when he became their leader...

The last person he had ever met was Nikita. She was a major babe...He had tried all his usual seduction techniques of showing her how to run sims and do security checks, but for some reason she wasn't responding...He let it go when he realized that for some reason she was in love with a guy who looked like he belonged in "Sprockets". He could not understand why all the female operatives in section were so hot for Michael...Was it the accent? Birkoff had an accent - Canadian...people spoke French in Canada...why weren't there any blond operatives letting HIM use their heats as doormats? It just wasn't fair! The worst part was that she thought of him as the "little brother". So did every other woman in Section, and this often led to feelings of guilt and disgust beacause he wanted to sleep with his sisters. He tried to explain this to Madelaine, and she immediately reminded him of the whole "intimate realtions", early grave thing. Needless to say, he decided to forget about it.

Birkoff got over his feelings eventually, as did Walter, and they consoled themselves together by imagining all the early pioneers of feminism rolling in their graves because of Nikita's pursual of that MIB.

Aside from the little annoyances, Birkoff was fairly content. He figured someday he'd be older than some new recruit, and would be able to finally move onto meals that included the four basic food groups. It was something he was really looking forward to...And who knew - maybe someday he would learn to use a gun - then he could shoot the lock off of the espresso maker, and finally get a cup of coffee...

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