Adam cleared his throat. “You really want to know this Daddy? When Michael merely nodded, Adam continued. “Mom got really tired of me ignoring her every time she had something to say. I guess I was being a brat. She was really lonely too. She started dating again. I didn’t like that. I didn’t want anyone to replace my Daddy. I yelled and screamed at anyone who came to pick her up for a date. It got to a point where they stopped showing up at the house. I started to feel bad because Mommy was so lonely, but I just couldn’t help it. I knew the way I was acting was wrong, and that it was hurting her, but I couldn’t seem to stop. Then one night I woke up after I heard a loud bang. I ran to Mommy’s bedroom, but she was not there. I went downstairs, she wasn’t in the living room either. I saw a light in your downstairs office; Mommy had been writing in there lately. I snuck closer to the door and pushed it in slowly. I didn’t want her to know I was out of bed. I found her lying on the floor. Daddy, the floor was covered in blood. I screamed and I cried. And there was nothing I could do. I ran out of the house and over to Tommy’s. His daddy opened the door that I was banging on. I had on no shoes and no coat. He brought me inside to Tommy’s mommy and then went over to our house. He called the police and waited there for them.”

Michael was watching his son carefully. Adam had stopped pacing and was staring off into nothing as he spoke. Michael noticed that there were still no tears. He did notice, however, that at the end of his speech, Adam’s body began to tremble like a leaf. He knew Adam was reliving some things that his mind and body were just not ready to deal with. Moving quietly as a cat, Michael stood and moved closer to Adam. He did not want to spook him, for he knew if he did, Adam would bolt. He knew Adam was wrapped up in his memories, horrible memories that he would not wish on anyone, much less a six-year old. He picked Adam up and attempted to hold him close. Adam snapped out of his reverie and began to fight him like a hellcat. He pushed at Michael’s chest. he kicked, he screamed, he even bit and head-butted Michael on his chin. Although this move caused Michael to bite his own tongue, he held fast to Adam. He could not afford to let go. If he let go now he was conceding defeat to his son and he was not ready to let that happen. After a few moments, Adam quit fighting and buried his head in Michael’s chest. Only then did the tears begin to pour from his hazel eyes.

*************

Michael fell to a sitting position on the leaf-strewn ground. He held tight to Adam, trying to protect his son from the sobs that were wracking through his little body. He wished he could have shielded his son from the memories that had caused those sobs, but Michael knew better than to live his life based on what-could-have-beens. He had too many experiences fears and bad memories. He knew that he must find a way to help his son deal with his inner demons, otherwise, Adam would carry those demons throughout his life. Michael would not wish that on anyone.

Michael’s voice was calm and soothing. Sometimes the words themselves were harsh but Michael’s tone of voice helped those harsh words to reach deep down into Adam’s heart. Rather than causing more pain, those words worked as a balm to his tiny soul.

“Adam, I know you are feeling guilty about your mother’s death. You feel that because you behaved as you did, you made your mother unhappy. but, Adam, you were just acting as any 3 year-old would under those circumstances. You had nothing to do with your mother committing suicide. It was not your fault. You should not blame yourself for that. If there is anyone to blame, son, it would be me.”

Adam attempted to raise his head off of Michael’s shoulder. He wanted to look Michael in the eyes. Michael gently pushed his son’s head back to his shoulder. He knew that if he were going to be able to say what he had to say and face his own demons, he would not be able to face Adam in such a blatant way. “Adam, you may not be able to understand all the things I have to tell you now. You may understand some of it better when you are a little older. Most of it I would never have imagined saying to you, but I think you need to hear it, now. A very long time ago, your Daddy did something very, very bad, and he was not proud of it. I will not go into the details of it Adam, but because it was very, very bad, your Daddy went to prison. While I was in prison, I was brought to Section One. The people there thought that even though I had done something bad, I could learn to do something good for the world. They trained me to be the best. They wanted me to go out into the world and bring all of the bad guys back to them, so that they could either get rid of them or have them work for Section One in order for us to get more bad guys. Understand so far?”

Adam nodded his head on Michael’s shoulder. Michael took a deep breath and continued. “A few years after I had become the best operative in Section, my bosses came across someone that they had been trying to get a hold of for many years. That man was your grandfather. In order to find him and bring him to Section, they had me marry your mother. We knew that your mother had been searching for your grandfather for many years. They hoped that if I got close to your mother, I would eventually get close to Salla Vachek. I was not supposed to get personally attached to Elena, but I was to make her believe that I was. Then before I knew it we were expecting you. And I could not help but get attached to the woman who was my son’s mother. The leaders of Section One did not like this idea.”

Michael paused to see if Adam had any questions. Adam just adjusted his position slightly and said, “I understand so far Dad, keep talking.”

Michael had to smile slightly, despite the emotions raging through him. Adam sometimes had a way of unnerving him. “I really cared for your mother Adam. I did not love her in the way a man loves a woman. It’s a little hard to explain, Adam. One day you will understand what I mean. Let’s just say we had a mutual respect for each other. Shortly after you were born, Nikita was brought into Section One. I trained her. I fell in love with her the moment I first laid eyes on her. But, that did not change the respect I had for your mother, nor the love I had for you, Adam.”

Adam nodded slightly again and snuggled in closer to Michael. Michael sensed that his son understood, even if he did not quite approve.

“When your mother was in the hospital, she had been drugged. Section had asked me to do it, I couldn’t go through with it. I could not hurt your mother like that. Remember the night Nikita had dinner with us? When I let you have the glass of wine? And I knocked over Mommy’s glass and said you had knocked over the candle?” Adam nodded and Michael continued. “ I had put the drugs in her wine, but I couldn’t let her drink it. Anyway, Section found a way to drug her, and when she was in the hospital, your grandfather came to see her after all those years. Section arranged to have him killed and they shot me to pretend that I was dead so I could get out of my mission. Then I was told that I could never see you again. I did not like this, Adam, but you have been in Section long enough to understand that operatives follow orders. I never meant to hurt you or your mother Adam. I loved you more than life itself, I still do.”

Having bared his soul to his son, Michael could only hope for some sort of understanding from his son. He felt his shoulder get warm with the tears of his son, for Adam was crying again. This time, however, there were no great racking sobs, just quiet tears. Adam lifted his head to look at Michael. Michael tried to turn his face away. He did not think he could bear to see the look of betrayal on his son’s face nor the accusing look in his eyes. Adam, however was not content to let Michael away this time. His little hand took Michael gently by the chin and turned his face to meet his unwavering gaze. Father and son stared deeply into each other’s eyes for several moments.

Adam kissed his father’s cheek gently. “Daddy, I know I don’t understand most of what you said, and I know I don’t like most of what you had to say, but if it was not my fault, then neither was it yours. You said it yourself, operatives in Section One follow orders. You were just following orders. So. Daddy, if you want me to promise to forgive myself because Mommy died, then you have to forgive yourself too. I can’t do it unless you do.”

A single tear fell down Michael’s cheek at his son’s words. Adam wiped the tear from his cheek and wrapped his arms around Michael’s neck. Together, father and son, shed tears. But this time, they were tears of catharsis.

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