WHAT IF....? (the sketch)

...you were channel-surfing one day and ran across something like this?

RICKI: Hi, everybody. I'm Ricki Lake. Our topic today: Kick-Butt Babes and the Bad Boys in Black Who Keep Messing with Them. Joining us are Nikita No-Last-Name, also known as Josephine--

NIKITA: J'hoe-zuh-feeen.

RICKI: Huh?

NIKITA: I only answer if it's pronounced J'hoe-zuh-feen.

RICKI: French, right?

NIKITA: Don't go there.

RICKI: Nice attitude! You sound like that Mistress Maddy chick Jerry Springer had on last week. Also with us, Buffy Summers of Sunnydale, California. Buffy, tell us a little about yourself.

BUFFY: I'm seventeen. My high school sits on the Mouth of Hell. My life's work is...um...trying to get a life but it's major hard because I'm the Chosen One and I have to spend all my spare time slaying vampires. Also, my boyfriend broke up with me in a really heinous way this season.

RICKI: Nikita?

NIKITA: I was falsely accused of a hideous crime and sentenced to life in prison. One night I was taken from my cell to a place called Section One, the most covert anti-terrorist organization on Earth.

RICKI: God, don't you HATE when stuff like that happens? Now, about this Section One place. That's where you met Mr. Wrong?

NIKITA: I TOLD YOUR BOOKERS I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT JURGEN!!

BUFFY: Jurgen? What kind of name is JURGEN?

NIKITA: What kind of name is Willow? Or Xander?

RICKI: Touche.

NIKITA: No French!!

RICKI: All right! You've made your point. Forget Jerky. Your Bad Boy in Black is--

NIKITA: FRENCH!!

RICKI: Uh, I was asking his name, Nikita, not his nationality.

NIKITA: Oh. Sorry. It's Michael.

RICKI: Cool.

NIKITA: As ice.

BUFFY: My guy's Angel and his body temp's a little bit below normal, too.

RICKI: But we're talking Alpha Male hunkage, right? The Ultimate Eye Candy guys?

NIKITA: Does Walter build bombs?

BUFFY: Is THREE one of the stupidest shows on TV? Can we say photocopying with an extremely low supply of toner, WB?

RICKI: I'll take both those answers to mean yes. Buffy, sum up Angel for me.

BUFFY: Gorgeous. Tortured. Saved my bony butt a bunch of times.

RICKI: What about Michael, Nikita?

NIKITA: Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

RICKI: And your big bitch with him is--?

NIKITA: He told me to be patient.

BUFFY: Harsh.

NIKITA: And to get over it.

BUFFY: Oh, WAY harsh! All Angel did is try to kill me, my mom, my friends, my Watcher--

NIKITA: You're an Immortal as well as the Chosen One?

BUFFY: Excuse me?

NIKITA: You mentioned having a Watcher.

BUFFY: OH! Uh, no. Sorry. It gets confusing. Same employment title, different job responsibilities. Angel is kind of an Immortal, though. He's one of the Undead.

NIKITA: Gotcha.

RICKI: So glad we got that straightened out. Now, let's talk about sex.

NIKITA: Michael and I did it once. On a boat. Think slo-mo lip lock...dissolve...fade up on a double moon shot. Triple moon, if you count the one outside the port hole. NO hand-dancing. I'm hoping for flashbacks. I'm also praying the title ROGUE LOVERS isn't another example of TPTB playing mind games.

RICKI: Uh-huh. Buffy?

BUFFY: Angel was my first and only. The really juicy stuff happened during the commercial. Then he changed.

RICKI: They always do, girlfriend. Read THE RULES. Uh--what's your plan for handing your problem man?

BUFFY: Drive a stake through his heart.

RICKI: Very pro-active! Nikita?

NIKITA: Well, since I'm not sure Michael HAS a heart, the stake-driving option isn't really within mission parameters. I DID semi-dump him, but it sort of backfired on me. Aside from being a real loser in the hair department, the guy I got involved with turned out to be blackmailing Section. He also blew himself up--

BUFFY: Are you sure? I heard YOU blew yourself up, too, and you seem pretty together. Aside from the fashion faux pas hat.

NIKITA: GIVE ME A BREAK WITH THE HAT, WILL YOU? And as for the possibility of Jurgen surviving the blast...come on! A shaped charge, detonating at crotch level? Even if he's still alive, who'd want him?

He's definitely out of the picture. In pieces. And just for the record: I didn't blow myself up. Michael did. Or, at least, he pretended to. See, Ops ordered my cancellation and--

RICKI: Thanks for the clarification, Nikki. Actually, WE'RE going to be cancelled if I don't break for commercial pretty soon. But before I do, I want to get a quick comment from someone in the audience. Sir, I think I heard you muttering something about the Truth being out there?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (Standing) Uh, yes. My name is Mulder. I'm a special agent with the FBI. I don't speak French. My first name is Fox. Like the network. Just a coincidence, according to Chris Carter. Yeah. Like we all believe *that.* I want to say that I totally relate to what Buffy and Nikita have been saying. If my partner were here, she'd probably be a lot more skeptical about this than I am. But she's been abducted, which is all part of the mythology arc that's meant lure people into movie theaters this summer for--

RICKI: (impatient) Your POINT, sir?

MULDER: Oh. Uh, yes. My point. I do have one. A point, I mean. My point is, the Truth IS out there. There ARE covert government agencies whose ends are just but whose means are ruthless. There are conspiracies so complicated even *I* get confused. And the stuff about ghouls, demons and vampires--well, if you could see my files--

NIKITA: (bored) Read them. Birkoff hacked in MONTHS ago.

MULDER: Seymour Birkoff is an ALIEN CLONE!

BUFFY: You mean there's more than one of him? Oh, cool! Birky's mega-cute. A total Baldwin.

NIKITA: You think so, too?

BUFFY: Are you kidding, 'Kita? Have you ever watched the way he eats a Twizzler?

NIKITA: Actually, I get more tingles from his Oreo action.

BUFFY: Oh, yeah! You know, that reminds me of another issue I have with Angel.

NIKITA: (sympathetic) Let me guess. He doesn't like licking the white stuff.

BUFFY: Oh, puh-leeeze. He's been sucking for centuries! But do you have *any* idea what it's like to date a guy whose concept of fine dining begins and ends with human blood?

NIKITA: Bummer. Michael doesn't eat enough to keep body and soul together. But considering I'm not sure he HAS a soul...

(CUT TO COMMERCIAL could it be a teaser for LFN?)

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