I don't talk much. Silence is often more threatening than words. But I watch. A lot. I don't particularly enjoy it. Joy is not a part of my scarce vocabulary anymore. I just do it. It's part of the job like everything else in my life. I examine, I study, I look for mistakes, way out, egresses, discrepancies... But I don't take pleasure in anything I do since Simone died. Or rather I didn't...

For you see, now I like to watch... You.

It's part of my job to watch you Nikita. I'm your trainer, I am supposed to keep an eye on you. I am to follow your progress, search for your weaknesses, evaluate your strengths. You're not aware of it yet but they, we, spy on you constantly. That's the rule in Section. They spy on me too, you know.

So, as your trainer, I obeyed this golden rule and started to watch you. I had no idea it would soon turn into watching OVER you. And I would never have imagined how much I would enjoy it.

I had to let you go yesterday. Your first mission was a success and now you'll live away from me. For two years, you were within reach inside section walls. But last night, I took you to your new quarters and I could tell you considered it already like your home. You smiled when I told you it belonged to you. Yes, it's fancy and warm, but don't you believe it's less a jail than the one you lived in for two years. You have no idea that cameras are hidden everywhere, haven't you?

It was hard to leave you. I have never sought you out during those two years you slept in Section but I knew you were close. Somehow, it was enough. Now, I must give up this proximity and it's tearing me apart. I wanted to stay last night. I know I shouldn't, couldn't, but I was hoping against hope that you would ask me to stay.

I returned to Section to finish some work after leaving you because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. It was quiet, only the graveyard shift was there and among them the team who's watching your every move. I'm jealous of them at times for they get to see you more than I do. I despise them too for they steal away the little freedom that you have. But before morning came I had to hate myself too for I became one of them.

I had not intended to spy on you. I didn't want to. I had never done it while you lived in Section. I have never wished to intrude on your privacy this way. Others do it, studying every movement you make. In your apartment, surveillance will become more sporadic after a while even if it will never truly disappear, but for the moment it is constant. God, I fear your reaction when you will realise that!

Anyway for now, there are hidden cameras in every room and I was trying not to think about it. Not to think about you away from me. Sleeping, peacefully I hoped, in this new bed, in this new "home". I was restless, Nikita. I couldn't focus on anything else but you. I didn't know when I would see you again. It could be months before they called you in. I knew you needed time to settled down, time for yourself, but I didn't think I could wait that long. I had to see you and I couldn't just drop by at your place. Madeline would cancel you on the spot if she knew how I feel, how I long for you. She would assume my feelings would eventually threaten my blood cover mission, my fake marriage with Elena. Maybe she's right... I don't know. I don't care. It's hard to look into your heart when you believed it to be dead.

In any case, I didn't think about the consequences of my actions when I finally re-routed the feed of the surveillance cameras to my laptop. I didn't mean to catch you in an inappropriate position. It was hardly dawn and I just hoped to watch you sleep.

When the camera hidden in your room showed your bed was empty, I feared for a second you might have tried to escape and I frantically scanned all the rooms looking for you. The kitchen, the living room, the terrace... the bathroom...

There you were and the second relief overwhelmed me, it was already too late for me to turn back. I saw you, glorious naked you, and I couldn't turn off the screen.

You had a smile on your face while you body was soaking lazily in a bubble bath. The foam was playing hide and seek with your nakedness. Eyes closed, hair hanging loose, half hiding your chest, you were relaxed and peaceful and so achingly beautiful. I had never seen you naked before, Nikita. During those two years, it would have been easy if I had wanted to. But I told you I never meant to intrude. Oh, I have dreamt about this, of seeing your clothes fall off slowly while my hands revealed your beauty to my heated gaze, but I never thought the first time would be with me playing peeping Tom on you. I'm sorry. It was an accident but there was no way back. I was frozen in admiration. Tu es si belle, 'Kita.

The water was gently rippling against your still form like a lover's touch and I was wishing it was me who made you sigh in contentment. It should have been me.

There are no bathtubs in Section only showers, so I imagine you couldn't resist the pleasure of soaking in a hot bath after all these years. I longed to be there with you, your head resting on my shoulder, you back lying on my chest, body nestled between my open legs. I wanted to truly share this moment of intimacy with you instead of stealing it like a voyeur.

But I was mesmerised my beautiful siren. My dreams never have been as beautiful as you, they never did you justice. God, how am I to touch you again casually after seeing all of you. All these treasures revealed to my roving eyes. Will I be able to take your hand without reaching for more? You're a torture, my sweet. I'm gonna die from the strength of my need, I know it. How long will I be able to resist you? I must. Will you help me? Will your anger, your hate sadly, be enough to keep me at bay? I can only fight you if you fight me.

Your hands started to play with your wet hair and I was fascinated by the path of a droplet gently following the curve of your neck. It seemed to hesitate at your collarbone and then dripped fast down to touch a rosy bud. My breath was coming short as the drop hang there for a second until you moved and it returned where it came from. Fascinated, I followed the path of another one, willing it to go where I wanted it the most, where my lips would kiss along if I was there with you. Yes, fall from her hair down her cheek, then her neck. Linger there a moment; now go on... Yes there, right between her breasts... Oh Lord, I could only imagine through the foam the rest of the journey.

There should be poems written about your beauty, 'Kita. If I had any gift for literature, I would write a whole book on the gentle curve of your lips or the hundred different ways you smile. I would spend volumes describing the way your skin glistened underwater like wet satin and softer I'm sure. I would explain how your gracious alabaster breasts rising above the water with every breath you took made my mouth dry and my hands shake. How powerful and vulnerable were the curves leading from your waist to your hips. I'd paint you if I knew how. I'd use the ocean with its stormy seas and its peaceful depths as a model to portray your changing eyes bluer than paradise.

What were you thinking of half asleep in the bathtub? Was it dreams of freedom that were bringing a smile to your lips? I wanted you to think about me but I knew the thought wouldn't make you happy. Is it in my power to bring a true smile on your face? Enjoy this peace while it lasts, ma douce. You heart can still rejoice in simple things like a bubble bath. It takes a lot more for mine to simply beat. It takes you.

In my lonely office, I was trying to imagine the feel of your damp skin under my fingers. What you would taste like all wet and soft and warm under my tongue? What was the scent of the bath salts you used? I hoped it wasn't masking the delicate fragrance of your skin. I was caught in those forbidden thoughts, those delicious fantasies when you stood up and my heart skipped a beat. How can I describe you then, tall and proud and innocent and strong. My heart knows the words but my tongue can't process them. I've never wanted anyone or anything more than I wanted, still want, you. My quest for justice never grew that strong, my desire for freedom never ran so deep, none of my prayers have ever been so dedicated. *Take me to her*, I begged. *Take me to her and let me stay*.

As you were about to leave the tub, you froze and lifted your head unknowingly towards the camera. Your gaze pierced me as if you had heard my silent call. As if a sixth sense was telling you I was there, desiring you from afar. Always from afar. You didn't look worried or afraid, just surprised like when you hear a familiar noise and instinctively look where it comes from. I held my breath while you stood there dripping, the steam forming a halo around you, until you shook your lovely head and left the tub to my relief and agony. Only then could I turn off the screen.

I sat in the darkness for the longest time trying to catch my breath. You make me lose control, 'Kita, I know the rebel in you would enjoy that. Still, I'll stay away. I won't try to seduce you. Nobody will know how I feel. Not even you. Never. Or maybe... Not yet. I don't know anymore.

The only thing I'm sure of is that I won't spy on you like this again. Even if part of me is dying to. It's too good, it hurts too good. The sight of you there keeps replaying in my head. I stopped fighting it. My fantasies of you all involve the sea now, I see myself parting the waters and fighting the tide to reach you. Sometimes, the ocean swallows me before I can touch you and I wake up in a cold sweat. Other times, the only place I drown is within your eyes...

I know I long for all the things I'll never have. All the places I'll never go. Your body is as forbidden to me as your heart and still I can't help it. The next time I'll see you, I'll picture you in that bathtub again, wet and warm and waiting. And against all odds, the same question will rise from my soul. How long my heart's desire, my torturous mermaid? How long before I see you again?

THE END

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