This is an extract of Open Heart in the prison, after Nikita was beaten up and she sleeps. A bit of spoiler in it. This is the first time I’m ever writing fan fiction; go easy on me! Rated PG 13

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The pain swirls around me, dark frightening colours looming around my vision. There is a dull sound that is coming in beats all over the place, or is it just in my head? Pain. My back feels like it can’t hold itself together much longer.

I’m going to break into shards, I think suddenly, wondering where that thought came from.

Then slowly, I feel myself float.

***

I‘m trapped.

I didn’t know what I was trapped in. I couldn’t see anything. Just the hard walls around me. I try to stand but something is pushing against my back. I try again. I really did, but I couldn’t. Couldn’t feel my legs, couldn’t feel the ground. My vision is fading, nothing is real. And then I realise I’m dreaming.

I’m dreaming but I’m also standing in his office.

‘Drop it, Ni-ki-ta,’ he says to me.

‘No’, I tell him, glaring, angry and blinking my tears away. ‘Give it back to me’.

‘I can’t’, he says simply, the unspoken regret shining through his eyes, is that a tear? For me? Or for himself?

‘Yes, yes you can,’ I say with false confidence, looking at him, my eyes now too filled with tears to see him properly. I blink again, a flood of tears make their way down my cheeks. ‘Give it back.’

‘I can’t, Kita,’ his voice, gently, like a lover’s, caressing my body. My knees feel weak. He walks towards me, unafraid of the gun I hold in my hands.

‘I will shoot you,’ I warn him, a rock choking my throat.

‘I know,’ softly, his accent is more pronounced this time.

Then suddenly he isn’t there anymore.

‘Michael!’ I cry out, looking frantically around. At the back of my mind I hear myself cry out and reach for something, someone, some measure of comfort I hoped I could receive.

Then sleep drags me back into her abyss.

***

I am lying with him on the bed, his head pillowed against my stomach. I stare up at the ceiling; it looks vaguely familiar. And then I remember- I am on the boat at Lyons.

‘I’m cold,’ I complain, knowing he isn’t fully asleep; his breathing wasn’t deep enough.

He stirs, and looks at me, green eyes filled with love and desire. I was a woman, not just his pupil. I was someone in his eyes. The woman he had held in his arms just moments ago.

He wants me. Even after hours of lovemaking, he wants me still. Maybe one day, he’ll love me as well. Maybe he loves me. Maybe he doesn’t. Yet.

‘Michael,’ I murmur, stroking his soft curls.

His head shifts lower.

‘Michael,’ I gasp softly, arching to his seeking lips. He raises his head and looks at me. Was that a glint of humour in his eyes?

‘What are you doing to me?’ I ask, feeling my desire for him surge.

‘Just warming you up,’ he says, a faint ghost of a smile on his mouth.

***

I am standing on the sidewalk of my old neighbourhood.

‘Please mom,’ I sob harshly against her, while she fights to push away from my embrace. ‘Don’t you love me anymore? Don’t do this mom, please,’ I cry. She pushes me away. I fall to the payment crying like a child again.

‘Please, Mummy! Mummy please, don’t do this, take me back, take me back,’ I struggle to stand up as she pushes me violently back onto the pavement.

She is running to the door. I run after her, instinctively knowing that if I get there before her she wouldn’t shut the door on me.

She wouldn’t be able to chase me out again. It didn’t matter that she didn’t love me, I could make her one day, she couldn’t throw me out! I wouldn’t be able to show her that I loved her that I’ll stay with her no matter what happens. She didn’t need to throw me out. I wouldn’t let her. I need her. She needs me.

But she gets there first and the next thing I hear is the door slamming at my face.

‘Mom!’ I scream, banging the door with my fists, trying to get back inside, anything, I had to get back in…..I had to, my heart was gripped with a terror so intense, I couldn’t think. My fists keep banging at the door, harder, harder, they are bleeding, the blood mixing with the tears in my eyes.

‘Mom?’ I cry out again, desperate for a last chance. ‘I love you mom, let me in please!’

‘Please?’ I whisper, my hope draining as that single word is left unanswered.

Please. Don’t leave me alone.

***

I wake suddenly, feeling the hard, thin mattress against my chest. Jenna is cleaning me, tenderly touching my back. I feel shivers run down my spine. Shivers I manage to hide. But barely.

‘You talk in your sleep.’ She says. ‘Who’s Michael?’ she asks, almost casually.

I can barely remember the fuzzy dreams that clouded my sleep. I say the first thing that comes to mind.

‘My brother.’

But I know my face gives the game away. How can she not know I’m lying? My eyes had surely given me away.

‘I thought he might be your boyfriend.’ She says, almost jealous.

I laugh. ‘Not likely,’ I reply, smiling at her, the way Madeline taught me. It had to work on gay women too. I fill myself with thoughts of kissing her, tried to feel desire for this woman. I look at her lips. I look at her eyes.

Nothing. Just distaste and disgust. Men have always been my preferred choice.

I don’t think I can keep this up much longer.

End

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