The following is a brief character study that takes place at the conclusion of “End Game”, while Nikita is waiting in her apartment to be informed of her fate.

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The apartment was dark. It was a darkness born not only of the absence of light, but of that moment that exists when time is suspended between dreams of hope, and nightmares of reality. The pause between one heart beat, and the next.

Nikita was home. She had no recollection of how she’d arrived, or even how long she’d been there. It was almost as if she had stepped out of the stream of time, to walk along side as an observer. She was not afraid. She was not anything that she could name. Perhaps numb, and empty, came closest to describing how she felt, but these words lacked the quality necessary to depict the world within which she now existed. Her senses were heightened beyond words. With a clarity never before experienced, she could see and understand, the truth and meaning of everything around her. She could taste the crispness of the air, feel the textures of time, and smell the scents of her life.

In this moment, Nikita, for the first time, knew that each second that passed would never come again. In this moment, she could savor the experience of the specialness of each discreet increment. She watched, in wide eyed innocence, the nuances that made each beat of time different from all others. Like snowflakes, each was unique, never again repeated. They only appeared the same to those who didn’t look closely.

The clock ticked. Nikita marveled at the sense of calm she now felt. Shouldn’t she be feeling something different, she wondered? Weren’t fear, or terror, or desperation more fitting? Shouldn’t she be panicking? Then, the clarity of the moment washed over her. She realized that she was walking a path that she’d never taken before, and as such there were no rules. She could be anything that she needed to be. Calm was OK. Maybe there would be something different later, but in this moment she was calm, and she accepted this.

Looking around the room, her eyes traveled over her possessions, lingering briefly on each one. Each had been picked out with a purpose. She had an attachment to each. She’d created a home in which she could feel comfortable and relaxed. Nikita smiled as she remembered the hours she’d spent listening to favorite CDs, drinking wine, visiting with those whom she’d called friend. Sadness began to invade the moment, and then she understood. She might lose these objects and memories soon, but in this instant they were still with her. She stayed with the moment, and the sadness retreated.

Fervently, she prayed for time to stop. Regret gnawed at the edges of her mind. Why now, when the length of her life could be measured in minutes, did she finally come to appreciate all that she’d had. Why couldn’t she have discovered this before. If only she’d known a year ago what she knew now, she’d have cherished all that Michael had done for her. All of the energy she’d wasted trying to prove she was as tough as he was. All of the time that could never be recaptured. Tears collected in the corners of her eyes. Had she ever told Walter how truly special he was to her? She wished she’d told Birkoff how she loved him as a brother, and was so very proud of the way that he handled life in Section. These moments were gone. She’d let them slip by, and now... Now, she could only let go of these regrets. She could not go back in time, but now, she understood. Nikita knew that this moment, now, wouldn’t come again, and she didn’t want to spend it in regrets. This moment was for something different. She let go of the regrets, deciding that this moment was for calling on happy memories.

Her heart beat, and Nikita found herself standing out on the balcony. Resting her forearms against the top of the railing, she leaned forward. The night breeze gently tossed her hair about her shoulders, while distant sounds of traffic and life, drifted languidly into her awareness. Closing her eyes, she turned her face into the breeze, concentrating on the sensations. She could feel the gentle friction as air caressed her cheeks and brow. A sense of peace wrapped itself about her as she stood very still, in the moment. When she considered it, her life had not been all that bad. She’d experienced the heights of passion, and the depths of despair. However, it wasn’t until now, that she realized that she could not have had one, without the other. She had lived, truly lived. And she could face death with her eyes open, knowing this. She would have wished for more time if given the choice, but she hadn’t.

The moment moved on. Her peace was shattered by the ringing of her cell phone. Tears immediately sprang to her eyes, her heart beat faster. Abruptly she was pulled back into the flow of time. She was powerless to change what lie ahead, whatever that might be. That moment, the moment she feared, it was too close. She had no choice but to move towards it, but she didn’t want to go. Hypnotically she turned and began her journey. Her mind dissociated from her body. Then she remembered. Each second was precious and unique. Until she picked up the phone, she had the time between two beats of a heart, to dream and hope. She’d hang on to each one of these until forced to give it up. And with each step, she stayed in the moment.

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