7th August 1998

4 years on since I was awoken in Section and not a thing has changed. I'm still that scared innocent girl that was brought in to face Michael in the White Room.

I still see myself as innocent even though I have killed many. That is why I have found it so hard to live my life in Section. Constantly being watched like birds' prey. My life is no longer my own, I live for Section and not myself. My world has done a U-turn, only I haven't turned with it.

I know that one day I will die, whether it be on a mission or of old age. Maybe even a broken heart (already got that!). Life is something that is precious and given to you so that you can enjoy every second that you have. Some people don't even get that second of life. I should be grateful that I've had the 20 odd years that I have. My life is far from perfect. I can't have any friends or relationships inside or out of Section. Both are too dangerous.

I always pictured myself old and grey surrounded by children and grandchildren with a man who I loved by my side. Looks like that dream was shattered the day mum kicked me out of the house. From then on my life went down. I was living on the streets with nowhere to call home, I was falsely accused of killing a police officer in cold blood and sentenced to death and then captured by Section One and forced to do their work. At least I have a roof over my head, food on my plate and clothes on my back. Other than those I have nothing, but my soul and emotions. Those are seemingly forbidden in Section, but I still have them and want to pass them on to others. Others who will appreciate them.

I can't stand all of the lies and deceit that I am being forced to carry out along with the knowledge that someone else has the power to terminate my life for inadequate reasoning. Life has become unbearable now that I have no friends. Sure I have Walter and Birkoff, but it isn't the same as real friends like Carla who are there no matter what. Madeline might want to seem friendly at first, but she's the deadliest person I know. She gets to know you in order to assess you and create a profile of your strengths and weaknesses to use against you. I don't know where I stand with Michael. One minute he's my friend and then he goes and betrays my trust yet again, leaving me feeling like an old banana skin that's rotted and insignificant. I don't know that I can believe anything anyone says to me anymore.

I should be grateful that I am alive and not rotting in some jail cell until I die. I have a life and I'm not knocking it, but I wish that I had the freedom to express myself and to live without someone watching over me and keeping me in line. I had hoped that one day I would free myself and I can see that the time is nearing. With my 6 months of freedom I learnt nothing. I might have had a job and an apartment and friends, but I wasn't myself. It was all a lie. I was no longer Nikita. I became someone else hoping that Section would not find me. I suppose if I'm honest, they didn't find me. They sub-consciously always had me and I just didn't know it. I was drawn back into their world because of my feelings for Michael even though I know that they cannot be acted upon. I wish so much that I were still free, but with someone who feels for me as I feel for them. The only way that I can now be free is to either die or to accept what I have and live on. I know that both will be hard to achieve, but I have made the hardest decision of my life and decided upon one of these options. I know that every word I write into this computer will be logged and read by Michael and Madeline with the possibility of Operations.

My message to you lot is that this is the last you will see of the old Nikita and you all got your wish. To everybody I no longer exist and that includes you.

Nikita

********************************************************************

Sitting in his office, Michael stared at the journal entry that was displayed on his computer. What she had written just didn't make any sense and he wasn't prepared to take the risk that it was all a lie. Slowly he stood from his computer and made his way towards Madeline's office. She would know what was going on in Nikita's head. She always did. He just wished that he had that insight and knew what was wrong without having fighting emotions running through him. From the first time he had seen her innocent body curled up in the White Room he had known that something was different about her. Section had known all along that Nikita was innocent of her accused crime, but that didn't make a difference. If she weren't capable then she would be cancelled and since her sentence was death it wouldn't make much difference. He had tried his best to ensure that Nikita was safe from the extreme horrors of Section life, but he didn't know how much longer it would take for her to figure them out. She only saw the 'best' side of Section One and knew nothing of their other work. Soon she would know and he wasn't sure how she would be able to cope with it. If she could blackout her emotions and deal with what she saw then she would be advanced another level and brought into his standard, but if not she would be expendable as Operations would say. He knew that without Nikita his life would again turn cold and empty without anybody to care for. He had lost that life many years ago when he was first brought to Section and lost the one woman he dearly cared for. Simone may have been his wife, but he did not care for her as he had Celeste and Nikita now. Losing Simone had been hard especially as it had occurred twice, but the reality of losing his first love and the prospect of losing Nikita were even worse. He wouldn't be able to pick himself up.

Walking into Madeline's office he realised that he still didn't understand the relationship that she had with Operations. They were around each other each and every day, but not just at Section. Any free time and they spent it together. It was just like they were an old married couple.

After reading the journal entry, Madeline looked up at Michael. "Michael, you must protect her. As you must understand she is not expendable and will not be lost. Do whatever is necessary."

Michael knew what this meant. It was time that he was to yet again to go and betray her trust and feelings by manipulating her. Making his way out of Madeline's office, she called out to him.

"Michael" He turns to face her "Honesty will not be frowned upon and no actions will be taken to destroy either party."

"On whose orders?"

"The highest."

"Operations?"

"Higher. Good luck." and with that Madeline turned her back on him. Sensing that Michael had left the room she relaxed. Her calm and harsh exterior was dropped.

It was obvious to everyone that there was something between Michael and Nikita, but only she saw the emotional and mental link between them. They were each prepared to die to save each other and therefore risk cancellation themselves.

It showed a lot for what they felt.

Nikita's original purpose for Section was to bring Michael back to the operative he was before Simone was killed. He may have continued his work harder than ever in that time period he lost his objective and his strength. He had been caught on numerous occasions planning his own death and he needed a new strength to fight for. Nikita had completed her task with perfection without either of them knowing it. Operations was not happy that Nikita had not only succeeded in this task, but she was excelling in her missions. He was not happy that someone recruited for a short period to then be cancelled without knowledge had achieved a target that indicated that she would be useful for some time to come. She had exceeded his expectations as only Michael had done in the past and this annoyed him.

Madeline knew that Operations was hiding his true inside feelings. Inside he was extremely pleased with the work Nikita did and would never see her cancelled now that she had returned from freedom (or capture as he knew it to be). He saw Nikita as his triumph and deep down loved and respected her as a daughter (as Michael a son). Although he would not say or show this to anyone.

The responsibility had been lifted from his shoulders in regards to the Nikita-Michael relationship. He had battled the many emotions he had on this subject and argued many points endlessly to her. Deep down he had known that to let them be together would become an unbelievable strength as she was to him. They were allowed their relationship; no matter how rocky it got and so why shouldn't the others. On the other hand it was against Section protocol, and sexual relations between operatives were forbidden and strengths could be very bad weaknesses.

Love will shine through she believed. No matter what the consequences were, tomorrow Nikita and Michael would eventually be hand in hand, forever.

******************************************************************

Nikita was aware of the footsteps in the hallway. The only people that would call on the apartment block at almost one in the morning were drug addicts, drunks or Michael. The footsteps were continuous and steady. That meant only one thing to Nikita, Michael was arriving. The footsteps stopped at her door, but there was no knocking just the sound of a key in the lock. The door slowly opened revealing the tall, dark, handsome figure of Michael. Without turning Nikita spoke from her position by the French windows.

"What can I do for you Michael?"

"I saw your journal."

"No kidding. Madeline send you?" "She thought that you should not be alone."

"And she sent you. Now I really am alone." "That's not true."

"Explain that to me."

"I can't."

"You can't do anything Michael. Except for killing innocent people and thinking nothing of it!"

"It's my job, Nikita."

"It's your job not to care?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"You disgust me."

"No I don't. Because if I did you would not have feelings for me and me for you."

"What did you just say?"

"Nikita I know that some of things we do are not exactly justified, but they do protect more people in the long run."

"I know."

A sudden new silence encases the room and slowly with accuracy Michael makes his way towards Nikita in the darkness. When he reaches her he kneels to her height. Brushing away the hair from her ear he leans in to speak to her.

"Nikita, I love you."

"That may well be Michael, but for all I know this could me another manipulation on your part."

"No. Now is the time that I become honest. I don't want to hurt you Nikita. I never have, but my actions have betrayed my heart many times in the past." "And those actions have hurt me. I love you Michael. I always have, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. It kills me to see you walk out of that door after lying constantly to me. I might hate you, but inside I love you and there's nothing I can do about it."

"Forget that Nikita. I promise you that there will be no attempts on cancellation now. Remember when I told you to wait, well our time has come. I love you and am not afraid to show that."

Sliding into a slow, passionate and intimate kiss the two merging bodies are satisfied in body and mind, giving in to their hidden desires and emotions. They will never have to be apart again, but if so they will always have this moment.

THE END